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the PROFESSIONAL HECKLER II

Leo Beligan
1/21/2016 5:59:00 AM

ITULOY TAYO DITOY NI PROFESSIONAL HECKLER


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Leo Beligan
1/21/2016 6:02:00 AM
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
BOO!
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=19992
Booed
Last Sunday, Vice President Binay was reportedly booed after he was introduced by suspended Mayor Michael Rama at the formal opening of the Sinulog Grand Parade in Cebu City. Binay almost stole the show.

Reports say the booing prompted the Vice President to just greet the crowd instead of delivering a prepared speech. His decision to cut it short got the loudest applause.

Platform
In September 2015, Vice President Binay met with Nationalist People’s Coalition leaders and presented his plans for his first 100 days. Last Monday, it was the turn of presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte to talk about his platform. He met with NPC leaders and detailed his plans for the first 100 bodies.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=19994
Guia for Mar
San Juan City Mayor Guia Gomez, partner of former president and Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada has endorsed the presidential bid of Mar Roxas. The five other presidential candidates are not worried though. They can still rely on the support of Estrada’s five other partners.

Revenge
Accused plunderer Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, who is out on bail, can’t wait for the reopening of the Mamasapano massacre probe. Loyal admin supporters believe Enrile wants President Aquino charged and jailed for his “direct involvement” in the botched operation. Well, it can happen. But not in Enrile’s lifetime.

Separated
Sen. Tito Sotto’s daughter Ciara and her husband of six years Jojo Oconer have reportedly separated. Sotto will not comment on the issue until he has talked to the couple, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on the RH Law.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=19993
First Time
For the first time in history, a woman has been elected president of Taiwan. Democratic Progressive Party leader Ing-wen Tsai is 59 years old and single. During her free time, she visits her favorite nephews, Bimby Tsai and Joshua Tsai.

Oscars 2016
For the second year in a row, the Academy has exclusively nominated white actors for the show's top honors. People of color are upset. In protest, some famous celebrities have decided to skip this year's Oscar Awards including director Spike Lee, Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett-Smith and Vice President Binay.

Oldest
On Tuesday, the Internet was abuzz with reports that the world’s oldest man has died. A barrage of text messages and phone calls prompted Senator Enrile to issue a statement he’s still alive.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=19997
Stars Align
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn will be visible in the night sky in a rare astronomical alignment starting Friday. Astronomers have advised Anne Curtis and Billy Crawford to temporarily refrain from drinking alcohol, and Claudine Barretto to stay away from airports.
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“Every blade has two edges; he who wounds with one wounds himself with the other.”
~Victor Hugo

Sound Bites
Enrile wants to "hurt" the President "because PNoy put him in a stockade."
~Sen. Serge Osmena on the reopening of the Mamasapano probe

Elsewhere
Sylvia Estrada Claudio: Magnanakaw sa Senado
“Ang problema ay ubod ng yabang nitong si Senator Sotto. Hindi niya matanggap na tinalo siya ng mga maralita at mga kababaihan. Hindi matanggap ang demokratikong pasya ng karamihan. Kaya't nagmistulang akyat-bahay gang ang senador. Tulad ng magnanakaw, hinintay niyang natutulog tayo matapos ng mga kasiyahan ng Pasko at Bagong Taon. At habang tayo ay mahimbing na natutulog, ninakaw niya P1 bilyong pinag-ipunan natin.”

Interaksyon
Editorial: Hell to pay
“Blame instead a leadership and council that could have headed off this crisis but that, by some unfathomable complacency, incompetence, negligence to their principals, or all of the above, set everyone up for a sucker punch instead. Even when they're in the right, they set themselves up for a spectacular fall.”

Love will keep us alive. – Eagles / #RIPGlenFrey

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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John Viloria Cachola Jr.
1/21/2016 9:43:00 PM
Thank you very much, Apo Leo.
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Leo Beligan
1/24/2016 7:28:00 PM
In US politics, Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called “Trumpeters.” In Philippine politics, some supporters of Mayor Duterte are being called “Dutertenatics” while some Binay supporters are denying rumors they are being called “Binayarans.”

On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, boasting about his loyal supporters, said, “I could shoot somebody and not lose votes.” Shocking many Americans, and offending Duterte fanatics who hit Trump for his lack of originality.

Word War
You know it’s election season when politicians begin to diss one another. Mayor Duterte says Mar Roxas is “unfit to become president.” Roxas counters Mayor Duterte is “incompetent.” Jojo Binay says Roxas and Duterte are “just doing great. Keep it up.”

