- website a magustoan a pagpalpallailangan dagiti pada a nangisit ti sikona.

dap-ayan: sungsungbat


Skip Navigation LinksHome > Dap-ayan > Dap-ayan Responses

Pagsasaritaan a Topiko


Leo Beligan
7/19/2008 9:41:00 AM



Show ALL Comments  | Last 100  |
8/26/2016 5:45:00 PM
During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."
  Top   |  Bottom

9/1/2016 7:45:00 PM
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."
  Top   |  Bottom

9/5/2016 8:57:00 AM
A major speaker for the annual auto dealers convention was visiting the rest room just before he was to speak to the 10,000 members. He was asked, "Are you our special speaker?"

"Yes, I sure am and I am excited to be here," he replied.

"Are you nervous?"

"No, I'm never nervous before I give a big speech."

"If you are not nervous, then what are you doing in the ladies room?"
  Top   |  Bottom

9/20/2016 8:46:00 PM
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
  Top   |  Bottom

9/20/2016 8:46:00 PM
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you
  Top   |  Bottom

9/20/2016 8:47:00 PM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
  Top   |  Bottom

9/22/2016 8:55:00 PM
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. ??The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." ??The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." ??The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. ??The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. ??The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." ??Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? ??"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
  Top   |  Bottom

9/22/2016 8:56:00 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
  Top   |  Bottom

9/30/2016 5:42:00 PM
I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the hairstyle photo.

"Well, okay," she replied, "but leave some ID--a driver's license or credit card."

"But my husband is here getting his hair cut," I explained.

"Yeah... but we need something you'll come back for."
  Top   |  Bottom

10/19/2016 6:45:00 PM
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
  Top   |  Bottom

10/31/2016 9:08:00 PM
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
  Top   |  Bottom

11/13/2016 6:43:00 AM
Don't envy those who rose from poverty to succeed in life through hard , persistent and honest work. You don't know what they went through in order to achieve their dreams. Instead of being uselessly green-eyed, do likewise. Be inspired, not upset. No guts, no glory. "We are the captain of our ship and the master of our soul", so the poem goes.
  Top   |  Bottom

11/13/2016 6:58:00 AM
Confucius (551-479 BC), a philosopher and educator, is one of the most important individuals in Chinese history, and one of the most influential figures in world history. His teachings emphasized morality, correctness of social relationships and justice.
The following are my favorite 20 Confucius quotes which may enlighten you and influence your life:
1. By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest
2. Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated..
3. Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
4. Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star.
5. When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.
6. Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
7. Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes
8. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
9. If your plan is for one year, plant rice; if your plan is for ten years, plant trees; if your plan is for 100 years, educate children.
10. The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.
11. Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
12. When anger rises, think of the consequences.
13. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
14. Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
15. He who will not economize will have to agonize.
16. Study the past if you would define the future.
17. It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
18. It is not the failure of others to appreciate your abilities that should trouble you, but rather your failure to appreciate theirs.
19. Give a bowl of rice to a man and you will feed him for a day. Teach him how to grow his own rice and you will save his life.
20.The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved.
  Top   |  Bottom

11/27/2016 7:01:00 PM
HERE ARE 13 THINGS MENTALLY STRONG PEOPLE DON'T DO (in case you don't read the article):
1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
2. They don't give away their power.
3. They don't shy away from change.
4. They don't focus on things they can't control.
5. They don'y worry about pleasing everyone.
6. They don't fear taking calculated risks.
7. They don't dwell on the past.
8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over.
9. They don't resent other people's success.
10. They don't give up after the first failure.
11. They don't fear alone time.
12. They don't feel the world owes them anything.
13. They don't expect immediate results.
  Top   |  Bottom

12/6/2016 3:58:00 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle, he said.”
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.
  Top   |  Bottom

12/6/2016 4:03:00 PM
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?"
  Top   |  Bottom

12/26/2016 9:31:00 AM
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by surprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The little boy says, That won't work"

His Mom says, "WHY?"

The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"

  Top   |  Bottom

1/1/2017 7:13:00 AM
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
  Top   |  Bottom

1/3/2017 8:15:00 AM
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

Clerk: What denomination do you want?

Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.
  Top   |  Bottom

1/5/2017 7:32:00 AM
agkumpari iti beach resort:
kumpari 1: "dayta man ti pammagi pari,anian aya!"
kumpari 2: "uray ipiduak 'pri no kasta..."
kellaat a dandani naidaramudom iti pannakaiduronna, asawana gayam ti addan iti likudanna.
asawa:"nalaing a laklakayan! kasano koma a maipaminduam ket maturog met ta tarakenmo uray karugrugi pay la't laban?"
  Top   |  Bottom

1/5/2017 8:30:00 PM
agkumpari iti beach resort:
kumpari 1: "dayta man ti pammagi pari,anian aya!"
kumpari 2: "uray ipiduak 'pri no kasta..."
kellaat a dandani naidaramudom iti pannakaiduronna, asawana gayam ti addan iti likudanna.
asawa:"nalaing a laklakayan! kasano koma a maipaminduam ket maturog met ta tarakenmo uray karugrugi pay la't laban?"
  Top   |  Bottom

1/9/2017 8:14:00 PM
Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. Youve got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

  Top   |  Bottom

1/15/2017 8:16:00 AM
Dr. Ben Carson (Retired world renowned neurosurgeon, and Republican Presidential Aspirant) wrote this beautiful piece.
Read and be blessed.
Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life.
A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That's life!! Enjoy yours.
If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that.
If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly.
If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. But those who live simply, walk humbly and love genuinely!
All good will come back to you!!!
Man asks, “Where was God when Myles Munroe, wife and his associates were killed in a crash? He answers, "The same place I
sat when John the Baptist my servant was beheaded. When Stephen my servant was stoned to death. When Paul my servant was murdered in Rome. The same place I sat when my only Son was brutally crucified, wounded, bruised and killed. I
have not moved from my position."
I am the same. It is not the means of exit from earth that matters but the
destination. Live simply. It's all about God!!
I love this one: If someone asks about your educational background, proclaim boldly that: Church is my college. Heaven is my university. Father God is my counselor. Jesus is my principal. Holy Spirit is my teacher. Angels are my classmates. Bible is my textbook. Temptations are my exams. Overcoming Satan is my hobby. Winning souls for God is my assignment. Receiving eternity is my degree. Praise and Worship are my slogan. If you are a child of God, i want you to forward this message to all the contact in your phone, God bless you!
JAN 5TH, 8:16PM
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
2/5/2017 11:57:00 AM
I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
  Top   |  Bottom

3/15/2017 5:33:00 PM
from my environmentalist friend :

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" and he replied : "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area".
  Top   |  Bottom

3/15/2017 5:35:00 PM
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
  Top   |  Bottom

3/21/2017 8:18:00 PM
Those guys with “I Love My Wife” bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating
  Top   |  Bottom

3/21/2017 8:19:00 PM
Golf Talk
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”

  Top   |  Bottom

3/21/2017 8:20:00 PM
Head And Shoulders
A blonde was in the hairdressers and she says, “My boyfriend has an itchy, flaky scalp, can you recommend anything”?
The hairdresser says “Have you tried “Head and Shoulders”, that should do the trick”
The blonde says “Oh, I never thought of that,……………err, how do you give shoulders”?
  Top   |  Bottom

4/3/2017 5:38:00 PM
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 12:52:00 PM
That Creep!
A young girl came home completely exhausted and tired after her honeymoon. …. …. When her friends asked her what happened, she replied : “When that 70 year old bastard told me he had saved a lot from last 50 years, “I thought It was MONEY”
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 12:53:00 PM
Ladies, place your heart in the hands of God & he will place it in the hands of a man who he believes deserves it.
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 12:53:00 PM
Having a dirty mind is okay, but having a clean heart is much more important.
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 12:54:00 PM
Men get more attractive with age. Women…well they just let you put it in more places.
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 12:56:00 PM
Retirement Home
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 12:58:00 PM
Fairy Godmother
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 12:59:00 PM
75th Wedding Anniversary
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
  Top   |  Bottom

