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Pagsasaritaan a Topiko

ISTORYA DITOY SIROK TI KAMANTIRIS

Leo Beligan
7/19/2008 9:41:00 AM

NAIBUSEN TAY BUNGA TI KAIMITO. UMALIS TAYO DITOY SIROK TI KAMANTIRIS. AWISEN KAYO MAN GAGAYYEM, KAKABSAT NGA MANGIYEBKAS WENNO MANGIPOSTE ITI ANIA MAN NGA ISTORYA WENNO ADDAAN GAMENG NA NGA PAMPANUNOT. (JOKES - WELCOME)


Sungsungbat/Komentario

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Dr. Kwak
1/19/2009 6:49:00 PM
DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT

One night as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tommorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tommorrow, too?"
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Leo Beligan
1/19/2009 10:11:00 PM
FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT:

1. The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.
2. Anita Bakery
3. A 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night
4. Barber shop called Felix The Cut;
5. A bakery named Bread Pitt
6. Fast-food place selling 'maruya' (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey.
7. Then, there are Christopher Plumbing
8. A boutique called The Way We Wear
9. A video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental
10. A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken
11. A local burger restaurant called Mang Donald's
12. A doughnut shop called MacDonuts
13. A shop selling 'lumpia' (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll
14. And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish'
(The Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino such as:
15. At a restaurant menu in Cebu ? We hab sopdrink in can an in batol?
[translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
16. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises -
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to 'correct' them like.......
17. In a restaurant in Baguio City , the 'summer capital' of the Philippines : ? Wanted: Boy Waitress?
18. On a highway in Pampanga: ?We Make Modern Antique Furniture?
19. On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : ? We Shoot You While You Wait?
20. And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila :?Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier?. Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:
21. A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: ? We Sell Imported Robber Shoes? (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);
22. A rental property sign in Jaro reads: ? House For Rent, Fully Furnaced?
(it must really be hot inside)!
23. Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique - if not altogether odd.
City in southern Philippines which said: ?Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation? .
24. European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia
- which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively - (believe it or not)!
25. Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient. ? The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words, ?says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign ..... House Fersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?
26. According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because?We are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive?. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.

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Leo Beligan
1/20/2009 10:27:00 PM
Mexican Maid



A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and asked: "Now Maria why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?"

Maria: " Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. First, I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: "Your husband said so."


Wife: "Oh"

Maria: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who says you are a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh"

Maria: "And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the Gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE.....OLE! !!!

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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/21/2009 7:45:00 PM
STORY OF A STORE CART

Once upon a time, in a store not far away, there lived a kind and gentle store cart. This cart likes to carry goods from the store shelves to the shopper's cars. The cart knew that the goods it carries make people happy. On regular days, the cart usually stands cramped in the midst of a long line of other carts outside the store. Most often, it stands outside in the rain or in the heat of the sun, or on the sides of aisles, or left by the door all alone. You see, this cart has a broken front wheel.

One day on Christmas Eve, holiday spirit filled the air while last minute Christmas shoppers came rushing in to shop for presents and groceries.

The shoppers took the carts one by one. And the cart with the broken wheel was taken also, and this made the broken cart happy. On this special day, the broken cart wanted to carry goods that would bring joy to many people. But the cart knew that as soon as the lady shopper finds out about its broken wheel, it would be abandoned somewhere in the store.

The lady shopper had a long list and straight away headed to the toys area. Shghe reached the packaged gifts and placed them in the cart. As the lady pushed the cart, she suddenly noticed it wobbling and swerving toward the right. She struggled to keep the cart going straight.

"Oh no, I knew it! She's going to dump me!" the cart mumbled. "Just like the many other times before. Why can't they fix my broken wheel?"

The lady shopper left the broken cart and came back with another cart. She picked up the merchandise and placed them in the other cart and pushed the broken cart away.

The broken cart landed by the shelves, wishing to be taken again. But almost every shopper was pushing a cart already and they all went past it.

A few minutes later, the broken cart heard two lady shoppers talking. And they didn't have carts. Not even baskets. They came to pick up some light bulbs but upon seeing many sale items, they decided that they needed a cart after all.

"Please take me!" the abandoned cart screamed. The ladies saw the empty cart, looked around to make sure it didn't belong to anyone. Then one of them took the broken cart and the cart was very happy again.

