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Pagsasaritaan a Topiko


Leo Beligan
7/25/2007 2:16:00 PM



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9/26/2016 5:46:00 PM
I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"

She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?"

I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"
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9/26/2016 5:48:00 PM
My wife and I have several accounts at a bank where I went to deposit a sizable check.

When I entered, I noticed that streamers and balloons filled the lobby. I didn't stop to see what the celebration was about.

At the counter, the teller said a hold would be placed on my check because there wasn't enough money in my account to cover it. I argued that with all my accounts combined, where were more than enough funds.

The teller went to speak with the manager. She returned, with a sour face, and curtly informed me she would go ahead and credit the check to my account. As I left, I asked her, "By the way, why is the bank decorated?"

Under her breath she said, "It's customer appreciation day."
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10/17/2016 7:39:00 PM
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
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10/27/2016 11:31:00 PM
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
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11/11/2016 7:26:00 AM
agar-aramid ni leroy ti homework na iti math. kun-kunana ket "one plus one, that son of bitch is two," three plus three, that son of a bitch is six." nangngeg ni bining nga inana ket immasideg a nagdamag.

bining: ania ta ar-aramidem? ania ta ibag-bagam?

leroy: ar-aramidek toy homework ko, inang.

bining: apay kasta ti isur-suro ni maestra yo?

leroy: wen, inang.

kinabigatanna ket napan ni bining idiay klase ni leroy.

bining: maam, kayatko laeng nga maammuan no ania iti isur-suro yo toy anakko diay math?

maestra: pagad-adalan mi ita ti "addition," misis.

bining: ke. . .isur-suro yo nga ibaga "two plus two that son of a bitch is four?"

maestra: saan met a kasta misis, iti insurok ket "two plus two, the sum of which is four."
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11/26/2016 10:39:00 AM
Naming Babies
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot." Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then asks the doctor, "What's the boys name!" The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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12/10/2016 5:32:00 PM
Never Bet With Johnny
So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”
She replies, “okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.” But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. “Blue.”
“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.
“Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.”
She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: “That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”
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12/25/2016 11:01:00 AM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

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12/29/2016 5:44:00 PM
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
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1/4/2017 7:55:00 AM
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there is a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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1/18/2017 7:00:00 PM
A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.
At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer raised his eyebrows, "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his appointment.
The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"
The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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1/20/2017 3:07:00 PM
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you American rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up;
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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2/6/2017 6:32:00 AM
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

What the hell did she mean?
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3/4/2017 9:10:00 PM
A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said “congratulations, your wife has had quadruplets; 4 big baby boys.” …

The redneck said “I am not surprised. I have a johnson the size of a chimney.” …

The nurse replied, “you might want to get it cleaned, or get a divorce lawyer, because they are all black.”
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3/4/2017 9:11:00 PM
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree.
"You've broken your finger!"
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3/4/2017 9:14:00 PM
Question: Why do retirees smile all the time?
Answer: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: How do you know you’re old enough to retire?
Answer: Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!
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3/4/2017 9:15:00 PM
Who ya gonna call? Fly swatters!
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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3/4/2017 9:17:00 PM
True Happiness
Happiness is like peeing in your pants … … … Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
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3/20/2017 5:00:00 PM
After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.
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3/20/2017 5:03:00 PM
Wife and the Mistress
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
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3/20/2017 5:05:00 PM
Wife and the Mistress
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
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4/1/2017 7:28:00 AM
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alcoholic?

Mom: Of course not.

Son: Well neither would he.
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4/17/2017 8:54:00 PM
My African Neighbor just accused me of being racist.I said, ” F*ck Off, I’ve got a colored TV “.
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4/17/2017 8:55:00 PM
Crumpled Bills
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”