Gigi
For writing about her expensive bag and designer shoes, detained plunder suspect and former Enrile chief of staff Gigi Reyes lashed out at Inquirer reporter Marlon Ramos outside the Sandiganbayan courtroom last week. Unconfirmed reports say an upset Gigi Reyes shouted the reporter’s name – marking the first time a man’s name other than “Johnny!” came out of her mouth.

The End
Jinkee Pacquiao announced that Manny Pacquiao would retire from boxing this year to focus on politics. Boxing’s loss is Senate’s… even bigger loss.

Dismissed
Quezon City Councilor and actor Roderick Paulate has been dismissed from public service for employing 30 fictitious “job order personnel” and pocketing their supposed salary. On Instagram, Paulate described the news as “OA” and “pinalaki lang.” Probably, he had only 27 ghost employees. Or maybe, 25. Or 20. Basta. Pinalaki lang.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20010
Nabbed
Marine Col. Ferdinand Marcelino, a former PDEA official was arrested along with a Chinese national during a raid on a shabu laboratory in Manila last week. But Marcelino insisted he was at the shabu laboratory because he was doing “intelligence work.” Either that, or he’s insulting our intelligence.

Marine Col. Ferdinand Marcelino, a former official of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency, was arrested during a raid on a shabu laboratory in Manila last week. But the Marine colonel said he was at the shabu lab because he was doing “intelligence work.” His captors advised him to “tell that to the marines.”

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20011
Cursing
Accused of repeatedly cursing and humiliating a TV drama “extra,” director Cathy Garcia-Molina finally addressed the issue. In an emotional interview exclusively released online, Molina said, “For all those people na nasaktan ko in the past, I apologize. Maybe I was careless in my use of words.” Amid the criticisms, supporters rallied behind the “cursing” director including ABS-CBN talents, workmates, and Mayor Duterte.
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“Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule — and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
~H.L. Mencken

Sound Bites
“Nakakalungkot nga kasi minsan OA ang news. Hindi naman ito malaki; sobrang pinalaki lang ng mga nasa likod nito ang kasinungalingang ito.”
~Dismissed QC Councilor Roderick Paulate

“I admit nagmumura po ako. I admit nagkamali po ako. I never lied. I turned into a monster—with all good intensions na mapaganda ang show.”
~Cathy Garcia-Molina

Be sensitive. Always.

Elsewhere
Editorial: Waiting Game
“Does the expensive bag prove Reyes’ guilt? Of course not. It does, however, raise questions about her wealth, and the means by which she acquired it, right when she stands accused as an alleged principal in conspiring with Enrile and Janet Lim Napoles of skimming some P172 million off the senator’s pork barrel allocations.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
1/29/2016 6:32:00 PM


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BE LIKE

Posted: 28 Jan 2016 10:49 PM PST

YOU’VE SEEN them on Facebook. Those ‘Be like Bill’ memes. Some are worth sharing while some are annoying. Dagdagan pa natin ang pagkairita mo. Be like…

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1binay-4/
http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1duterte-2/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1gpl/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1mar-2/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1abaya-2/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1noy-7/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1jpe-2/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1gg-4/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1alma-2/

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/01/29/be-like/1inc-7/

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“I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”
~Jarod Kintz

Sound Bites
“Politicians, will you throw away people’s taxes for your parties and shopping, or guard them as gifts for social services? Being in politics means you have earned the trust of people when you were elected. You are given gift of trust, so don’t throw away (that) gift.”
~Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
2/5/2016 6:54:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
THE WALKING DEAD
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/05/the-walking-dead/1smb/
Allies
In the news today: Accused plunderer Juan Ponce Enrile has announced he would campaign for presidential candidate Jojo Binay. In totally unrelated news, social anthropologists have completely debunked the old adage, ‘Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

Freedom
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is confident he’ll be a free man once his trial is over. In fact, the signs are encouraging: he was granted bail; he’s back at the Senate, and Jojo Binay is ahead in the surveys.

Miraculous
Scientists at the Lilly & Putt Laboratories in the Bahamas are reportedly studying the “miraculous” recovery of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. The lawmaker appeared to be very sickly while still in detention but sprang back to good health after posting bail. The scientists believe Enrile has a rare case of Sakitsakitanitis palusotium.

Birthday Boy
Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile turns 92 on February 14. Yup, he’s already 92 and tireless. With Vice President Binay, Mang Johnny promises to lead UNA to victory in the coming elections. To those asking about the UNA hierarchy , Binay is the chairman of the party while Enrile is the corpse commander.

Addressing questions about his health, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sa mga nag-iisip na sana patay na ako, you will have your wish one day.” To which one shocked Senate reporter said, “You’re still alive?!”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/05/the-walking-dead/1makati-2/
Poor
Vice President Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado says the number of poor Filipinos has increased under the Aquino administration. Salgado made the statement shortly after looking out the window of his posh condo unit and saw the slums of Makati City.

