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BINNALBALATONG KEN ANG-ANGAW 2009

PITONG
1/24/2009 12:05:00 AM

kAS DIAY DAMO, DAYTOY NGA ISTAMBAYAN KET ISU LAATTA TAY INTAY PAGIINNANGAWAN, PAGI-ISTORIAAN, AGPAYSO MAN WENNO SAAN, PAGBIBINNALATONGAN TA NAPIA LAENG NGA PAGKAKATAWAAN KEN PAGLINGLINGAYAN.

KEN AGBALIN KOMA DAYTOY NGA DALAN TAPNO MAKASARAK TAYO TI BARO NGA GAGAYYEM KEN KADAP-AYAN.

AGYAMANAK GAGAYYEM TI ANUS YO NGA UMAY AGIPOSPOSTE KEN AGBASBASA KADAGITOY MAKAPAELLEKS KEN MAKAPAISEM NGA MENSAHE.

SIGE GAGAYYEM RUGIAN YON TA NAPIA LA NGA PAGPALAG-AN TI BIAG.



Sungsungbat/Komentario

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abigail
11/24/2015 6:51:00 AM
A man was plagued with worry over a recurring dream. He explained his problem to a psychiatrist:
"Every night I dream that I am standing before a huge door, trying to push it open. There is a sign on the door, and I push and push against it with all my strength but nothing happens and the door will not budge. Then I awaken in a cold sweat and I cannot get back to sleep. I keep worrying about the door that will not open. Please, you must help me! This thing is driving me crazy."
To which the psychiatrist replied, "I'll try to help you, but tell me first: What does the sign on the door say?"
The anxious man thought for a moment, trying to recall His dream, then answered, "Pull!"
.................That dream comes true for all of us from time-to-time. We come up against doors that will not open. We want to break out of a destructive situation in our life, but the door will not budge. Or we want new possibilities to break open for our life, but the door will not budge. And the more we push, it seems, the stronger the resistance. We become frustrated and confused. We need guidance. We need direction. We need a sign -- a sign of hope.
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abigail
11/24/2015 6:52:00 AM
Prayer
In a fast-food restaurant, a woman bowed her head and said, "Thank you Lord for these vittles."
A teenager at the next table overheard her, and asked, "What are vittles?"
The woman answered, "These are the blessings God gives me -- my food to eat."
The teenager replied, "But don't you know you're going to get food to eat whether or not you thank God for it?"
"Perhaps so," said the woman, "but everything tastes better when I'm thankful."
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abigail
11/24/2015 6:53:00 AM
Judgement Day, Salvation
The story is told of a certain backwoods preacher who ventured high up in the mountains in search of new members for his Church.
One day, after hours of climbing, he spotted a little house he had not seen before. Out of breath from climbing, he hurried triumphantly toward the man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch.
“Howdy, mister,” he said, “I’m the pastor of the Church down the hill. I just came up to ask you a few questions.”
“Shoot!” said the mountaineer in the rocking chair.
“The first question is this,” said the pastor, “Have you made peace with God?”
“Me and God ain’t never had no argument,” the mountaineer replied.
“You don’t understand,” continued the pastor, “Are you a Christian or are you lost?”
“Nah, I ain’t no Christian,” came the reply, “and I ain’t lost neither. I’ve been livin’ in these parts all my life. I know these mountains like the back of my hand.”
“My friend,” said the pastor, “what I really want to know is, are you ready for the Judgment Day?”
“When’s it going to be?” the man asked.
“Well,” said the pastor, “it could be today or it could be tomorrow.”
The mountaineer rose quickly from his chair and whispered into the pastor ’s ear, “Land sakes alive, please don’t tell my wife. She’ll want to go both days.”
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abigail
11/24/2015 6:54:00 AM
”When the right hand washes the left hand, the right hand becomes clean also.”
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abigail
11/24/2015 6:56:00 AM
Search for God
There is an ancient story about a king who "had everything," as the saying goes: more gold than he could count, an enormous palace, a multitude of servants, and all the rest. Although he possessed all of the creature comforts imaginable in his time the king felt the need for something more fulfilling in his life. As a result, he developed a passionate desire to find God ......
He read books about God, he consulted the great philosophers of his time about God, and he prayed in his gold-trimmed chapel for more enlightenment about God. But always he came up dry, disappointed - - and the search went on.
One night, as he lay on his royal bed of gold, agonizing over his failure to find God, he heard a noise coming from the palace roof. Quickly he went to his bedroom balcony and shouted, "Who is up on the palace roof? What are you doing up there?"
A voice shouted back down, I am a hermit from the nearby woods in search of my lost goat."
The king shouted back, "You stupid man, what makes you think you'll find your goat on the palace roof?"
To which came the reply, "And what makes Your Royal Highness
think you'll find God while dressed in your fine silk pajamas and laying on your solid- gold bed?"
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lintik
11/30/2015 5:55:00 AM
Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.

Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag.

Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.
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apdo
12/3/2015 5:27:00 AM
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?”
Grandpa looks at him and says “No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.
“Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”
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apdo
12/3/2015 5:28:00 AM
When a man brings flowers to his wife for no reason, it means that there’s a reason.
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apdo
12/3/2015 5:29:00 AM
I went to the doctor this morning as I haven’t been feeling well.
The doctor examined me, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills.
He said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medication I stammered, “What a hell, Doc, what’s my problem?”
He said, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
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apdo
12/3/2015 5:31:00 AM
Miracles
A farmer tells the story of the “Miracle Tree” – an old orange tree on his property which had been badly damaged during a brush fire. Practically all the leaves were burned off and in many places the flames had seared through the bark. The wounded tree had not borne fruit in several years anyway, so the farmer decided to finish it off.
He used a tractor with a large scoop to try to push the tree down. Again and again he banged the tree with the scoop, opening up deep gashes in the trunk. But the old orange tree would not budge. Finally, the farmer quit trying, went back to his regular farm chores and eventually forgot all about the orange tree.
The following spring, the farmer was amazed to discover that the tree he had given up on was producing some of the biggest, juiciest oranges he had ever seen. And for many succeeding years, the Miracle Tree continued to bear rich fruit.
The farmer explained: The orange tree’s recovery seemed like a miracle. Actually what happened was part of a natural, ordinary process that had been retarded by the fire and then shocked back into action by my tractor scoop. When the scoop cut those gashes into the trunk, it forced the energizing sap to begin its natural journey out of the roots and up into the tree. And it just kept on going, right up through the entire tree, giving it new life.
The “natural” processes I see and hear on my farm never cease to amaze me. Every day is a miracle, if you are open to what’s going on around you. It’s amazing!
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cirenia
12/5/2015 8:41:00 AM
Please God!
With the coming of each New Year comes the realization that there are some things in life that we have in common: We're all getting older. And all through the year, there is no shortage of reminders of that reality.
For example,
* At twenty-five years of age, we didn't care what the world thought of us; at thirty, we started to worry about what the world thought of us. At forty, we realized that the world wasn't thinking about us at all.
* We know we are getting older when we try to straighten out our socks only to find that we can't reach them.
* At fifty we stop patting ourselves on the back and start patting ourselves under the chin.
* We know we are getting older when we need to put in our teeth and our hearing aid before we can ask where we left our eyeglasses.
To which we might add, perhaps, We know we are getting older when we try harder than ever to answer the question, "How to be happy though living?"
...................Whether you're twenty-five, fifty-five or one hundred and five, the Good News is all wrapped up in a simple phrase, consisting of only two words, to be used in a certain context. The two words are "Please God ..." -- not in the sense of, "Please God, grant me this or that and it will make me happy," but "My happiness depends absolutely on my willingness to please God."
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cirenia
12/5/2015 8:41:00 AM
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye."

The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on."

The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay.

Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye."

The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on."

The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
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apdo
12/8/2015 7:04:00 AM
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.

"So," he says to them, "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.

"Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property."

Sarah replies, "Property? The fool had a paper route!"


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Leo Beligan
12/9/2015 7:16:00 PM
An ungrateful soul is synonymous to a pet cobra. No matter how much you take care of, and feed it, it will bite you to death. But at least a cobra has no choice. Nature programmed that wild animal to act that way no matter what, hence, free from accountability. Humans , on the other hand, have the free will to choose between good and evil. In that sense, an ungrateful person is worse than a cobra having chosen to be ungrateful out of his own free will, and therefore fully accountable for his choices in life. That provides the context when we say someone is a "lowlife", that is, a person is acting not only inhumanely, but worse than animals. Even Jesus condemned ingratitude in so many parables, but more so in the person of Judas Iscariot.