"Now I can carry good things to make people very happy for Christmas," the broken cart said to itself.

As the lady pushed the cart, it started to wobble and right away she noticed the broken wheel. The lady thought of getting another cart, but she didn't. She continued to push the cart. She placed everything she wanted, all the while struggling to keep the cart from bumping onto shelves and people along its way. She continued to straighten the cart out as she pushed until her arms hurt.

Finally, the broken cart delivered its heavy load all the way to the lady's car. This made the broken cart very glad, for the goods it carried will make people very happy on Christmas Day.

....Isn't it true that each time you take an empty cart from an aisle inside the store, it is usually broken and abandoned? Isn't it also true in life, people abandon not only store carts but also broken things, pets even people - children and the elderly? They abandon them because something's wrong with them - they had become a burden - a big load for them to carry. So they are abondoned - anywhere and everywhere.........hope you are like the lady who chose the broken cart all the way.
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Dr. Kwak
1/23/2009 9:16:00 PM
DOK: Simula ngayon, bawal na sa iyo ang karne, seafoods lang ang puede mong kainin.

PEDRO: Ano ho yon?

DOK: Mga hayop na lumalangoy.

Kinabukasan:
MISIS NI PEDRO: Nasaan ang amo mo, Inday?

INDAY: Nasa swimming pool po tinuturuang lumangoy yung baboy!!!!!!
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/24/2009 7:11:00 PM
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/25/2009 4:45:00 PM
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/26/2009 7:06:00 PM
OFFICE MATHEMATICS

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
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Leo Beligan
1/26/2009 9:50:00 PM
It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an

armpit , and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open.'

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Leo Beligan
1/27/2009 6:25:00 AM
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
> Unique Up On It.
>
> 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
> Tame Way.
>
> 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
> They Take The Psycho Path
>
> 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
> You Boil The Hell Out Of It
>
> 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
> Dam!
>
> 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
> Polaroid's
>
> 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
> A Stick
>
> 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
> Nacho Cheese.
>
> 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
> Subordinate Clauses.
>
> 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
> Quattro Sinko.
>
> 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
> Spoiled Milk.
>
> 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
> Frostbite.
>
> 13. What Lie s At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
> A Nervous Wreck.
>
> 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
> Anyone Can Roast Beef!!!
>
> 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
> Right Where You Left Him.
>
> 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
> Because They Have Big Fingers .
>
> 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
> Because It Scares The Dog.
>
> 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
> Sanka.
>
> 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
> The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
>
> 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
> Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
>
> 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
> A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
> A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
>
> 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
> Som ebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
>
> Now, admit it.
> At least one of these made you smile
>
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Dr. Kwak
1/27/2009 6:57:00 PM
A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said "What?"

Again, the doctor said, "I need a blood, urine, and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

"Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!"
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cirenia
5/19/2016 5:47:00 AM
Money, Priorities, Retirement
From the pen of an unknown poet: He always said he would retire When he had made a million clear, And so he toiled into the dusk From day to day, from year to year.
At last he put his ledgers up And laid his stock reports aside. But when he started out to live, He found he had already died.
.............“Keep your life free from the love of money . . . ”
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2016 6:15:00 AM
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth."
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2016 6:16:00 AM
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."

The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He proudly replies, "So I can beat that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."


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lintik
5/28/2016 5:21:00 AM
As Morris and his wife, Sherry, were planning a vacation, they ended up in an argument, "It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!"

Sherry said. "I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation... As they got off the airplane, they passed a man.

Morris abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii'?"

"This is Havaii," the man replied. "Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"

As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty, "Thank you!"

"You're velcome!" he called back.

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abigail
6/3/2016 5:31:00 AM
Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The farmer scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You think it might be the light that's attracting them?"
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abigail
6/3/2016 5:32:00 AM
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed.

The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
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cirenia
6/19/2016 5:24:00 AM
A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?" The man asks, "Why would I be?"

The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, youll need something to cut the grass with."

Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"

The shocked man asks, "Why?!"