Historic
San Miguel Beer overcome a 0-3 game deficit to clinch the PBA Philippine Cup title against Alaska Milk. Basketball fanatics described the seemingly improbable feat as "SMB coming back from the dead." Or as political observers would call it, the “Enrile syndrome.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/05/the-walking-dead/1benrile/
SMB Coach Leo Austria says even if you’re in the bottom, do not give up because “Miracles are just around the corner.” His words will likely inspire basketball players, other coaches, and Mar Roxas.

First Ladies
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says if he becomes president his first wife and his current girlfriend will have separate rooms in Malacañang. Even Joseph Estrada was like, "Gago!"

If he becomes president, Mayor Duterte vows to provide separate rooms for his first wife and his current girlfriend in Malacañang. When sought for a reaction, Mayor Erap said he would never ever do that - mainly because there would be a shortage of rooms.

Taiwan Traffic
The mayor of Taipei City has threatened to sack Department of Transportation Commissioner Chung Hui-yu for her department’s failure to solve the city’s recent traffic problems. Motorists have also called for the resignation of Hui-yu, a senior transportation planner who has a master’s degree from the Jun Abaya School of Management.
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“What is it about the government and its agents and employees that they can lie to us with impunity, but we risk being sent to jail if we lie to them?”
~Andrew P. Napolitano

Sound Bites
“I am for Jojo Binay. I will bet on Binay. Why would I bet on someone who will lose?”
~Juan Ponce Enrile

'Wag bobo sa Mayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Enrile; Rappler; Makati slums: Inquirer.Net; SMB: Rappler]

professionalheckler | PMpFri, 05 Feb 2016 14:09:17 +000009Friday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p02 | Tags: abaya and taiwan traffic, duterte and first wife, enrile and binay, professional heckler and political humor, san miguel vs. alaska historic, senator juan ponce enrile 92 | Categories: 2016 elections | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5dt

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Leo Beligan
2/8/2016 5:20:00 PM
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
FIFTY-SIX
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/08/fifty-six/1na-2/
ON FEBRUARY 8, President Aquino turned 56 years old. The President is feeling a bit awful; he’s already 56 – and still single. Worse, he can’t blame this on the previous administration.

Since it's his birthday, here are...

15 Little-Known Factoids About the President

1: He was born with a complete set of teeth but not a strand of hair.

2: His first words were “not,” “my,” and “fault.”

3: Unknown to many, Noynoy and Pinky (Aquino-Abelleda) are fraternal twins. In an extremely rare case that baffled the medical community in the late 1950s, Pinky was born three years ahead of her twin, Noynoy.

4: In grade school, Noynoy excelled in Religion and GMRC.

5: Noynoy helped debunk the myth that during sleep, an average person swallows four to eight spiders in his lifetime. As a pre-pubescent boy visiting Hacienda Luisita, Noynoy once swallowed 12 spiders.

6: In Ateneo, Noynoy was the least favorite student of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. She was his most hated professor.

7: In a slam book entry in the mid-‘70s, Noynoy defined “love” as “A lonely place to be. And so I learned to depend on me.” The line became the inspiration for the Whitney Houston classic, “(The) Greatest Love of All.”

8: He wears only yellow underwear every day of the week. His favorite is a set of Spongebob boxer-briefs from Bimby.

9: A PBA fan during the ‘90s, Noynoy cheered for the Purefoods Tender Juicy Hotdogs and even approved of his sister Kris’s romance with four-time MVP, Alvin Patrimonio. Until now, Noynoy still refers to Alvin as “bayaw.”

10: Noynoy once rejected an endorsement offer from Svenson.

11: When he was courting Korina Sanchez, it was his good friend, Mar Roxas who helped Noynoy draft the love letters he sent to the broadcaster.

12: A reluctant candidate for president until Election Day itself, Noynoy actually voted for his cousin, Gilbert Teodoro in 2010.

13: He’s a huge fan of Game of Thrones. His favorite character is “anyone in Peter Baelish’s brothel.”

14: In recent private LP gatherings, Noynoy would often mock Jojo Binay by doing an impression of the Vice President while reciting Mar Roxas’s political ad. For example, Noynoy would go something like…

“Ako po si Jojo Binay.
Sabi nila laki ako sa hirap
At meron akong madramang kwento.
Pero hindi ako sisiga-siga.
At hindi-hinding ko kayo nanakawan.
Jooooooke!”

And finally...
15: Noynoy couldn’t remember his first kiss. The girl would rather forget it as well.