Dan Amosin 12/9/15
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Leo Beligan
12/9/2015 7:17:00 PM
We should always try to help those genuinely in need to the best of our ability. Sometimes, in the stillness of the night, the remembrance of a few friends we turned away even decades ago can devastate us with pangs of remorse to the point of bitter tears. We can't do now what has not been done before, because they're dead or can't be located. Money is easy to earn and easy to spend. But the love and compassion we show are forever.
Dan Amosin 12/9/15
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Leo Beligan
12/9/2015 7:18:00 PM
That's why I'm parsimonious when it comes to looking askance at the consensual, sexual peccadilloes of others, including politicians. Firstly, I'm in no position to guard the morals of society, unlike religious leaders or educators, who are duty-bound to speak out against immorality. Secondly, almost all of us, except the few who hew to their religious vow of chastity, have at one time or another engaged in youthful indiscretions or succumbed to some libidinous temptations if not in deeds, then in thoughts. Don't judge. Jesus said, " He who is without sin, cast the first stone". Pray for the fallen, not go around projecting your holier-than-thou attitude. Hypocrisy is execrable and is abominable in the eyes of both God and man.
Dan Amosin 12/9/15
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abigail
12/15/2015 8:39:00 AM
When we die, our money remains in the bank...

Yet, when we are alive, we don't have enough money to spend.

In reality, when we are gone, there is still a lot of money not spent.

One business tycoon in China passed away. His widow, was left with $1.9 billion in the bank, and married his chauffeur.
His chauffeur said:-
"All the while, I thought I was working for my boss... it is only now, that I realise that my boss was all the time, working for me !!!"

The cruel reality is:
It is more important to live longer than to have more wealth.
So, we must strive to have a strong and healthy body, It really doesn't matter who is working for who.

In a high end hand phone, 70% of the functions are useless!
For an expensive car, 70% of the speed and gadgets are not needed.
If you own a luxurious villa or mansion, 70% of the space is usually not used or occupied.
How about your wardrobes of clothes?
70% of them are not worn!
A whole life of work and earning...
70% is for other people to spend.
So, we must protect and make full use of our 30%.

??Go for medical check-ups even if not sick.
??Drink more water, even if not thirsty.
??Learn to let go, even if faced with grave problems.
??Endeavour to give in, even if you are in the right.
??Remain humble, even if you are very rich and powerful.
??learn to be contented, even if you are not rich.
??Exercise your mind and body, even if you are very busy.
??Make time for people you care about

??HEALTH??
??Drink Plenty of water
??EAT: Breakfast like a KING,
Lunch like a Prince &
Dinner like a beggar
??Live with the 3 E's--
Energy,
Enthusiasm
Empathy
??Make time to PRAY
??Play more games
??Read more books
??Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
??Sleep for 7 hours
??Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily And while you walk, Smile

??PERSONALITY??
??????????????
??Don't over do.
Keep your limits.?

??Don't take yourself so
seriously. No one else does.?

??Don't waste your precious
energy on gossip.?

??Dream more while you
are awake.?

??Envy is a waste of time. You
already have all you need.?

??Forget issues of the past.
Don't remind your partner with
his/her mistakes of the past.
That will ruin your present
Happiness.?

??Life is too short to waste time
hating anyone. Don't hate
others.?

??Make peace with your past so
it won't spoil the present.?

??No one is in charge of your
happiness except you.?

??Smile and Laugh ????More.?

??You don't have to win every argument,Agree to disagree.?
????????????????????

??SOCIETY??
??????????????
??Call your family often.?

??Each day give something good
to others.?

??Forgive everyone for
everything.?

??Spend time with people over
????the age of 70 & under the age of 6.????

??Try to make at least three??????
people smile each day.?

??What other people think of you
is none of your business.?
????????????????????

??LIFE??
??????????????
??Do the right thing!?

??GOD heals everything.?

??However good or bad a
situation is, it will change.?

??No matter how you feel,
Get up, Dress up and Show up.
The best is yet to come.?

??When awake in the morning
Thank GOD for it.?

??Your Inner most is always
happy. So, be Happy. ?
????????????????????

?LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST
Please ??Forward
This To
Everyone
Whom You Care about
I JUST DID!
Its a long read but speaks volume
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abigail
12/15/2015 8:40:00 AM
Kwento ng OFW, naway mapulutan natin ng aral. ?#?ctto?