4/18/2017 1:00:00 PM
Being the Good Shepherd
19 April 2017
I have always wondered why Jesus did not incite His people into an army to attack those who made a mockery of His teachings, simply admitting that His "army" is not of this Earth.
I now know. It simply would be futile. The mean and the power greedy would have deceived, threatened, and manipulated the gullible and the others who are as mean and power-hungry as themselves to rise up and form an army infinitely more deceitful and cruel and mean.
Instead, Jesus just stood and refused to call His lambs to rise up for Him. He not only washed the feet of His lambs, he also protected them and just made them believe in Him and the kingdom of the Father.
No, shepherding is not leading. It is not being at the head of the flock or even behind them lambs.
I don't know what shepherding entails in today's world. I also do not know if we need good shepherds in our world today or if lambs can be shepherds.
  Top   |  Bottom

5/7/2017 7:14:00 AM
How would you describe your love life/relationship with your loved one?
1. Double sale - namamangka sa 2 ilog
2. Civil interdiction - nahulinh namamangka sa 2 ilog
3. Guardianship of minors - dating someone too young for me/ dating a minor
4. Trustee - best friend of the gf/bf asked to take care of the gf/bf
5. Res nullius - wala akong lovelife/ i have been abandoned
6. Summary proceeding for declaration of presumptive death - he/she is dead to me now
7. Accretion - started out as friends, after some time (very long time), naging kami/ nagkadevelopan
8. Avulsion - nagbreak sila tapos naging kami agad
9. Purchaser in bad faith - alam kong may bf/gf siyang iba, but I can't help it, I love him/her
10. Mirror Doctrine - I asked her/him kung may gf/bf siya, sabi nya wala, meron pala, pero binreakan na nya and I found out about this nung kami na
11. First in time, first/stronger in right - "Una niya akong minahal!"
12. Subsequent purchaser in good faith and for value - "akin na siya at ako ang huling mamahalin niya!"
13. Apparent authority of agent - yung tulay/nanglalakad ang nalakad
14. Legal separation - cool off muna kami pero kami pa
15. Declaration of nullity on ground of psychological incapacity - break na kami, may saltik sa utak yun e
16. Unclaimed Balances Act - bigla nalang siyang nawala at di na nagparamdam
17. Kidnapping - nasulot ng iba
18. Illegal dismissal - nabreakan ng walang sapat na dahilan
19. Land of the public domain - inalienable ang pag-ibig ko sa iyo, loyal ako
20. Usufruct - nagpapagamit/nanggagamit lang ako
21. Habeas Corpus - nasasakal na ako sa iyo
22. Ancient Document - naagnas na
23. Res Communes - pag malandi
24. Reserva Troncal - mas mahal mo pamilya mo kesa sa akin
25. Domicile - sa iyo pa rin ako uuwi
26. Affidavit of Reappearance - "Tapos ngayon babalik ka kung kelan may MAHAL na akong IBA?!"
27. rebus sic stantibus - there is fundamental change of circumstances which has occured with regard to those exisitng at the time of conclusion of an agreement, and which was not foreseen by the parties... in short, nagbago ka na.
  Top   |  Bottom

6/9/2017 7:00:00 AM
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he could call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately begun to rant at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
6/17/2017 9:17:00 PM
My Point of View: By Dr. Darwin Rasul lll:
Islamic radicalism, also known as militant or political Islam, traces its origin to the advent of European imperialism in the latter half of the 19th century and the end of colonialism. The acquisition of independence by most Muslim countries after World War II saw and accelerated the drive of Muslim reform movements in the Middle East.
The modern social changes and new ideas that accompanied these reforms i.e. nationalism, popular sovereignty, and women’s rights were massive and alien to classical Islamic tradition which has caused disillusionment and the consequent rise of religious resurgence which has taken in the contemporary period and reached its height in the 1970s.
The last 40 years have seen the rise of militant political groups, their rejection of Western civilization, and their ideological demands for jihad for the forceful creation of a unified Islamic state under the rule of Shari’a by getting rid of unjust rulers. But as the classical criteria for jihad were based on the early unified Muslim empire, such however no longer apply since the imposition of the modern nation-state on Middle East societies.
The story tells us that behind the terror in the southern Philippines is a clandestine geopolitical "theatrical" play of the US State Department in southeast Asia. The last more than a decade saw the fall of the Taliban government in Afghanistan, the bombings in Bali, Indonesia, the recent Qatar problematic experience, and the continuing extremist terror in the southern Philippines show an increasing focus on the middle east and Southeast Asia as the new fronts in U.S. self-proclaimed “war on terrorism.”
The so called radical operations of al-Qaeda in Singapore, Malaysia, and the Philippines; and the alleged presence of the Jemaah Islamiah (JI), Abu Sayyaf, Laskar Jihad, and the Kumpulan Mujahideen Malaysia were a conglomerate of “terrorists” which, curiously to ousiders, some analysts say, are but a US 'creation' to justify and maintain US presence and hegemony in the region.
The Philippines is part of Southeast Asian security system, a strategic location for US troops to establish a foothold for its military activities in the world. To contain the Muslim world is just among the strategic aims for the US balance of power.
  Top   |  Bottom