Happy birthday and thank you Mr. President!
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“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.”
? Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

Sound Bites
“Dito lang ako nakapagbilang ng babaeng nahalikan ko ng lips to lips. ‘Tapos may isang kandidato, sabi niya, 'Itong si Duterte, napakadumi. Lahat ng mga babae, hinahalikan.' Bakit, 'yung hinahalikan mo, ayaw mo 'yung sakit niya? Kasi madumi siya? Ayaw mong yakapin ke mabaho o may sakit? O bakit gusto mong maging presidente?"
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte on his “kissing spree”

Have a great week! Kung Hei Fat Choi!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever

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Leo Beligan
2/13/2016 10:46:00 AM
Sick?
Last Thursday, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte was forced to cancel a speaking engagement. Reports say a respiratory infection triggered a headache, nausea and vomiting – the same symptoms experienced by people who repeatedly watched videos of him locking lips with his female supporters.

Dare
When asked if he was willing to release his medical records to the public, Mayor Duterte said, “I will release them if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised.” To which, Korina Sanchez replied, “Sus! Maliit na bagay.”

Dare II
Mayor Duterte says he will make public his medical records if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised. The Roxas camp described this latest tirade as “below the belt.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/13/circumcision-microbes-and-other-stories/1bbm/
Gimmick
Vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos recently launched an online gimmick called “Bongbong Into My Heart” - in which a lucky netizen stands a chance to win an exclusive lunch date with him. Apparently, Bongbong got his inspiration from Mayor Duterte’s own much talked-about gimmick called “Digong On Your Lips.”

Sacrifice
Lent officially started last Wednesday. It’s the time of the year when Christians usually give up something as a form of sacrifice like a favorite food, hobby or a habit. Grace Poe will never forget Lent of 2001. That year, she gave up being a Filipino.

Kissing
Scientists say there are 80 million microbes in a kiss but most are harmless and actually protect us from infections. Mayor Duterte calls it "a vindication of sorts."

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/13/circumcision-microbes-and-other-stories/1d30/
Breakthrough
Scientists have found proof of gravitational waves from two black holes that collided some 1.3 billion years ago. Filipinos would have been more impressed if scientists could help locate Ebeng Baloloy and Gerry Limlingan.

Premature Cam
Senatorial aspirant Sandra Cam is furious at Alan Peter Cayetano. Cam said Cayetano barred her from speaking at Mayor Duterte's proclamation rally in Tondo, Manila. Preventing Cam from speaking was totally unfair because the crowd was deprived of the chance to ignore her.

Banned
PBA import Ivan Johnson of Tropang TNT has been banned from the PBA and was slapped with P250,000 fine for cursing at PBA Commissioner Chito Salud. The cursing import has since left Manila and relocated to a city deemed friendlier to him - Davao.

Forever
According to a recent Social Weather Stations study, 73 percent of adult Filipinos believe in 'forever.' To the remaining 27 percent... 'wag nang bitter. Move on na please.
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“Denial is a useful defense mechanism until it's not.”
~Rosalind Kaplan

Sound Bites
“I am well. Do not worry about my health. Worry about yourselves so you can vote for me.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

“May nagsabi pa nga, ‘ano ba naman ang experience ni Senator Grace Poe, teacher lang ‘yan.’ Totoo, kulang ako sa karanasan sa pagnanakaw at pangungurakot.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: ABSCBN News Screengrab; Bongbong Marcos Twitter; Gravitational Waves: Extreme Tech.com]

professionalheckler
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Leo Beligan
2/17/2016 6:39:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
EXCLUSIVE: MANNY PACQUIAO WITHDRAWS CANDIDACY
by professionalheckler

JUST MINUTES after Boy Abunda’s impassioned speech denouncing Manny Pacquiao’s anti-LGBT statement, the senatorial candidate sought an audience with the King of Talk. Here’s the full, unedited online-exclusive conversation between Boy and Pacquiao.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/17/exclusive-manny-pacquiao-withdraws-candidacy/1ma/

Mga kaibigan, hindi po kayo namamalik-mata. Kasama ko ngayon, Manny Pacquiao. Magandang gabi, Manny at maraming salamat sa pagpapaunlak mo sa panayam na ito!


Wala ‘yon Kuya Boy. Sumusunod lang ako sa kagustuhan ni Lord. Sabi kasi sa Luke 6:35, "Love your enemies… expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great… for He Himself is kind to evil men.”

So, sinasabi mo bang evil ako Manny? Masahol sa hayop na, evil pa? Hindi ko naman yata matatanggap ‘yan.

Kuya Boy, hindi ako ang nagsabi niyan. Bible ang nagsabi niyan.

Manny, sabi rin sa Bible, and let me quote Leviticus 20:10, “If a man commits adultery with his neighbor's wife, both the man and the woman who have committed adultery must be put to death.” Ang tanong ko Manny: Bakit buhay ka pa?