",When i was young around 10yrs.old, simple lang ang Pangarp ko, mag aaral hanggang sa makatapos,
"Graduate ako ng high school wala ang aking Ama at ina (Sila ay ofw) 6 kami magkakapatid (lola ang nag aalaga) nong araw na iyon galit na galit ako sa aking magulang, panay sabi na uuwi pero di naman natutupad.
" Ako'y nasa koliheyo na, lagi kong sinasabi ang mag abroad ay diko pinapangarap! Diko tularan ang aking mga magulang, Bawat may mababasa ako about ofw dko dinaramdam,
" Araw ng aking graduation (kolehiyo) Di parin dumating ang aking mga magulang) Tinatanong ko si Lola bakit wala sila (sabi ni lola ang iyong Ama at Ina ay matagal ng hiwalay, ay iyong Ina na lamang ang kumakayod para sa inyo kung uuwi ang inyong Ina, malamang dika nakapagtapos, Katulong lang ang iyong Ina, di nakapag aral ng koliheyo, kaya wag kang magalit sa iyong Ina, nagpapakahirap siya, di makauwi ang iyong Ina kasi panay advance sahod sa amo niya.
"Di ko mapigilan ang umiyak, diko alam hiyang hiya ako sa aking Ina, na nooy sinasabi ko mahalin niya mga alaga niya kasi sila ang kanyang mga Anak"
" Nakapagtrabaho ako sa isang banko ok naman ang sahod, pero d kakayanin kasi 2 kong kapatid ay koliheyo, may high school at elementary pa,
Naisip ko ang aking Ina na hindi parin umuwi,
" Biglang sumagi sa aking isip na mag abroad, diko pinaalam kay lola at sa aking Ina na nag apply ako
Sa awa naman natanggap ako,
Sabi ko sa aking Lola, ( Lola d ako makakauwi kasi na assign ako sa Maynila bilang supervisor) ganun din ang sinabi ko sa aking Ina di nila alam na lipad ko na sa bansang Dubai,
" Umabot ng 2 buwan sobrang namiss ko ang aking mga kapatid, lalo na sa aking ina na nasa bansang Dubai rin, hinanap ko ang adres ng pinagtratrabahuan niya,
Nahanap ko na " Doorbell" Biglang may sumagot " Alam ko boses ni Nanay,
"Nay ikaw ba yan, ako to si verna" biglang nawala binaba ang phone" may lumabas sa maliit na gate nakita ko ang aking Ina,
Subra na niyang tanda hinawakan ko ang kanyang mga kamay, na halos lumabas na ang mga ugat,
" Bigla kong sinabi" Nanay umuwi kana sa atin, ako nalang ang magtratrabaho, umuwi kana (iyak ko na pagkasabi, ( Biglang tinawag ang aking Ina, ng amo nya, nagtanong kung sino,(I told you visitor or family are not allowed to go here(galit ang amo niya)
Sabi ko Madam im her daughter i miss my mother, ( Arabic, Diko na intindihan kasi bgo lng ako sabi ni Nanay magbayad daw siya ng utang 6,000 dirhams, yun ay advance ng aking Ina sa sahod niya at payagan na siyang umuwi ng Pinas,
" Tumawag ako sa mga katrabaho ko na uutang sa kanila, (nabuo ang 6k at umuwi na si Nanay,
"Sa ngayon, 4na taon na akong nagtratrabaho bilang OFW naintindihan ko na si Nanay kung bakit di siya makauwi uwi noon dahil sa pinipilit niya kaming patapusin ng pag aaral.
"Sa mga anak na nasa Pinas intindihin si Nanay o Tatay kung di man makauwi sa mahalagang okasyon.
Maligayang Pasko po' please share... Ng Mabasa pa po ng iba...
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BORIS
12/17/2015 6:55:00 AM
A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling.

They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage.