The young man then replies, "Well, your weekends screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."
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lintik
6/27/2016 6:42:00 AM
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
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cirenia
7/3/2016 7:25:00 AM
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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cirenia
7/3/2016 7:27:00 AM
"Hey Mom, my DNA sample results are back from the genealogy place. According to the report I have 44 points of Neanderthal DNA. Does that mean I’m related to a cave man?"

"Yes, dear, it’s from your father’s side of the family."
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abigail
7/23/2016 6:59:00 AM
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.
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abigail
7/23/2016 7:00:00 AM
On the way to spend the weekend with us, our grandchildren noticed a bright star in the sky. Our daughter, Nancy, told them that it was Mars, which was at its closest and brightest in many thousands of years. She went on to provide a simplified explanation of the solar system suitable for her young listeners in the back seat. Nancy ended her explanation with, "We live on a planet called Earth."

After a long pause, my four-year-old grandson asked, "What planet does Grandpa live on?
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abigail
8/1/2016 4:57:00 PM
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."


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abigail
8/1/2016 4:58:00 PM
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together. The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons. The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.

The grandfather replied, "Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt."
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cirenia
8/10/2016 7:55:00 AM
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.

"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
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cirenia
8/10/2016 7:56:00 AM
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming Soon!"
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abigail
8/19/2016 5:18:00 PM
Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn't tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Jones ... all is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is it?!?!"
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apdo
8/26/2016 5:45:00 PM
During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."
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abigail
9/1/2016 7:45:00 PM
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."
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abigail
9/5/2016 8:57:00 AM
A major speaker for the annual auto dealers convention was visiting the rest room just before he was to speak to the 10,000 members. He was asked, "Are you our special speaker?"

"Yes, I sure am and I am excited to be here," he replied.

"Are you nervous?"

"No, I'm never nervous before I give a big speech."

"If you are not nervous, then what are you doing in the ladies room?"
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abigail
9/20/2016 8:46:00 PM
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
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abigail
9/20/2016 8:46:00 PM
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you
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abigail
9/20/2016 8:47:00 PM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
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lintik
9/22/2016 8:55:00 PM
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. ??The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." ??The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." ??The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. ??The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. ??The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." ??Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? ??"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
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lintik
9/22/2016 8:56:00 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
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abigail
9/30/2016 5:42:00 PM
I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the hairstyle photo.

"Well, okay," she replied, "but leave some ID--a driver's license or credit card."

"But my husband is here getting his hair cut," I explained.

"Yeah... but we need something you'll come back for."
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cirenia
10/19/2016 6:45:00 PM
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
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abigail
10/31/2016 9:08:00 PM
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
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abigail
11/13/2016 6:43:00 AM
Don't envy those who rose from poverty to succeed in life through hard , persistent and honest work. You don't know what they went through in order to achieve their dreams. Instead of being uselessly green-eyed, do likewise. Be inspired, not upset. No guts, no glory. "We are the captain of our ship and the master of our soul", so the poem goes.
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lintik
11/13/2016 6:58:00 AM
20 CONFUCIUS QUOTES THAT MAY INFLUENCE YOUR LIFE
Confucius (551-479 BC), a philosopher and educator, is one of the most important individuals in Chinese history, and one of the most influential figures in world history. His teachings emphasized morality, correctness of social relationships and justice.
The following are my favorite 20 Confucius quotes which may enlighten you and influence your life:
1. By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest
2. Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated..
3. Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
4. Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star.
5. When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.
6. Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
7. Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes
8. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
9. If your plan is for one year, plant rice; if your plan is for ten years, plant trees; if your plan is for 100 years, educate children.
10. The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.
11. Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
12. When anger rises, think of the consequences.
13. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
14. Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
15. He who will not economize will have to agonize.
16. Study the past if you would define the future.
17. It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
18. It is not the failure of others to appreciate your abilities that should trouble you, but rather your failure to appreciate theirs.
19. Give a bowl of rice to a man and you will feed him for a day. Teach him how to grow his own rice and you will save his life.
20.The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved.
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cirenia
11/27/2016 7:01:00 PM
HERE ARE 13 THINGS MENTALLY STRONG PEOPLE DON'T DO (in case you don't read the article):
1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
2. They don't give away their power.
3. They don't shy away from change.
4. They don't focus on things they can't control.
5. They don'y worry about pleasing everyone.
6. They don't fear taking calculated risks.
7. They don't dwell on the past.
8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over.
9. They don't resent other people's success.
10. They don't give up after the first failure.
11. They don't fear alone time.
12. They don't feel the world owes them anything.
13. They don't expect immediate results.
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abigail
12/6/2016 3:58:00 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle, he said.”
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.
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abigail
12/6/2016 4:03:00 PM
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?"
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lintik
12/26/2016 9:31:00 AM
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by surprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The little boy says, That won't work"

His Mom says, "WHY?"