Hindi mo na-gits ang Bible, Kuya Boy. Ang linaw ng sabi ‘di ba: “If a man commits adultery with his neighbor's wife…” NEIGHBOR’S WIFE daw Kuya Boy. Unang-una, hindi ko neighbor ang naging chicks ko. Pangalawa, single ang mga ‘yon; hindi pa sila wife. So paanong ipu-put to death ako? Common sense lang Kuya Boy. Common sense.

Manny, napanood ko ang iyong apology sa Twitter at Facebook. And allow me to quote you, “Nais ko pong humingi ng paumanhin sa lahat ng nasaktan dahil sa aking pagkumpara sa tao sa hayop. Iyon po ay kamalian ko.” Manny, linawin nga natin. Kamalian mo ito… dahil?

Dahil kahapon ko lang nalaman Kuya Boy na meron palang baklang hayop at meron ding tomboy na hayop. Sobrang shocked ako. ‘Tapos, may nabasa pa ako tungkol sa flatworms. Nagpi-penis fencing daw ang mga bulateng ‘yan. Grabi. At ‘yan ang pagkakamali ko Kuya Boy. Baligtad ang sinabi ko sa interview. Dapat pala: mas masahol pa sila sa tao. Kinilabutan talaga ako. Ipagpi-pray ko na lang sila Kuya Boy.

Manny, reaksyon lang sa mga kumento ng ilang taga-industriya. Direk Joey Reyes indirectly described you as a “celebrated bigot.”

Ok lang.

Hindi ka nasasaktan kapag tinatawag kang bigot?

Hindi.

Really?! Hindi ka nasasaktan at all?

Hindi ko naman alam ang bigot. Hihi What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Uy Ingles. Hihi

Ang sabi ni Vice Ganda… “Ang pagpatol sa parehong kasarian ay masahol pa sa hayop??? Eh ang pakikiapid habang ika’y may asawa, anong kababuyan ‘to? Pakisagot Manny!”

Sinagot ko na ‘yan kanina Kuya Boy. Parurusahan ka lang ni Lord kung makikiapid ka sa “neighbor’s wife.” Kung hindi mo pa rin gits Vice Ganda, ipagpi-pray na lang kita. Pero sige, hinahamon kita, magpakita ka ng pruwiba. Nasaan ang kapitbahay na pinatulan ko? NASAAN?!? Nagbibintang ka. Matakot ka naman sa Diyos. “You shall not spread a false report.” Exodus 23:1

May mas matindi pang sinabi si Vice. Ang ginamit niyang term: false prophet.

Nakakalungkot Kuya Boy dahil pinaghirapan kong lahat ang laban ko, ang yaman ko, ang mga investments ko. Hindi ako nagnakaw. Kung anuman ang tinubo ko sa negosyo, true lahat ‘yon. Anong false ang ipinagkakalat niya? Konting common sense naman.

Manny, si Aiza Seguerra nag-tweet din. Just so you know, Aiza is married to Liza Diño, at sabi niya, you are an “ignorant, bigoted hypocrite.”

Pasinsya na Kuya Boy pero kukuntrahin ko ang dalawang sinabi niya. Hindi ako ignorante at hindi rin ako hypocrite. Pero aaminin ko: ilang araw na akong hindi nag-aahit kaya bigoted ako. May point naman siya dun kahit papa’no.

Nagsalita na ang iyong kandidato sa pagkapangulo, si Vice President Binay. He said entitled ka raw sa opinion mo.

Una, pasalamat ako kay VP Binay sa support niya. Hindi ako nagkamali ng piniling kandidato sa pagka-prisidinti. Pangalawa, iisipin ko pa. Isa na lang muna. Kailangan ba ngayon na?

Ano ang masasabi mo sa alegasyon ng pagnanakaw, kurapsyon at pandarambong na ibinabato laban kay VP?

Katulad din ‘yan ng sagot ko sa pakikiapid Kuya Boy. Leviticus 19:13, “Do not defraud or rob your neighbor.” Kapitbahay ba ni VP ang sinasabing ninakawan niya? Hindi naman ‘di ba? City hall ‘yon. Hindi naman siya nakatira sa tabi ng city hall kaya hindi ‘yon neighbor. Sa madaling salita, walang kasalanan si VP. Common sense lang Kuya Boy. Common sense.

Noong isang araw, usap-usapan din sa social media ang anak ni Sen. Grace Poe na si Brian dahil nag-post ito ng picture ng sapatos na nabili niya for 10,000 pesos. Unethical daw ito sabi ng ilang kritiko. Bilang preacher, ano ba ang sinasabi ng Bible tungkol dito?