After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”

The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”
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innok
12/30/2015 4:57:00 PM
A gang decided to rob a bank, they opened every vault and found
no money, only cups of yogurt. They ate all yogurt.
Next day...in CNN NEWS...
"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!!!"
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lintik
1/8/2016 4:10:00 PM
Parenting
A father punished his daughter for lying by forbidding her to go to the neighborhood swimming pool for one week. The little girl felt that the punishment was far too severe for the infraction and she decided to let her father know exactly how she felt about it.
When the father returned home from work the first night after the restriction had been imposed, he found a note written by his daughter on his pillow.
It simply read: Daddy, I hate you! Love, Megan
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lintik
1/8/2016 4:12:00 PM
Stupid, degenerate..
After his motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court the attorney spoke up, "Your Honor," he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool."
The Judge, now also angered, responded, "I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!"
"What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney.
"In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you may."
"Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect, I think you´re a stupid, degenerate, old fool."
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lintik
1/8/2016 4:14:00 PM
Vanity
A woman explained that in order to offset the depression she felt at reaching her 40th birthday, she decided to treat herself to a new haircut and a new outfit.
Walking down the street, she was flattered when two young men waved at her, saying something in Spanish. Pretending not to hear them, she tossed her head haughtily as she marched resolutely onward.
A third man tried to speak to her as she strode past his car. He finally leaned his head out the window and yelled, “Ma’am, they’re trying to tell you — you’re walking in their wet cement.”
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lintik
1/8/2016 4:14:00 PM
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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lintik
1/8/2016 4:15:00 PM
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
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lintik
1/8/2016 4:16:00 PM
Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

how about car salesman
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abigail
1/25/2016 5:21:00 AM
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... Im happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas minister. The minister said, Hello son, is your Grandma home?

The little boy replied, Yeah, shes in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.

The minister fainted.
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abigail
1/25/2016 5:22:00 AM
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"

The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.

The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.

The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.

The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
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Leo Beligan
1/29/2016 7:15:00 PM
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."


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abigail
1/29/2016 7:21:00 PM
Tell Them It's Raining!
The "Dear Abby" Columnist, Abigail Van Buren, received the following letter from a frustrated reader:
Dear Abby: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stack of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
The letters was signed, "Forty Years Hitched." Dear Abby wrote the following response:
Dear Hitched: Tell him it's raining!
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cirenia
1/31/2016 8:45:00 AM
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!"

Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.

While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
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cirenia
1/31/2016 8:46:00 AM
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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lintik
2/2/2016 6:28:00 AM
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
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BORIS
2/5/2016 7:00:00 AM
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "Shes incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smiths boil!"


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BORIS
2/5/2016 7:01:00 AM
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,

Mom
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apdo
2/10/2016 5:47:00 PM
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with the consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."


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abigail
2/19/2016 6:31:00 PM
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
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abigail
2/19/2016 6:32:00 PM
WANTED

A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.


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abigail
2/19/2016 6:33:00 PM
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pregnancy checkups.

The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top", was the reply. "You will have a baby girl." said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "Whats the matter?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies
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cirenia
2/20/2016 8:59:00 PM
You Know You're Old When
1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
3. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
4. The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
5. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
6. When happy hour is a nap.
7. When you can’t remember how old you are
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You wear black socks with sandals.
10.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
11.When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12.Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
13.You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
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cirenia
2/20/2016 9:01:00 PM
Irish and the Cabby
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”
“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the men. “And you’ll only be getting fifteen from me too,” adds the other.
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isabella
2/24/2016 5:54:00 PM
Boris: Pare, what's your biggest fantasy?
Leo: To be kissed by someone in the rain. How about you?
Boris: Hee hee hee, to be that someone, pare.
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abigail
2/26/2016 6:53:00 AM
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
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justine
2/27/2016 8:55:00 PM
Three pregnant high school teens are discussing what they've learned at their Sex Ed class. The teacher mentioned that the baby will come out the same place the sperm entered. Cirenia is worried a baby is so huge (compared to the BF's penis) it's going to tear her vagina apart. She's worried her BF will find someone whose coochie is not as loose and wide like hers.

Abigail is also worried, what if the baby was conceived when they were having anal sex? The baby, coming out of her butthole will be smeared with shit. Giving birth is going to hurt since her butt will surely be torn apart. Since her butthole will be so wide and loose, she'll have issues unintentionally going number 2.

Isabella is now really worried. What if the baby was conceived when she was giving her BF a blow job? When the baby comes out it will surely be injured with scrapes from her teeth, unless the dentist will pull them all out. Giving birth is going to hurt really bad because, in order for the baby to come out, her jaws will have to be separated. To be toothless and jaws separated, it will be impossible to give the BF a proper blow job. If the BF wants a blow job he'll have to get it from someone else...like from Berting.
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lintik
2/28/2016 11:57:00 AM
Five Important Qualities:

1. Its important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. Its important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. Its important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesnt lie to you.