8/4/2017 8:39:00 PM
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
8/26/2017 5:27:00 PM
Subject: MGA AKTWAL NA SAGOT SA PROGRAMANG WOWOWEE... Bear in mind that the contestants were under time pressure when they gave the answers.
1. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?"
A: "Umiilaw!"
2. Q: "Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth?"
A: "Utong!"
3. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao?
A: "Humanitarian?"
4. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga."
A: "Ninja?"
5. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?"
A: "Sunog!"
6. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie."
A: "Willie da pooh!"
7. Q: "Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?"
A: "Hindunesia?"
8. Q: "Anong hayop si King Kong?"
A: "Pagong!"
9. Q: "Magbigay ng mabahong pagkain."
A: "Ta_?"
10. Q: "Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?"
A: "Canadia!"
11. Q: "Kumpletuhin - Little Red."
A: "Ribbon!"
12 Q: "Ano ang tinatanggal sa itlog bago ito kainin?"
A: "Buhok?"
13. Q: "Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin."
A: "Tinga!"
14. Q: "Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?"
A: "Pag balita?"
15. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?"
A: "Baby oil?"
16. Q: "Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?"
A: "Sweetserland?"
17. Q: "Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?"
A: "Godzilla?"
18. Q: "Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol ng tao?"
A: "Itlog ng tao!"
19. Q: "Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?"
A: "Sadista?"
20. Q: "Blank is the best policy."
A: "Ice tea?"
22. Q: "Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?"
A: "Sa likod!"
23. Q: "Fill in the blanks - Beauty is in the eye of the ____." A: "Tiger?"
24. Q: "Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?"
A: "Saging!"
25. Q: "Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?"
A: "Baliw!"
26. Q: "Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?"
A: "Kamag-anak!"
27. Q: "Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?"
A: "Sa motel?"
28. Q: "Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?"
A: "Cold water!"
29. Q: "Sinong cartoon character ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?"
A: "Si scooby dooby doo?"
30. Q: "Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka."
A: "Operadang bakla?"
31. Q: "Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?"
A: "Madami!"
32. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?"
A: "Abnormal!"
  Top   |  Bottom

9/24/2017 9:19:00 AM
All about marriage
Fact or fiction (you make the call):
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.
3. Married life is very frustrating.
.In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
.In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens.
.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you canbe sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife is.
5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage,
he will fall asleep before she finish.
7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE.
After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.
9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT”
when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!
10. Marriage is the only war
where you get to sleep with the enemy.
11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.
13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.
14. Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:
Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.
  Top   |  Bottom

10/16/2017 7:40:00 AM
71 year old Gary had to go to the dentist to have a tooth removed.
He sits down in the dreaded chair and the dentist puts on the napkin. She walks over to a drawer and pulls out a huge needle.
Gary eyes the instrument warily and asks, “Uhm, what’s that for?”
She replies, “Oh, this is just the anesthetic, don’t worry about it.”
Gary shakes his head and says, “No way! No needles. I hate needles!”
The dentist shrugs, and instead starts to hook up the nitrous oxide instead.
Gary looks at the device and says, “No no, I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having a gas mask on suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks Gary if he has any objections to taking a pill.
“No objection,” he says in a relieved tone, “I’m fine with pills.”
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.
“What are they?” he asks.
“Viagra,” the dentist replies.
“Heck,” Gary says, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn’t,” says the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
  Top   |  Bottom