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Leo Beligan
4/29/2017 11:47:00 AM
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Tom says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest woman, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Tom, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Cindy?"
"I wanna be Tom's woman"
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5/20/2017 4:18:00 PM
Never Let Go!
A pastor made an investment in an old farm which he planned to enjoy in his retirement years. Still leading a very active church, he would take one day off each week from ministry to work on his property. But what a job! He soon realized that the farm he bought was nothing more than several acres of weeds, gopher holes and run-down buildings. By any measure, it was a mess, but the pastor was sure it had potential.
So every week he would go out to his land, crank up the old tractor and plow through the seemingly endless weeds and brush. Then he'd concentrate on much-needed repairs to the buildings. He'd mix cement, cut lumber, replace broken windows and patch up the plumbing. It was hard work for sure, but after several months things began to take shape. And every time the pastor completed a project he would beam with pride. Indeed, his hard work was beginning to pay off.
One day the minister received a friendly visit from a neighbor who lived a few miles down the road. Familiar with the old place, the man took a long look around. And though there was still much work to be done, the neighbor was impressed. Nodding his approval he said, "Well preacher, it sure looks like you and God have been busy out here."
The pastor, wiping sweat from his face, replied, "That's nice of you to say but I've got to tell you something. You should have seen this place when God had it all to himself!"
In each of our lives, there is a mighty work to be done. But with God's help, we can conquer life's biggest challenges.
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5/20/2017 4:20:00 PM
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
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6/28/2017 3:28:00 PM
A Canadian man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked to him and quietly said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled by her comment. When he was about done shopping, a man passed and said out of the corner of his mouth, "Your fly's open."
Being a good fellow, he zipped it up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he decided to intentionally get into the line where the lady was, who told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached the check-out counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, actually I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
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6/28/2017 3:29:00 PM
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" The bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days ......"
He took another shot, and said, "And tonight is the last night."
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6/28/2017 3:30:00 PM
Two buddies, Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there's baseball in heaven.
One night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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6/28/2017 3:32:00 PM
Husband sent a text to his wife at night :

"Hi I will get home late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes.

#No reply#"

And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before i return."

#No reply#.

He sent another text

"And i forgot to tell you that i got an increase in my salary. At the end of this month i'm getting you a new car".

She text back ; "Oh my God, really ??".

Husband replied ; "No i just wanted to make sure you got all my first messages. nice night baby".
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8/9/2017 6:58:00 AM
Tom’s Scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum.”
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8/9/2017 7:14:00 AM
The Problem With Jury Duty
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
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8/9/2017 7:14:00 AM
Fishing For Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:38:00 PM
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?
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9/17/2017 8:21:00 AM
The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.
Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the enforcer drags the guy to an interpreter.
He says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the enforcer, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The enforcer pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”
The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”
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9/17/2017 8:28:00 AM
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
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9/26/2017 7:04:00 AM
Did you know that...
*A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes (O.M.G.!!!) ??
*A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death (Creepy. But i'm still not over the pig.)??
*The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home! What the...?!)
*The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)??
*The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
*Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig...quality over quantity)??
*Butterflies taste with their feet (Something I always wanted to know)
*Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
*A cat's urine glows under a black light
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
(I know some people like that)
*Starfishes have no brains
(I know some people like that, too)
*Polar bears are left-handed (Talk about a southpaw)
*Humans & dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?!)??
19 19
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9/26/2017 7:11:00 AM
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for a local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" Asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks to use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash.
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9/26/2017 8:09:00 AM
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
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9/26/2017 8:13:00 AM
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."
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10/15/2017 8:07:00 AM
The Irony of Life is…..
Airports have seen more Affectionate Kisses
than Wedding Halls..
The Walls of Hospitals have heard more Sincere Prayers
than the Walls of Temples,
Masjid and churches..
Good Days or Bad Days Depend on ur Thinking. What u Call “Suffocation” in Local Train Becomes an
“Atmosphere” in Disco.
Pizza….always confuses us … it comes in a square box … when you open it … it’s round … when you start eating it … it’s triangle ! Life & People are also like Pizza … Look different .. Appear different .. & .. Behave absolutely different
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10/15/2017 8:23:00 AM
Always pray to have eyes that see the best, a heart that forgives the worst,a mind that forgets the bad , and a soul that that never loses faith in God .
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11/10/2017 4:06:00 PM
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

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12/5/2017 7:42:00 PM
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"