The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"



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abigail
1/1/2017 7:13:00 AM
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
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apdo
1/3/2017 8:15:00 AM
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

Clerk: What denomination do you want?

Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.
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apdo
1/5/2017 7:32:00 AM
agkumpari iti beach resort:
kumpari 1: "dayta man ti pammagi pari,anian aya!"
kumpari 2: "uray ipiduak 'pri no kasta..."
kellaat a dandani naidaramudom iti pannakaiduronna, asawana gayam ti addan iti likudanna.
asawa:"nalaing a laklakayan! kasano koma a maipaminduam ket maturog met ta tarakenmo uray karugrugi pay la't laban?"
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apdo
1/5/2017 8:30:00 PM
agkumpari iti beach resort:
kumpari 1: "dayta man ti pammagi pari,anian aya!"
kumpari 2: "uray ipiduak 'pri no kasta..."
kellaat a dandani naidaramudom iti pannakaiduronna, asawana gayam ti addan iti likudanna.
asawa:"nalaing a laklakayan! kasano koma a maipaminduam ket maturog met ta tarakenmo uray karugrugi pay la't laban?"
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cirenia
1/9/2017 8:14:00 PM
Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. Youve got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis


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lintik
1/15/2017 8:16:00 AM
Dr. Ben Carson (Retired world renowned neurosurgeon, and Republican Presidential Aspirant) wrote this beautiful piece.
Read and be blessed.
Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life.
A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That's life!! Enjoy yours.
If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that.
If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly.
If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. But those who live simply, walk humbly and love genuinely!
All good will come back to you!!!
Man asks, “Where was God when Myles Munroe, wife and his associates were killed in a crash? He answers, "The same place I
sat when John the Baptist my servant was beheaded. When Stephen my servant was stoned to death. When Paul my servant was murdered in Rome. The same place I sat when my only Son was brutally crucified, wounded, bruised and killed. I
have not moved from my position."
I am the same. It is not the means of exit from earth that matters but the
destination. Live simply. It's all about God!!
I love this one: If someone asks about your educational background, proclaim boldly that: Church is my college. Heaven is my university. Father God is my counselor. Jesus is my principal. Holy Spirit is my teacher. Angels are my classmates. Bible is my textbook. Temptations are my exams. Overcoming Satan is my hobby. Winning souls for God is my assignment. Receiving eternity is my degree. Praise and Worship are my slogan. If you are a child of God, i want you to forward this message to all the contact in your phone, God bless you!
JAN 5TH, 8:16PM
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Leo Beligan
2/5/2017 11:57:00 AM
I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
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cirenia
3/15/2017 5:33:00 PM
from my environmentalist friend :

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" and he replied : "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area".
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cirenia
3/15/2017 5:35:00 PM
Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
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apdo
3/21/2017 8:18:00 PM
Those guys with “I Love My Wife” bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating
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apdo
3/21/2017 8:19:00 PM
Golf Talk
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”