Huwag na nating idamay ang Bible Kuya Boy. Common sense lang. Nakakita ka na ba ng hayop na nagsuot ng mamahaling sapatos? Hindi pa ‘di ba? In short, ‘yang anak ni Grace Poe ay masahol pa sa hayop.

Sa latest senatorial survey, pasok ka sa Magic 12 which means posibleng manalo ka sa eleksyon. My question is: What have we done as a nation to deserve this?

Sa totoo lang Kuya Boy hindi ko rin inexpect na papasok ako sa Magic 12. Unang-una, hindi naman ako naniniwala sa magic. “….for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord.” Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Pangalawa, ano nga ulit ‘yong tanong mo?

Ibang tanong na lang Manny. Hypothetical lang, kung isa sa mga anak mong lalaki ay maging homosekswal at magkagusto sila sa kapwa lalaki, paano mo ito haharapin?

Alam mo Kuya Boy, ‘yan din ang nagtulak para magpa-interview ako sa ‘yo. Gusto kong dito i-announce ang isang napakahalagang bagay.

May bakla sa mga anak mo Manny?!? Sino sa kanila? Si Michael na kamukha mo? Si Jimuel na kamukha ni Jinkee? Syet, huwag mong sabihing si Israel!?!

Bakit ko naman i-a-announce na bakla ang anak ko? Common sense naman Kuya Boy.

So ano nga ang announcement mo?

Kung pwede Kuya Boy, haharap na ako sa camera…

Go!

Sa mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Unang-una, ‘pasalamat ako sa Panginoon dahil binigyan niya ako ng lakas ng loob na gawin ito ngayon. Pangalawa, 'pasalamat ako sa pamilya ko, sa mga kapartido ko, kay VP Binay at sa lahat ng supporters ko.

Narito ako ngayon para i-announce na aatras na po ako sa pagtakbo sa pagka-senador. Alam kong marami sa inyo ang malulungkot sa desisyon kong ito pero dapat ko itong gawin para sa aking mga anak na lalaki.

Napagpasyahan ko pong ilaan na lang ang oras ko sa kanila. Habang ako ay malakas pa, iti-train ko sila sa pagboboksing at iba pang contact sports para matiyak na hindi sila magiging bakla. Bakit ‘ka n’yo? Dahil malinaw po ang nakasulat sa Leviticus 20:13.

“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.”

Sinusunod ko lang po ang utos ni Lord kaya ngayon pa lang ay gagawa na ako ng paraan para maiiwas sa malaking kasalanan sina Michael, Jimuel at maging si Israel.

“… neither effeminate, nor homosexuals… shall inherit the kingdom of God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-10

Sana po ay maunawaan n’yo ang aking desisyon. May mga anak din kayong lalaki at babae. Gusto n’yo ba silang lumaking sumisiping sa kapwa nila lalaki o kapwa babae? Common sense lang. Common sense.

Maraming salamat po and God bless you all.

THANK YOU MANNY. Magbabalik ang Tonight With Boy Abunda.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
? Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Collected Works

Sound Bites
“Common sense lang. Makakakita ka ba ng any animals na lalaki sa lalaki, babae sa babae? Mas mabuti pa yung hayop. Marunong kumilala kung lalaki, lalaki, o babae, babae. Kung lalaki sa lalaki, babae sa babae, eh mas masahol pa sa hayop ang tao.”
~Manny Pacquiao

Relationships
Manny Pacquiao shuns same sex unions. He believes that relationships must only be between a man and a woman. And another woman. And another woman. And another woman.

Love. Love. Love.


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: MP/BA: Inquirer.net; Pacquiao/Binay: Tempo]

professionalheckler | PMpWed, 17 Feb 2016 15:25:49 +000025Wednesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p02 | Tags: manny pacquiao and vice president binay, manny pacquiao for senator, manny pacquiao masahol pa sa hayop, manny pacquiao vs. boy abunda, manny pacquiao vs. homosexuals, manny pacquiao withdraws candidacy, professional heckler political humor | Categories: 2016 elections | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5e8



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Leo Beligan
2/22/2016 5:28:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
BURN!
by professionalheckler

AVID SUPPORTERS and defenders of Manny Pacquiao scored the media for uploading a shorter version of his controversial "Masahol pa sa hayop" interview. The shorter version, they claim, made it appear that Pacquiao was completely ignorant and bigot - compared to the longer version which showed that Pacquiao was completely ignorant and bigot.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/22/burn/1nike/
Torched
Members of a Born Again Christian group in Cebu City torched a pile of Nike shoes in protest of Nike’s decision to drop Manny Pacquiao as endorser. When sought for reaction, Nike said, “We’re really busy right now. But we promise to ignore them some other time. Thank you.”