10/16/2017 7:45:00 AM
A man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out.
So the husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said “i hope you die a slow agonizing death”
The husband replied “oh, so now you want me to stay?
  Top   |  Bottom

10/31/2017 8:25:00 AM
Truth of Life
? At 50 years, “beauty” and “ugly” are the same. (No matter how pretty you are, at this age, wrinkles, dark spots, etc. can no more be hidden.)
? At 60 years, “high position” and “low position” are the same. (After retirement, even a peon will avoid looking at his boss)
? At 70 years, “big house” and “small house” are the same. (Joints degeneration, hard to move, only require a little space to sit .)
? At 80 years, “have money” and “no money” are the same. (Even when you want to spend money, you don’t know where to spend)
? At 90 years, “Sleeping” and “waking up” are the same. (After you wake up, you still don’t know what to do)
.............Take life easy, there are no mysteries to be solved.
In the long run, we’ll all be the same. So forget all tensions of life & enjoy.. Laugh ..
  Top   |  Bottom

11/2/2017 6:39:00 AM
When a man died and appeared before Saint Peter at the Heavenly Gate, Peter could not find anything in his files to indicate that the man was scheduled to arrive at that time.
Consequently, the man went to the gates of hell, but Satan's gatekeeper was just as puzzled as Peter. He, too, could find no record of the man's scheduled appearance at that time. Back the man went to the Gate of Heaven. This time, Peter said, "Well, I've finally found your record. But you're not due here for another eleven years. Tell me, who is your doctor?"
................The crucial question that will be before us when we arrive at the "Pearly Gates" is the same question that is before us now: not, "Who is your doctor?" or "Who is your lawyer?" or "Who is your accountant." The crucial question -- then and now -- is "Who is your Savior?"
  Top   |  Bottom

11/26/2017 6:49:00 AM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up... and I have not heard back.

  Top   |  Bottom

12/12/2017 7:28:00 AM
A well dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, "If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago," said the woman.

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?"

"No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets."

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?"

"No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry."

"Well," said the lady, "I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The woman said, "Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful."

"Oh, that's OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!"
  Top   |  Bottom

12/12/2017 7:29:00 AM
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.

"Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
  Top   |  Bottom

1/9/2018 6:55:00 AM
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"

He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
  Top   |  Bottom

1/24/2018 5:30:00 PM
A man runs into the vet office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination and had him put down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” Exclaimed the man......

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”
  Top   |  Bottom

1/30/2018 7:15:00 AM
A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:31:00 AM
One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.

She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.

“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”

And that’s how modern woman was created.
  Top   |  Bottom

2/2/2018 6:33:00 AM
A man was in a doctor’s office and the doctor walked in and said, “Ok what do you need today sir.”

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding p.nis.

The doctor said, “Damn how did you do that?”

The man said, “Well I live in a trailer, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine at exactly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and m.sturbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my p.nis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!”

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:34:00 AM
Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they’re in the land of Oz.

“Oh, boy!” says Qualye. “I’m going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!”

“Yeah!” says Gingrich. “And I’m going to ask him for a heart!”

“Hey!” says Clinton, looking around. “Where’s Dorothy?”
  Top   |  Bottom

2/9/2018 8:58:00 PM
Two Monks

One day, two monks were walking through the countryside. They were on their way to another village to help bring in the crops. As they walked, they spied an old woman sitting at the edge of a river. She was upset because there was no bridge, and she could not get across on her own.

The first monk kindly offered, "We will carry you across if you would like."

"Thank you," she said gratefully, accepting their help.
So the two men joined hands, lifted her between them and carried her across the river. When they got to the other side, they set her down, and she went on her way.

After they had walked another mile or so, the second monk began to complain. "Look at my clothes," he said. "They are filthy from carrying that woman across the river. And my back still hurts from lifting her. I can feel it getting stiff." The first monk just smiled and nodded his head.

A few more miles up the road, the second monk griped again, "My back is hurting me so badly, and it is all because we had to carry that silly woman across the river! I cannot go any farther because of the pain."

The first monk looked down at his partner, now lying on the ground, moaning.

"Have you wondered why I am not complaining?" he asked.
"Your back hurts because you are still carrying the woman. But I set her down five miles ago."