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apdo
3/21/2017 8:20:00 PM
Head And Shoulders
A blonde was in the hairdressers and she says, “My boyfriend has an itchy, flaky scalp, can you recommend anything”?
The hairdresser says “Have you tried “Head and Shoulders”, that should do the trick”
The blonde says “Oh, I never thought of that,……………err, how do you give shoulders”?
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oyasan
4/3/2017 5:38:00 PM
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:52:00 PM
That Creep!
A young girl came home completely exhausted and tired after her honeymoon. …. …. When her friends asked her what happened, she replied : “When that 70 year old bastard told me he had saved a lot from last 50 years, “I thought It was MONEY”
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:53:00 PM
Ladies, place your heart in the hands of God & he will place it in the hands of a man who he believes deserves it.
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:53:00 PM
Having a dirty mind is okay, but having a clean heart is much more important.
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:54:00 PM
Men get more attractive with age. Women…well they just let you put it in more places.
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:56:00 PM
Retirement Home
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:58:00 PM
Fairy Godmother
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:59:00 PM
75th Wedding Anniversary
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
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apdo
4/18/2017 1:00:00 PM
Being the Good Shepherd
19 April 2017
I have always wondered why Jesus did not incite His people into an army to attack those who made a mockery of His teachings, simply admitting that His "army" is not of this Earth.
I now know. It simply would be futile. The mean and the power greedy would have deceived, threatened, and manipulated the gullible and the others who are as mean and power-hungry as themselves to rise up and form an army infinitely more deceitful and cruel and mean.
Instead, Jesus just stood and refused to call His lambs to rise up for Him. He not only washed the feet of His lambs, he also protected them and just made them believe in Him and the kingdom of the Father.
No, shepherding is not leading. It is not being at the head of the flock or even behind them lambs.
I don't know what shepherding entails in today's world. I also do not know if we need good shepherds in our world today or if lambs can be shepherds.
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cirenia
5/7/2017 7:14:00 AM
How would you describe your love life/relationship with your loved one?
1. Double sale - namamangka sa 2 ilog
2. Civil interdiction - nahulinh namamangka sa 2 ilog
3. Guardianship of minors - dating someone too young for me/ dating a minor
4. Trustee - best friend of the gf/bf asked to take care of the gf/bf
5. Res nullius - wala akong lovelife/ i have been abandoned
6. Summary proceeding for declaration of presumptive death - he/she is dead to me now
7. Accretion - started out as friends, after some time (very long time), naging kami/ nagkadevelopan
8. Avulsion - nagbreak sila tapos naging kami agad
9. Purchaser in bad faith - alam kong may bf/gf siyang iba, but I can't help it, I love him/her
10. Mirror Doctrine - I asked her/him kung may gf/bf siya, sabi nya wala, meron pala, pero binreakan na nya and I found out about this nung kami na
11. First in time, first/stronger in right - "Una niya akong minahal!"
12. Subsequent purchaser in good faith and for value - "akin na siya at ako ang huling mamahalin niya!"
13. Apparent authority of agent - yung tulay/nanglalakad ang nalakad
14. Legal separation - cool off muna kami pero kami pa
15. Declaration of nullity on ground of psychological incapacity - break na kami, may saltik sa utak yun e
16. Unclaimed Balances Act - bigla nalang siyang nawala at di na nagparamdam
17. Kidnapping - nasulot ng iba
18. Illegal dismissal - nabreakan ng walang sapat na dahilan
19. Land of the public domain - inalienable ang pag-ibig ko sa iyo, loyal ako
20. Usufruct - nagpapagamit/nanggagamit lang ako
21. Habeas Corpus - nasasakal na ako sa iyo
22. Ancient Document - naagnas na
23. Res Communes - pag malandi
24. Reserva Troncal - mas mahal mo pamilya mo kesa sa akin
25. Domicile - sa iyo pa rin ako uuwi
26. Affidavit of Reappearance - "Tapos ngayon babalik ka kung kelan may MAHAL na akong IBA?!"
27. rebus sic stantibus - there is fundamental change of circumstances which has occured with regard to those exisitng at the time of conclusion of an agreement, and which was not foreseen by the parties... in short, nagbago ka na.
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abigail
6/9/2017 7:00:00 AM
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he could call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately begun to rant at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
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Leo Beligan
6/17/2017 9:17:00 PM
My Point of View: By Dr. Darwin Rasul lll:
Islamic radicalism, also known as militant or political Islam, traces its origin to the advent of European imperialism in the latter half of the 19th century and the end of colonialism. The acquisition of independence by most Muslim countries after World War II saw and accelerated the drive of Muslim reform movements in the Middle East.
The modern social changes and new ideas that accompanied these reforms i.e. nationalism, popular sovereignty, and women’s rights were massive and alien to classical Islamic tradition which has caused disillusionment and the consequent rise of religious resurgence which has taken in the contemporary period and reached its height in the 1970s.
The last 40 years have seen the rise of militant political groups, their rejection of Western civilization, and their ideological demands for jihad for the forceful creation of a unified Islamic state under the rule of Shari’a by getting rid of unjust rulers. But as the classical criteria for jihad were based on the early unified Muslim empire, such however no longer apply since the imposition of the modern nation-state on Middle East societies.
The story tells us that behind the terror in the southern Philippines is a clandestine geopolitical "theatrical" play of the US State Department in southeast Asia. The last more than a decade saw the fall of the Taliban government in Afghanistan, the bombings in Bali, Indonesia, the recent Qatar problematic experience, and the continuing extremist terror in the southern Philippines show an increasing focus on the middle east and Southeast Asia as the new fronts in U.S. self-proclaimed “war on terrorism.”
The so called radical operations of al-Qaeda in Singapore, Malaysia, and the Philippines; and the alleged presence of the Jemaah Islamiah (JI), Abu Sayyaf, Laskar Jihad, and the Kumpulan Mujahideen Malaysia were a conglomerate of “terrorists” which, curiously to ousiders, some analysts say, are but a US 'creation' to justify and maintain US presence and hegemony in the region.
The Philippines is part of Southeast Asian security system, a strategic location for US troops to establish a foothold for its military activities in the world. To contain the Muslim world is just among the strategic aims for the US balance of power.
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abigail
8/4/2017 8:39:00 PM
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."