Reports say a pastor led the burning of a pile of Nike shoes in protest of Nike’s decision to sever ties with Manny Pacquiao. This latest development has saddened local Nike employees, LGBT groups, and Brian Poe Llamanzares.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/22/burn/1lynrilloninq/
Presidential Debate
The first presidential debate was held Sunday in Cagayan De Oro City. The five candidates were in their usual element: Mayor Duterte was straightforward; Senator Miriam was still articulate ['though she looked fragile and her voice was shaking]; Mar Roxas started aggressive and ended dramatic, while Grace Poe was calm and composed. As expected, Vice President Binay trumpeted his accomplishments in Makati. Nothing more. I’m not sure why some people are saying he stole the show.

Goals
In the closing statement, the candidates were asked, “Why should you be the next president of the Philippines?” This was a randomly selected question sent online - incidentally by two different persons: Miss Universe Organization’s Paula Shugart and Miss World Chair Julia Morley.

Some debate questions were picked from a bowl, and like the Miss Universe 2015 pageant, PiliPinas Debates 2016 was hosted by a comedian, Mike Enriquez.

Emotional
An emotional Mar Roxas said he wanted to be president, “Dahil gusto kong maging ganito rin ang buhay n’yo: Malaya sa gutom, malaya sa takot, malayang mangarap.” And then it became awkward when somebody shouted, “Cut! Isa pa! Take 2 tayo.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/22/burn/1pdinquirer/
Deadline
Mayor Duterte vowed to “get rid of drugs, suppress crime, and stop corruption in government in a matter of three to six months.” Or as that’s also called, “magic.”

Underspending
In his closing statement, Vice President Binay said, “Tigilan na po natin ‘yang underspending!” I’m not an expert on budgeting but when it comes to spending taxpayers’ money, I find it hard to trust the man who gave as the Makati City Hall parking building.

Unanswered Question
Asked why he should be the next president of the Philippines, Vice President Binay said, “Tigilan na ang underspending.” He didn’t answer the question directly, and eventually wound up as 4th Runner-up.

Loser
Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano said the debate's biggest loser was Vice President Binay. While the biggest winner was GMA-7 Sales Department.

In Other News…
According to a recent survey, the first thing that Filipinos do after waking up in the morning is to check their cellphones. The second thing is to complain about something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Avoid and ignore the idiots who try to bring you down in life; they are not worth your time.”
~Ken Poirot

Sound Bites
“Nag-aantay akong mamatay. Eh hindi ako pinatay ng guardian angel ko eh. I’m only 70 years old plus six-year term as president, I would have served my country. I did not want to spend the next six years lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I didn’t lie in bed. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my country because graft and corruption is endemic.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, #PilipinasDebates2016

"Nang tanungin s'ya sa debate kung paano niya nakuha ang kanyang lupa, ang sabi n'ya minana daw niya ito, mula sa kanyang nanay at tatay. Pero kung matatandaan natin, sa kanyang patalastas, sinabi ni Binay na namatay ang kanyang nanay na wala silang perang pampaospital. May lupa pala ang nanay niya. Hindi man lang nila ito isinanla o ibenta para maipagamot ang kanyang nanay?"
~Alan Peter Cayetano on Vice President Binay

#TeamNoToThieves2016

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever


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Leo Beligan
2/28/2016 6:00:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
WORDS
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/28/words/1pd/

BASED ON the transcript of Pilipinas Debates 2016, the most mentioned word during the debate was “problema.” Unfortunately, no one mentioned “solution.”

Phrases
According to the transcript of Pilipinas Debates 2016, the most uttered word during the debate was “problema.” While the most uttered phrase by televiewers was “Yeah right.”

Upset
Vice President Binay is not happy with some of the questions asked during the recent Pilipinas Debates 2016. Expecting to be grilled on his track record, Binay was instead asked something about his real estate properties. Which, in defense of GMA Network, still highlighted Binay’s track record - in amassing wealth.

Commercials
Likewise, the Vice President complained about the long commercial breaks. Which would have been, in fact, a lot shorter if Binay and his fellow candidates did not buy spots for their political ads.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/28/words/1im-5/
Ooops!
Imelda Marcos attended a morning mass last Wednesday which, unknown to her was intended for the victims of the Marcos regime. Mrs. Marcos realized she was at the “wrong” mass when attendees began staring at her as they sang, “Kunin mo o Diyos at tanggapin mo…”

Political Parties
Senatorial candidate Panfilo Lacson is pushing for the return of the two-party system in the country - - totally surprising millennials who thought the two-party system already existed: the Sinungaling and the Magnanakaw parties.