That is what many of us are like in dealing with our families. We are that second monk who cannot let go. We hold the pain of the past over our loved ones' heads like a club, or we remind them every once in a while, when we want to get the upper hand, of the burden we still carry because of something they did years ago.

Dr. Anthony T. Evans, Guiding Your Family in a Misguided World
  Top   |  Bottom

3/8/2018 10:51:00 PM
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
3/21/2018 6:35:00 PM
Intelligent people have less friends.
The realer you are
the fewer friends you have.
Here’s why:

1. You’re liberated in your own speech, thoughts, and actions,
which can be contrary
to those of your
You have a strong mindset and values.
Your mind isn’t limited and
you always have something to say.
You think differently to others
but you’re not bothered
by their opinions on it.

2. You don’t have time
for forced fake catch-ups or
pointless conversations,
trying to keep up with
what everyone is up to.
So, you mostly spend time alone.
You don’t care about the
latest trends
or latest music.
You have no interest
in materialistic things.
You also don’t have FOMO
(fear of missing out),
so you’re quite content
doing your own thing.
Your world seems to flourish
more on your own.

3. You can see beyond people’s
"try hard” persona so you
distance yourself from people
who aren’t worth your time.
These people are what
I like to call social climbers.
They try to get involved with certain people for the sake of being popular
or simply to look good
(I have lost all faith in humanity).

4. You talk less and listen more
so you find yourself sitting back
observing the norms of today:
The constant posting on social media, backstabbing, unloyal partners and disrespectful behaviour. It puts you off because you’re far more mature.
You see more to life.
You believe in radiating the energy
you want to be around.
You are humble and encouraging to all
but you don’t put your time and trust
into people who don’t deserve it.

5. You don’t get involved in drama.
You don’t thrive off it like others do.
Family is more important to you.
You would rather watch an episode with your sister then go to a bar with the girls.
The unnecessary drama that comes
with a night out is exactly what you avoid because you know you’ll regret it when they instantly put you in a bad mood.
You prefer doing things according to your own terms/will.

6. You don’t need to prove
your worth to anyone.
You’re happy with yourself.
You’re independent and strong.
You don’t rely on others.
You can support yourself.
You don’t need to wake up to
10 snapchats or 300 Instagram likes
to be able to smile every morning.
You’re grateful for the little things.
You don’t feel the need to be accepted by anyone but yourself.

7. You have already worked out
who your real friends are so you
don’t feel the need to have any new ones. You are aware of who’s curious
and who’s concerned.
You are very cautious when letting people in your life unless someone throws your mind for a whirlwind and is as compatible as you.
And by this I mean:
thinks the same, expresses the same
and has the same values.
That’s the only time you let
a new person in your life.
But it still isn’t as easy as that.
You still test them in situations
to see if they really care about you
as a person or if they just want
to know your tricks of the trade.

8. You’re an old soul and
so you have visions for the future.
You feel uncomfortable telling your dreams
to small minded people.
You work hard to achieve your goals
and you don’t have time for setbacks.
While others are trying to
plan their night out at the club,
you’re grinding.
You see more than just going to a club,
you see a life you want to chase.
Your focus is different.
Your time is being invested on growth.
You don’t expect people to understand
what you’re up to.
Eventually, they’ll see
  Top   |  Bottom

3/24/2018 6:42:00 PM
Life choices...

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"
  Top   |  Bottom

4/5/2018 3:27:00 PM
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Don't remember, let's look for yours."
  Top   |  Bottom

4/14/2018 7:26:00 AM
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
  Top   |  Bottom

5/1/2018 6:56:00 PM
Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
  Top   |  Bottom

5/1/2018 6:57:00 PM

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
  Top   |  Bottom

5/27/2018 8:26:00 AM
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
  Top   |  Bottom

7/9/2018 10:02:00 AM
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
  Top   |  Bottom

7/23/2018 1:28:00 PM
Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
8/5/2018 9:51:00 AM
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took x-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'Expert.'"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
8/5/2018 9:52:00 AM
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/18/2018 9:10:00 AM
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/18/2018 9:10:00 AM
Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear.

He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?"

Larry responded, "It saves time."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/30/2018 8:34:00 PM
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.