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nenita bautista torqueza
8/26/2017 5:27:00 PM
Subject: MGA AKTWAL NA SAGOT SA PROGRAMANG WOWOWEE... Bear in mind that the contestants were under time pressure when they gave the answers.
1. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?"
A: "Umiilaw!"
2. Q: "Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth?"
A: "Utong!"
3. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao?
A: "Humanitarian?"
4. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga."
A: "Ninja?"
5. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?"
A: "Sunog!"
6. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie."
A: "Willie da pooh!"
7. Q: "Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?"
A: "Hindunesia?"
8. Q: "Anong hayop si King Kong?"
A: "Pagong!"
9. Q: "Magbigay ng mabahong pagkain."
A: "Ta_?"
10. Q: "Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?"
A: "Canadia!"
11. Q: "Kumpletuhin - Little Red."
A: "Ribbon!"
12 Q: "Ano ang tinatanggal sa itlog bago ito kainin?"
A: "Buhok?"
13. Q: "Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin."
A: "Tinga!"
14. Q: "Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?"
A: "Pag balita?"
15. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?"
A: "Baby oil?"
16. Q: "Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?"
A: "Sweetserland?"
17. Q: "Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?"
A: "Godzilla?"
18. Q: "Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol ng tao?"
A: "Itlog ng tao!"
19. Q: "Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?"
A: "Sadista?"
20. Q: "Blank is the best policy."
A: "Ice tea?"
22. Q: "Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?"
A: "Sa likod!"
23. Q: "Fill in the blanks - Beauty is in the eye of the ____." A: "Tiger?"
24. Q: "Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?"
A: "Saging!"
25. Q: "Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?"
A: "Baliw!"
26. Q: "Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?"
A: "Kamag-anak!"
27. Q: "Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?"
A: "Sa motel?"
28. Q: "Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?"
A: "Cold water!"
29. Q: "Sinong cartoon character ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?"
A: "Si scooby dooby doo?"
30. Q: "Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka."
A: "Operadang bakla?"
31. Q: "Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?"
A: "Madami!"
32. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?"
A: "Abnormal!"
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cirenia
9/24/2017 9:19:00 AM
All about marriage
Fact or fiction (you make the call):
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.
3. Married life is very frustrating.
.In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
.In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens.
.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you canbe sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife is.
5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage,
he will fall asleep before she finish.
7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE.
After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.
9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT”
when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!
10. Marriage is the only war
where you get to sleep with the enemy.
11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.
13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.
14. Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:
Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.
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lintik
10/16/2017 7:40:00 AM
71 year old Gary had to go to the dentist to have a tooth removed.
He sits down in the dreaded chair and the dentist puts on the napkin. She walks over to a drawer and pulls out a huge needle.
Gary eyes the instrument warily and asks, “Uhm, what’s that for?”
She replies, “Oh, this is just the anesthetic, don’t worry about it.”
Gary shakes his head and says, “No way! No needles. I hate needles!”
The dentist shrugs, and instead starts to hook up the nitrous oxide instead.
Gary looks at the device and says, “No no, I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having a gas mask on suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks Gary if he has any objections to taking a pill.
“No objection,” he says in a relieved tone, “I’m fine with pills.”
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.
“What are they?” he asks.
“Viagra,” the dentist replies.
“Heck,” Gary says, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn’t,” says the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
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lintik
10/16/2017 7:45:00 AM
A man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out.
So the husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said “i hope you die a slow agonizing death”
The husband replied “oh, so now you want me to stay?
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lintik
10/31/2017 8:25:00 AM
Truth of Life
? At 50 years, “beauty” and “ugly” are the same. (No matter how pretty you are, at this age, wrinkles, dark spots, etc. can no more be hidden.)
? At 60 years, “high position” and “low position” are the same. (After retirement, even a peon will avoid looking at his boss)
? At 70 years, “big house” and “small house” are the same. (Joints degeneration, hard to move, only require a little space to sit .)
? At 80 years, “have money” and “no money” are the same. (Even when you want to spend money, you don’t know where to spend)
? At 90 years, “Sleeping” and “waking up” are the same. (After you wake up, you still don’t know what to do)
.............Take life easy, there are no mysteries to be solved.
In the long run, we’ll all be the same. So forget all tensions of life & enjoy.. Laugh ..
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apdo
11/2/2017 6:39:00 AM
When a man died and appeared before Saint Peter at the Heavenly Gate, Peter could not find anything in his files to indicate that the man was scheduled to arrive at that time.
Consequently, the man went to the gates of hell, but Satan's gatekeeper was just as puzzled as Peter. He, too, could find no record of the man's scheduled appearance at that time. Back the man went to the Gate of Heaven. This time, Peter said, "Well, I've finally found your record. But you're not due here for another eleven years. Tell me, who is your doctor?"
................The crucial question that will be before us when we arrive at the "Pearly Gates" is the same question that is before us now: not, "Who is your doctor?" or "Who is your lawyer?" or "Who is your accountant." The crucial question -- then and now -- is "Who is your Savior?"
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innok
11/26/2017 6:49:00 AM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up... and I have not heard back.