4. Its important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. Its very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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MILIG
3/4/2016 6:22:00 AM
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.

The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??"

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apdo
3/10/2016 7:22:00 PM
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back
to Earth .Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth
callsEngland and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check .Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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abigail
3/11/2016 4:13:00 PM
Lesbian at the Gynecologist
A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
As he is examining her she hears him saying “mmmm… mmmhmmm”. He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.
In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
“Oh, that” he says.” I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice.”
The young woman proudly smiled and replied, “Why thank you! I have a woman come clean it twice a week!”
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abigail
3/16/2016 6:39:00 AM
A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
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abigail
3/18/2016 6:59:00 PM
Cuckoo Clock
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!', cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
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BORIS
3/19/2016 7:30:00 AM
Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"
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BORIS
3/19/2016 7:30:00 AM
Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"
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lintik
3/22/2016 9:06:00 PM
A certain man had fallen into the habit of being less than attentive to his wife. Coming home from work, he would head straight for the refrigerator, grab something to drink, sink into a stuffed chair in the living room and watch TV until supper time. Then he would eat, go back to the TV, fall asleep and awaken just long enough to fall into bed.
One day -- shortly after he had received a strong heart-to-heart talk from a family friend -- the man decided to stop at the florist and buy a bouquet of roses for his wife. Then he had another idea: why not a bottle of perfume, too! Rushing home, he greeted his wife with a big smile and handed her the gifts.
She looked as if she had been struck by bad news and immediately burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"It's been a horrible day," she sobbed. "First, Billy broke two front teeth. Then I lost my wallet with thirty dollars cash, my driver's license and my two visa cards. An hour ago, the washing machine flooded the basement. And now you have to come home drunk!"
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lintik
3/22/2016 9:07:00 PM
In the restaurant
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers. Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the wash room, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly. When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, “Yes, you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
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apdo
3/28/2016 6:28:00 AM
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "Ill help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

Seeing her he screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
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apdo
3/28/2016 6:29:00 AM
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager.

The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive.

The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."

"That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:43:00 AM
A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:44:00 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.

"Breastfed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist." The doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know", she said, "I am his Grandma."
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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:45:00 AM
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving, and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, fetch!"

Irving , the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'fetch,' not 'kvetch.'"


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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:46:00 AM
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?
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cirenia
4/8/2016 7:15:00 AM
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word 'comfortable'. Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow, 'Come for ta bull.'"
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cirenia
4/14/2016 7:25:00 AM
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."


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cirenia
4/14/2016 7:26:00 AM
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered twice weekly. Your wife, on the other hand, answered several times a night."

"Thats right," replies the bloke, "And thats how its going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
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cirenia
4/14/2016 7:28:00 AM
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "Ill call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

"Hello, maam, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. Im in town all alone andwhat I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything youve got in your bag of tricks. Well go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."


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abigail
4/28/2016 8:49:00 AM
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
Its a combo car --
Theyre starting with the Renault "Clio".
Then adding luxury features from the Ford "Taurus".
The result will be sold as the "Clitaurus".
It only comes in pink.
The main benefit of the new hybrid: the average car thief wont be able to find it, even if someone tells him exactly where it is.
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lintik
5/2/2016 6:45:00 AM
Two men are discussing how cold their wives had been to them when it came to sex. The first fellow says "My wifes so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."
The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"


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abigail
5/8/2016 6:33:00 AM
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."
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abigail
5/11/2016 6:50:00 AM
A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week. She didn't say anything, she just put it into practice. She was hoping it would make him be more attentive to her and to their marriage.

At the end of the week she decided to bring up subject. "You notice anything different about us this past week?"

Without missing a beat, and without having a clue either, he replied. “Yeah, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:14:00 AM
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:14:00 AM
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:15:00 AM
An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.

"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"

"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.

"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"


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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:16:00 AM
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met any "potential dates" at the party.

"Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."
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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:17:00 AM
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met any "potential dates" at the party.

"Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."
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abigail
5/21/2016 5:31:00 AM
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
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abigail
5/21/2016 5:32:00 AM
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “which would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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apdo
5/27/2016 7:28:00 PM
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was a volkswagen with two flat tires..
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cirenia
6/2/2016 5:46:00 AM
One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, "I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman."

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, "Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."
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cirenia
6/2/2016 5:48:00 AM
A blonde called her boyfriend and said:

"Please come over here and help me. I have a puzzle and I cant figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when its finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, its a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box.