I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read, "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/30/2018 8:35:00 PM
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning nineteen and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or nineteen roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your nineteen-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your fifty-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.
  Top   |  Bottom

9/11/2018 10:32:00 AM
Evelyn lost her husband five years ago and still hadn’t gotten out her mourning stage. His son was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Evelyn surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her son immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

The first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asked: “Why the black underwear?”

She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”

He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She was standing with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: “What’s with this ... a black condom?”

“Well,” He said, “I wanted to offer my deepest condolences.”
  Top   |  Bottom

9/23/2018 9:01:00 AM


Reporter: Sir, mainterview ko lang po kayo saglit tungkol sa mga kalabaw n'yo.
Farmer: Okie
Reporter: San n'yo po sila pinapaliguan?
Farmer:Yung itim o yung puti?
Reporter: Yung itim po.
Farmer: Ah, Sa sapa yung itim
Reporter: E yung puti?
Farmer: Sa sapa rin.
Reporter: (tumaas ang kilay) Ah ganon po ba? Ano naman po pinapakain n'yo sa kalabaw n'yo?
Farmer: Yung itim o yung puti?
Reporter: Yung itim po.
Farmer: Ah, damo.
Reporter: Eh yung puti po?
Farmer: Damo rin.
Reporter:(medyo napipikon na) E saan n'yo naman po sila pinapatulog?
Farmer: Yung itim o yung puti?
Reporter: Yung itim po!
Farmer: Sa ilalim ng puno
Reporter: E yung puti???!
Farmer: Sa ilalim din ng puno.
Reporter: (di na maitago ang inis) Bakit mo pa tinatanong kung itim o puti e parehas lang naman ang sagot mo?!
Farmer: Ah, kasi yung itim na kalabaw sa akin kasi yon.
Reporter: E yung puti kanino?
Farmer: Sa akin pa rin. (binulod ko ken ni Errol. )
  Top   |  Bottom

10/3/2018 7:04:00 AM
A salesman for a major cola company returns from his assignment in the Middle East and reports his assignment was a total failure.

"Tell me what happened," his boss says.

"When I accepted the assignment," replies the salesman, "I was confident I could turn a profit for the company there, since it was a brand new market and no one had ever tried our drink. But once I arrived, I realized that I had a problem: I didn't speak their language."

"So what did you do?" the boss probes.

"I decided to convey our message by using three posters. In the first, I showed a man crawling through the desert heat, exhausted and panting with thirst. The second poster shows the man having a drink of our cola. The final poster showed the man happy and totally refreshed. I had them plastered at every corner and in every market I could find."

"That should have worked," the boss chimes in. "Why didn't it?"

"Well," the salesman confesses, "not only did I not speak the language, but I also didn't realize that most people in that country read from right to left."
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
10/12/2018 6:00:00 AM
As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmy, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded.

"Jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life." As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.
  Top   |  Bottom

10/27/2018 8:52:00 PM
Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"

Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."
  Top   |  Bottom

11/3/2018 6:46:00 AM
Biblical Q and A.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
  Top   |  Bottom

11/16/2018 7:05:00 AM
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.

They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8-year-old in the morning, and the older boy was to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher then shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?"

The boy screamed, bolted from the room, ran directly home, and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
  Top   |  Bottom

12/30/2018 2:22:00 PM
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
  Top   |  Bottom

2/3/2019 6:55:00 AM
Whenever John wanted to make love he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
  Top   |  Bottom

2/3/2019 6:56:00 AM
o a golf enthusiast.....Majorly Busted

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"
  Top   |  Bottom

2/3/2019 6:57:00 AM
A pastor was opening his mail one morning and one envelope had only a single sheet of paper with a single word printed on it: “FOOL!”

The following Sunday the priest announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”
  Top   |  Bottom

3/14/2019 7:48:00 AM
A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?”

The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”
  Top   |  Bottom

3/14/2019 7:50:00 AM
A new sofa...

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
  Top   |  Bottom

3/14/2019 8:17:00 AM
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air, and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost, and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you -- I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver said, "It's not your fault, sir. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!"
  Top   |  Bottom

3/26/2019 6:07:00 PM
A pastor awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there but knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what could be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a preacher; it's your job to bury the dead."