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cirenia
12/12/2017 7:28:00 AM
A well dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, "If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago," said the woman.

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?"

"No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets."

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?"

"No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry."

"Well," said the lady, "I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The woman said, "Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful."

"Oh, that's OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!"
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cirenia
12/12/2017 7:29:00 AM
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.

"Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
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apdo
1/9/2018 6:55:00 AM
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"

He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
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apdo
1/24/2018 5:30:00 PM
A man runs into the vet office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination and had him put down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” Exclaimed the man......

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”
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abigail
1/30/2018 7:15:00 AM
A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
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Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:31:00 AM
One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.

She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.

“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”

And that’s how modern woman was created.
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innok
2/2/2018 6:33:00 AM
A man was in a doctor’s office and the doctor walked in and said, “Ok what do you need today sir.”

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding p.nis.

The doctor said, “Damn how did you do that?”

The man said, “Well I live in a trailer, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine at exactly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and m.sturbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my p.nis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!”

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Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:34:00 AM
Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they’re in the land of Oz.

“Oh, boy!” says Qualye. “I’m going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!”

“Yeah!” says Gingrich. “And I’m going to ask him for a heart!”

“Hey!” says Clinton, looking around. “Where’s Dorothy?”
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cirenia
2/9/2018 8:58:00 PM
Two Monks

One day, two monks were walking through the countryside. They were on their way to another village to help bring in the crops. As they walked, they spied an old woman sitting at the edge of a river. She was upset because there was no bridge, and she could not get across on her own.

The first monk kindly offered, "We will carry you across if you would like."

"Thank you," she said gratefully, accepting their help.
So the two men joined hands, lifted her between them and carried her across the river. When they got to the other side, they set her down, and she went on her way.

After they had walked another mile or so, the second monk began to complain. "Look at my clothes," he said. "They are filthy from carrying that woman across the river. And my back still hurts from lifting her. I can feel it getting stiff." The first monk just smiled and nodded his head.

A few more miles up the road, the second monk griped again, "My back is hurting me so badly, and it is all because we had to carry that silly woman across the river! I cannot go any farther because of the pain."

The first monk looked down at his partner, now lying on the ground, moaning.