"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.
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1/7/2018 5:47:00 AM
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
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2/1/2018 6:27:00 AM
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.
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2/8/2018 5:43:00 AM
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers.
I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What is she on about?
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3/6/2018 7:43:00 AM
A man married a beautiful girl. He loved her very much. One day she developed a skin disease. Slowly she started to lose her beauty. It so happened that one day her husband left for a tour.
While returning he met with an accident and lost his eyesight. However their married life continued as usual. But as days passed she lost her beauty gradually. Blind husband did not know this and there was not any difference in their married life. He continued to love her and she also loved him very much.
One day she died. Her death brought him great sorrow.
He finished all her last rites and wanted to leave that town.
A man from behind called and said, now how will you be able to walk all alone? All these days your wife used to help you.
He replied, I am not blind. I was acting, because if she knew l could see her ugliness it would have pained her more than her disease. So I pretended to be blind. She was a very good wife. I only wanted to keep her happy.
Moral:- ?Some times it is good for us to act blind and ignore one another's short comings, in order to be happy?
?No matter how many times the teeth bite the tongue, they still stay together in one mouth. That's the spirit of FORGIVENESS. Even though the eyes don't see each other, they see things together, blink simultaneously and cry together. That's UNITY." May the Lord grant us all the spirit of forgiveness and togetherness?.

1. ''Alone I can 'Say' but together we can 'talk'.
2. "Alone I can 'Enjoy' but together we can celebrate
3. 'Alone I can 'Smile' but together we can 'Laugh'.

?That's the BEAUTY of Human Relations. We are nothing without each other?.

The razor blade is sharp but can't cut a tree; the axe is strong but can't cut the hair.

?MORALS?; *Everyone is important according to his/her unique purpose,Never look down on anyone unless you are admiring their shoes

Share to educate someone. Have done my part.

(All rights and acknowledgement goes to the author of this story,not me)
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3/19/2018 4:02:00 PM
Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."
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3/19/2018 4:03:00 PM
My dinner party was headed for disaster.

One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy.

"In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money."

I cringed.

"The lawyers!" he shouted.

There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending."
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3/19/2018 4:04:00 PM
One day a state trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in, and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof, and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks. I just bought some."
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3/19/2018 4:05:00 PM
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.

"Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"

"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.

The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"

"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
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Leo Beligan
4/1/2018 8:53:00 AM
Seasonal Christians?
By: Fr. Jerry M. Orbos SVD - @inquirerdotnet Philippine Daily Inquirer / 05:06 AM April 01, 2018
The story is told about a father who called his son to tell him the sad news that he and Mom

are getting divorced. The son objected, and he called his sister and told her about the planned divorce. Both children then phoned home to say they were coming right away. After putting down the phone, Dad and Mom were happy that the kids are coming to visit them finally, and at their own expense at that!

Happy Easter! The Holy Week has ended, but may it not be just a once-a-year experience for us. May it not be something we take for granted, something we visit just once a year. May the spirit of the Holy Week—sacrifice, penance, prayers, good deeds—stay with us the whole year round. May we not be just seasonal Christians.

In today’s Gospel (John 20: 1-19), we hear of the amazing event when Mary of Magdala, Simon and John discovered Jesus’ empty tomb and realized that He had risen as He had said. It was a morning filled with awe, wonder, and joy. May Easter morning break through in our lives. May a new dawn come forth in our country. May the light of Jesus shine forth in our dark and troubled world.


How we feel this Easter morning depends on how you observed the Holy Week. We reap what we sow. If we walked with Jesus in the Holy Week, we will feel His Easter presence today.

Today is April Fool’s Day. The road we take is the road of losers in the eyes of the world, and definitely, for them, not the road of the wise and the smart. Maybe. But it is the road that is filled with peace and meaning, trials and persecutions notwithstanding. It is a choice we make, and renew again and again. This Easter Sunday, we renew our baptismal vows to renounce sin and the lures of evil, profess our belief in God once again, and promise to serve God faithfully in His holy Catholic Church. Let us make our choice and let our commitment for the Lord be strong.

It’s the time of year when the bangar tree at the back of the Mission House in Christ the King Seminary makes its presence felt again, with its beautiful, flaming red flowers and foul smell. It is a reminder that summer is here. For me, it is also a reminder of what Papa told us when we were small about people who look beautiful on the outside but have such a foul-smelling character on the inside.