The pastor lost his cool, "Yes," he snapped, "but I thought I should at least notify the next of kin."
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 8:56:00 AM
My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 8:56:00 AM
A strawberry and a cucumber grew up in the same garden patch. They were best buds growing up. As they grew older, they decided it was time to branch out, leave home, and see the world. So they hitched a ride on a nearby vegetable cart and took off.

Their first stop was at a local farmer's market. Unfortunately, that's where the trouble started. A big row broke out and they got separated, one of them ending up in a jam and the other in a pickle.

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 8:57:00 AM
A pastor awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there but knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what could be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a preacher; it's your job to bury the dead."

The pastor lost his cool, "Yes," he snapped, "but I thought I should at least notify the next of kin."

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 8:58:00 AM
At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor doesn't show up. A full professor is rated fifteen minutes; an associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however, and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man, "first they saluted, and then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 9:03:00 AM
If anyone loves Me he will keep My Word........

In a novel called, "Caught in That Music," a woman named Debbie is going to marry a man named Norman. Debbie's brother Jonas doesn't like Norman. He thinks Norman is dull, cold, disagreeable and unworthy of his sister.

Debbie tells her brother to be more tolerant and tries to explain why. She says, "Nothing is ever completely the way you think it is, or the way you'd like it to be. I didn't love Norman right away. He loved me -- so much that I wished I could love him in return. Some people have to see love before they can love."

"Is that the way it works?" Jonas asks. "Because he loves you, you love him?"

Debbie replies, "Because I am loved, I see what you don't see."

  Top   |  Bottom

4/27/2019 9:30:00 AM

"Dear Abby," wrote a woman named Rose, "I am forty-four and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits."

To which Abby replied, "Dear Rose, so would I."

.............Of course, neither Rose nor Abby will ever meet that man with no bad habits. "Mr. Perfect" simply does not exist. And if you are looking for "Mrs. Perfect" or "Miss Perfect," you'll never find her either. We're flawed human beings, all of us: no exceptions.
  Top   |  Bottom

4/27/2019 9:31:00 AM
KUAROG: Gudbay, Lubong!
Dinakon ay-ayaten ni Dalen isu nga agbekkelal laengen!

DALEN: Gunggong, idiay sirok ti mangga ti pagbekkelam, nalinlinong!

KUAROG: Pinadaskon idiay, nasakit ti tengngedko, diak makaanges!!!
  Top   |  Bottom

5/23/2019 7:11:00 AM
Fast and furious.....

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."

The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.

"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"

She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
  Top   |  Bottom

5/23/2019 7:16:00 AM
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
  Top   |  Bottom

5/29/2019 6:16:00 AM
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents."
  Top   |  Bottom

6/18/2019 7:30:00 AM
Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Show ALL Comments  | Last 100  |


Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.


All communications made available as part of this forum and any opinions, advice, statements, views or other information expressed in this forum are solely provided by, and the responsibility of, the person posting such communication and not of ILUKO.COM (unless ILUKO.COM is specifically identified as the author of the communication).

ILUKO.COM does not certify, endorse, verify, edit or review the contents of any communication posted to these forums. ILUKO.COM makes no warranty of any kind, express or implied, with regard to the posted communications or information contained therein. ILUKO.COM is not responsible for defamatory, offensive or illegal conduct of any author posting to this forum.

ILUKO.COM reserves the right to remove any postings from this forum at its discretion; this reservation creates no affirmative duty in ILUKO.COM, and failure to exercise this power shall not subject ILUKO.COM to any liability of any sort. Persons posting to this forum hereby agree to abide by all applicable laws both National and International and to accept legal responsibility for the contents of their communications.

Any user who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to contact us immediately by email. We have the ability to remove objectionable messages and we will make every effort to do so, within a reasonable time frame, if we determine that removal is necessary. This is a manual process, however, so please realize that we may not be able to remove or edit particular messages immediately.

If you participate in a discussion, you are responsible for ensuring that any material you post to ILUKO.COM (text, images, or other multimedia content) does not violate or infringe upon the copyright, patent, trademark or any other personal or proprietary rights of any third party, and is posted with the permission of the owner of such rights.