"Have you wondered why I am not complaining?" he asked.
"Your back hurts because you are still carrying the woman. But I set her down five miles ago."

That is what many of us are like in dealing with our families. We are that second monk who cannot let go. We hold the pain of the past over our loved ones' heads like a club, or we remind them every once in a while, when we want to get the upper hand, of the burden we still carry because of something they did years ago.

Dr. Anthony T. Evans, Guiding Your Family in a Misguided World
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lintik
3/8/2018 10:51:00 PM
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."


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Leo Beligan
3/21/2018 6:35:00 PM
Intelligent people have less friends.
The realer you are
the fewer friends you have.
Here’s why:

1. You’re liberated in your own speech, thoughts, and actions,
which can be contrary
to those of your
“friends.”
You have a strong mindset and values.
Your mind isn’t limited and
you always have something to say.
You think differently to others
but you’re not bothered
by their opinions on it.

2. You don’t have time
for forced fake catch-ups or
pointless conversations,
trying to keep up with
what everyone is up to.
So, you mostly spend time alone.
You don’t care about the
latest trends
or latest music.
You have no interest
in materialistic things.
You also don’t have FOMO
(fear of missing out),
so you’re quite content
doing your own thing.
Your world seems to flourish
more on your own.

3. You can see beyond people’s
"try hard” persona so you
distance yourself from people
who aren’t worth your time.
These people are what
I like to call social climbers.
They try to get involved with certain people for the sake of being popular
or simply to look good
(I have lost all faith in humanity).

4. You talk less and listen more
so you find yourself sitting back
observing the norms of today:
The constant posting on social media, backstabbing, unloyal partners and disrespectful behaviour. It puts you off because you’re far more mature.
You see more to life.
You believe in radiating the energy
you want to be around.
You are humble and encouraging to all
but you don’t put your time and trust
into people who don’t deserve it.

5. You don’t get involved in drama.
You don’t thrive off it like others do.
Family is more important to you.
You would rather watch an episode with your sister then go to a bar with the girls.
The unnecessary drama that comes
with a night out is exactly what you avoid because you know you’ll regret it when they instantly put you in a bad mood.
You prefer doing things according to your own terms/will.

6. You don’t need to prove
your worth to anyone.
You’re happy with yourself.
You’re independent and strong.
You don’t rely on others.
You can support yourself.
You don’t need to wake up to
10 snapchats or 300 Instagram likes
to be able to smile every morning.
You’re grateful for the little things.
You don’t feel the need to be accepted by anyone but yourself.

7. You have already worked out
who your real friends are so you
don’t feel the need to have any new ones. You are aware of who’s curious
and who’s concerned.
You are very cautious when letting people in your life unless someone throws your mind for a whirlwind and is as compatible as you.
And by this I mean:
thinks the same, expresses the same
and has the same values.
That’s the only time you let
a new person in your life.
But it still isn’t as easy as that.
You still test them in situations
to see if they really care about you
as a person or if they just want
to know your tricks of the trade.

8. You’re an old soul and
so you have visions for the future.
You feel uncomfortable telling your dreams
to small minded people.
You work hard to achieve your goals
and you don’t have time for setbacks.
While others are trying to
plan their night out at the club,
you’re grinding.
You see more than just going to a club,
you see a life you want to chase.
Your focus is different.
Your time is being invested on growth.
You don’t expect people to understand
what you’re up to.
Eventually, they’ll see
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lintik
3/24/2018 6:42:00 PM
Life choices...

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"
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lintik
4/5/2018 3:27:00 PM
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Don't remember, let's look for yours."
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lintik
4/14/2018 7:26:00 AM
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
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abigail
5/1/2018 6:56:00 PM
Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
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abigail
5/1/2018 6:57:00 PM
Baptism

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
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lintik
5/27/2018 8:26:00 AM
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
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lintik
7/9/2018 10:02:00 AM
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
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apdo
7/23/2018 1:28:00 PM
Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."
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Leo Beligan
8/5/2018 9:51:00 AM
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took x-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'Expert.'"
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Leo Beligan
8/5/2018 9:52:00 AM
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
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lintik
8/18/2018 9:10:00 AM
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
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lintik
8/18/2018 9:10:00 AM
Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear.

He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?"

Larry responded, "It saves time."
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Sumungbat

Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.





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