Summer fruits are in season again. The thing is that for some, faith is just a seasonal thing, one that bears fruit especially on Christmas and the Lenten season only. May we be Christians every day, and in ordinary times.

Heard about four-wheel Christians? They are those who go to church by car—i.e., when they are hatched, when they are matched, and when they are dispatched!

“Our days may come to 70 years or 80, if our strength endures, yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass and we fly away” (Ps. 90:10). My classmate, Fr. Dino Ariola, SVD, is now enjoying the presence of the Risen Lord in Heaven. He died last March 21 at the age of 72. He was simple, humorous and pious. We called him “Cardinal” even when he was a seminarian. He spent many years as a missionary in Togo, Africa, and did a lot of legwork for the Lord as a pastor, formator, and university chaplain. He was the fourth to go ahead to Heaven in our Ordination Class of 1980. Until we meet again, dear classmate! Pray for us, as we pray for you.

I thought I was seeing double when I was giving communion last March 20. Identical twins Kenneth and King Hizon are lawyers at the Court of Appeals, the source of pride for their parents, Carlos and Lourdes Hizon. The challenge of Easter for all of us is to become “alter Christus,” another Christ, and be a source of joy and pride for our loving Father.

Here’s an Easter message for fellow senior citizens: “Let us take good care of ourselves and avoid injuries because spare parts for old models are no longer available. Most of us were made in the ’40s,


’50s, and ’60s. Warranty period is long over, and expiry date is forthcoming, but hey, we’re still around, alive and kicking. Thank God who was with us when we were young, but especially now in our sunset years, when our pace is slower, but our lives definitely not dimmer.”

A moment with the Lord:

Lord, be with us in all seasons of our lives. Amen.

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4/8/2018 8:20:00 PM
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
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4/25/2018 8:12:00 PM
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there.

One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"

"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
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5/28/2018 7:26:00 AM
Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
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7/15/2018 9:01:00 PM
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.
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8/1/2018 7:21:00 AM
Mr Singh walks into a bar in London, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn._

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Mr. Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Mr. Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."

Mr. Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"

He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...

I’ve quit drinking"!!!

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8/1/2018 9:37:00 AM
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?"

"No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"
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8/1/2018 9:38:00 AM
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her.

By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
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8/12/2018 2:06:00 PM
I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.
Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of candy. I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need inner peace.
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8/12/2018 2:07:00 PM
Two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east toward Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
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9/1/2018 9:12:00 PM
*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*
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9/1/2018 9:13:00 PM
A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'

During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'

At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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9/10/2018 8:57:00 AM
A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!" the woman says.

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

"What are you doing here?" the husband asks.

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
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9/21/2018 7:45:00 AM
A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."

His friend asks, "What kind is it?"

He says, "Half past four!"
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10/2/2018 8:19:00 AM
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.

One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times. "I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."
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10/11/2018 8:32:00 PM
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
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10/11/2018 8:34:00 PM
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great time for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
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10/29/2018 6:53:00 AM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started....


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So I took her to a petrol pump

And then the fight started....


My wife was standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."

And then the fight started....


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."

So I took her to my parents' house.

And then the fight started....


Dedicated to all married couples. But don't send to all.

I sent it to my friend. He sent it to his wife and then the fight started.
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10/29/2018 7:11:00 AM
If our actions are motivated by a desire to be praised or liked by others, then we will always be in constant agitation, insecurity, apprehension or frustration. Because man being imperfect and with different idiosyncrasies and views, an act may please one group, but displease another. We cannot please everyone no matter how hard we try. Just do what is right by God and man and never mind what others say. Trying to please Him is all that matters. All the rest is vanity and will turn to dust and be forgotten. To Him be the glory always. (DAN AMOSIN)
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11/4/2018 6:34:00 AM
Dear Ex,
sabi mo noon mamamatay ka kapag nawala ako sa buhay mo. Santaon na ang nakalipas, buhay ka pa rin. Sinungaling!
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11/17/2018 6:10:00 AM
Image may contain: text????????
Image may contain: text
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11/21/2018 5:49:00 PM
Men are like...