He then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I want you to relax. Lets have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed,

"Lets put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
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apdo
6/10/2016 6:08:00 AM
When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said, "Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."

What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"
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abigail
6/22/2016 7:34:00 AM
At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

“I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

“No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”
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abigail
6/22/2016 7:35:00 AM
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."


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abigail
6/29/2016 8:03:00 AM
An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."

Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. "Hey," he exclaimed,"that's MY number!"


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abigail
6/29/2016 8:04:00 AM
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here that you'll need much bigger shoes than that."

The guy says, "That's OK, please bring me the smaller ones."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I work a boring job, my mother-in-law has just moved in with us, my wife is nagging all the time, and our daughter does nothing but run around screaming the whole day. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these tight shoes."
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cirenia
7/6/2016 6:07:00 AM
A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.

"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
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cirenia
7/6/2016 6:09:00 AM
When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen.
We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely.
Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us.

Our sign read "Just Married!"


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Leo Beligan
7/28/2016 7:56:00 AM
A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a priest were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road.

The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road?

The Shaolin monk said it’s the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path.

The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself.

The Priest said it’s because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule.

Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it’s because I left the chicken coop door open."
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Leo Beligan
7/28/2016 7:59:00 AM
A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..

He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.

Your balls are in the jar over there!
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abigail
8/12/2016 8:25:00 AM
My mother-in-law sent me two sweaters for Christmas.

When she came for a visit, I put on one of the sweaters.

The first thing she said was, "What's the matter? Didn't you like the other one?"
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2016 8:17:00 AM
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
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abigail
8/26/2016 5:43:00 PM
Little Johnny asks his father:
"Where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"

"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"

"I don't know."

"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
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abigail
8/30/2016 8:04:00 PM
Teachers, Enthusiasm, Example
According to leading Educators, the number one qualification of a good teacher is enthusiasm for the subject being taught.
Our word “enthusiasm,” comes from the Greek, and it means “God within.” “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm,” wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Thomas Carlyle, the famous Scottish writer and historian, once received a letter from a young man who wanted to become a teacher. “Mr. Carlyle,” he wrote, “I wish to be a teacher. Will you tell me the secret of successful teaching?”
Carlyle replied, “Be what you would have your pupils be. All other teaching is unblessed mockery.”
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lintik
9/3/2016 11:39:00 AM
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?
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cirenia
9/18/2016 9:44:00 PM
During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my Dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.

"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.

"...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!" my father exclaimed.

The room erupted in laughter.
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lintik
9/28/2016 7:15:00 PM
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
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lintik
10/17/2016 6:45:00 PM
How do you get an elderly lady to curse?

Get another one to say bingo!


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apdo
10/25/2016 11:05:00 PM
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"


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lintik
11/12/2016 6:48:00 PM
pasyente: dok, madi pay met latta ti marik-riknak manipud daydi naudi nga iyu-umayko ditoy.

doktor: tinungpal mo met la diay instruksion a nakakabil idiay agas nga inted ko?

pasyente: wen dok, binasak a nalaing. kunana ket "keep tightly closed."
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otiang
3/13/2017 7:51:00 PM
HYMNS.
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that whoever put the most money in the offering plates would be allowed to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed around, the pastor saw that someone had contributed $100 bill.
He shared his joy with the congregation and said he'd like to thank the person who had placed so much money on the plate..
A quiet, elderly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. He praised her generosity and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three handsomest men and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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otiang
3/13/2017 7:52:00 PM
First plane trip.......copied from John Wen"s jokes
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the
very first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum
hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some Floe resant
orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, Well, I ain’t gonna wear no panties...
What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right.
I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always be lookin for da black box first.'
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otiang
3/13/2017 7:54:00 PM
Repentance, Adultery, Offering
To conclude a long sermon on repentance, a fire-and-brimstone preacher said forcefully, “I want everyone in this congregation to know that there is one among us who especially needs to repent this day — a man who has been unfaithful to his wife. I want him to know that I know who he is and that if he knows what is good for him, he had better put a twenty dollar bill in today’s offering.”
When the service was over it was discovered that the collection plates contained 14 twenty dollar bills together with a note attached to an offering of $17 dollars which read as follows:
“This is all I had with me. I’ll put in the other $3 next week.”
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Sumungbat

Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.





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