Blenders........ You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Commercials....... You can't believe a word they say.

Computers....... Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Government Bonds....... They take way too long to mature.

Horoscopes....... They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lamps....... Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara....... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Weather....... Nothing can be done to change either.
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1/24/2019 6:52:00 PM
A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."
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1/24/2019 6:55:00 PM
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"
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2/9/2019 9:57:00 AM
What a profession.....

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
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3/17/2019 9:51:00 AM
A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?"

The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son -- how high can you count?"

The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two."

The father said, "Why did you stop?"

The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."
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3/17/2019 9:53:00 AM
Someone has compiled a telling list of "famous fibs." Here are a few:

The check is in the mail.
We service what we sell.
Money is cheerfully refunded.
This offer is limited to the first one hundred people.
You've already won a valuable prize.
One size fits all.
Your table will be ready in a minute.
This won't hurt a bit.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
I'll start my diet tomorrow.

And when it comes down to the real nitty-gritty of our lives -- who we really are and what we really ought to be doing -- too often this is the biggest whopper of them all:

Thy Will be done on earth, as it is in heaven!
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3/17/2019 9:54:00 AM
WOMEN ARE LIKE.. the stock market...

They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
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3/17/2019 9:55:00 AM
Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. Barman looks at her very attentively.

Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen naked woman?

Barman: Well, yes I have... I'm only interested - where will you take your cash from?
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3/31/2019 9:54:00 AM
A farmer went to a big city to see the sights. He asked the hotel's clerk about the times of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
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4/5/2019 7:46:00 PM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan and open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
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4/16/2019 6:43:00 AM
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"
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4/16/2019 6:44:00 AM
This Wife Is Too Jealous..........babae talaga....

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
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4/16/2019 6:49:00 AM
Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
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4/26/2019 10:01:00 PM

?written by
a class of 7-year-olds
You'll love it...

??Grandparents are
a lady and a man
who have no little children of their own.

??They like other people's children.

??A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

??Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

??They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.

??It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

??When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

??They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

??They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

??Usually they are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

??They wear glasses and funny underwear.

??They can take their teeth and gums out.

??Grandparents don't have to be smart.

??They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

??When they read to us, they don't skip.

??They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

??Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us...

??They know we should have snack time before bed time.

??They say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

??Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!

??He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as he is.

Send this to
??other grandparents,
??almost grandparents,
or send it to

??It will make their day.
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4/26/2019 10:03:00 PM
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
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5/9/2019 4:55:00 PM
Government employee......

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
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5/9/2019 4:55:00 PM
Chinese laundry

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."
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5/9/2019 4:56:00 PM
A pastor with good intentions visited a parishioner who was critically ill ...

At bedside, the pastor knelt and said, "We'll have a prayer now." As the pastor was praying, the patient began gasping for air and waving his arms wildly. Unable to speak, the man then signaled that he wanted to write something down.

The pastor quickly obliged with pencil and paper and, with great difficulty, the man jotted down a few words, gasped a final gasp, and died. The pastor then stuffed the note into his pocket, said a final prayer for the deceased, and left.

Later, while eulogizing the deceased parishioner at the funeral, and remembering the note, the pastor said, "Why I just now remember that I have his final words. He jotted them down on this piece of paper moments before he died."

Then he reached into his pocket, took out the note, and read, "Pastor, please back up! You're kneeling on my
oxygen tube."
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5/9/2019 4:57:00 PM
Money is the worst discovery of human life . but it is the most trusted material to test human nature .
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5/9/2019 4:58:00 PM
Electoral Ink

At an election booth, a woman was applying electoral ink to her forefinger.

She asked, "How long will this last?"

The officer replied, "60 days!"

The woman asks, "Could you please color my hair as well?"
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5/24/2019 7:48:00 AM
ennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No",replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
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5/30/2019 6:14:00 AM
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
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6/1/2019 7:24:00 AM
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
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6/20/2019 7:34:00 AM
An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the dormitory and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".

A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed." When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."

The old man said, "And the same old story..."
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6/20/2019 7:35:00 AM
An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years.

"This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."

"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."

"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"
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6/20/2019 8:45:00 AM
An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years.

"This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."

"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."

"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"
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Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.


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