Jobs
Presidential candidate Mar Roxas vows to generate 1 million jobs yearly if elected. In fact, he can create jobs as early as now. Stuck in 3rd or 4th place in the latest surveys, he would need additional people to work for his campaign.

Burial
During a campaign sortie in the vote-rich city of Tacloban, presidential candidate Grace Poe told the media she was open to the idea of allowing the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. But Poe clarified she wasn’t politicking. She was just speaking as a daughter orphaned by her estranged father.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/02/28/words/1lsb/Frozen
Lip Sync Battle Philippines had its pilot episode on GMA 7 last Saturday. To open the show, host Michael V channeled the character Elsa and lip-sync’d to the hit song ‘Let It Go’ from the animated film ‘Frozen’ which tells the story of a late dictator who was repeatedly denied a hero’s burial.

Buttons
Facebook has added reaction buttons in addition to the original 'like' button. These are 'haha,' 'wow,' 'love,' 'angry,' and 'sad.' Or as that's collectively called, 'the five stages of falling in love.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.”
~Lysander Spooner

Sound Bites
“Umpisa pa lang ang sabi, ang pag-uusapan natin, track record. Aba, ang itinanong naman sa akin ay lupa kong namana at ang lupa kong nabili.”
~Vice President Binay hitting the organizers of Pilipinas Debates 2016

Think before you vote.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
3/4/2016 6:17:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
REJECTED DEBATE QUESTIONS
by professionalheckler

THE NEXT presidential debate will take place in Cebu on March 20. Here are some suggested but #RejectedDebateQuestions.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/04/rejected-debate-questions/1debate-2/
1: Kung mawawalan ng wallet ang isa sa inyong lima at isa rin sa inyo ang kumuha, sino ang una mong paghihinalaang nagnakaw nito?

2: Nagbulsa ka na ba kahit isang sentimo man lang mula sa kaban ng bayan? Kung oo, magkano? Kung hindi pa, kailan mo ito balak gawin, and why?

3: Sang-ayon ba kayo sa pahayag ni Manny Pacquiao na ang mga lesbian at bading na gumagawa ng “homosexual acts” ay “mas masahol pa sa hayop?” Demonstrate.

4: Kapag biglang tumirik ang siksikang MRT na iyong sinasakyan one rush hour Monday, do you expect us to believe you'll take the MRT on a rush hour Monday? Bonus question: Saang station kaya titirik ang MRT? Cite statistics.

5: Matapos ideklarang unconstitutional ng Supreme Court ang ‘pork barrel,’ sino sa mga kakilala o kaibigan mong mambabatas ang labis na nalungkot, nagalit, at nanghinayang sa nawalang kita o komisyon? I-upload sa social media ang kanyang pictures gamit ang Pic Collage.

6: Dahil ipinangangalandakan n'yong mahal n’yo ang mahihirap, gusto n’yo ba silang dumami?

7: Batay sa ‘yong sariling pag-aaral, ano ang kuneksyon nina Enrile, Jinggoy, Bong Revilla, at Gigi Reyes kay Janet Napoles? Gumamit ng Venn diagram sa pagpapaliwanag.

8: Ang sabi ni Alma Moreno, “Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.” Kung naniniwala kayo sa sinabi niya, magpakita ng pruweba.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/04/rejected-debate-questions/1debate/
9: Magkano na ang nagagastos mo sa kampanya at anong pabor ang gagawin mo upang makabayad ng utang na loob sa iyong campaign donors?

10: Kung ikaw ang mananalo, at habang nakaupo ay dumanas ng kamalasan ang administrasyon mo, sisisihin mo rin ba ang dating pangulo?

11: Senator Grace Poe, alin ang mas kabisado mo: The Star Spangled Banner o Lupang Hinirang? Perform an a capella of your answer in a range of at least five octaves.

12: Mayor Binay, ano ang cellphone number nina Gerry Limlingan at Ebeng Baloloy? Patunayan ang sinseridad mo sa publiko by dialing your friends’ numbers and talking to both them - in speaker phone mode. Now na.

13: Senator Miriam, Anyareh?! Justify.

14: Mayor Duterte, If a suspected drug pusher is killed by the Davao Death Squad (DDS) and no one is around to witness it or the body is not found, does the DDS commit a crime?

15: Secretary Mar, Kung isa lang sa dalawang ito ang pwedeng mapasa'yo, alin ang pipiliin mo: ang maging pangulo o ang asawa mo?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Don't raise your voice, improve your argument."
~Desmond Tutu

Sound Bites
"The bottom line: Marcos left such an economic hole that it took the country another 14 years (since 1986) before we could regain the real per capita income levels we were enjoying, such as they were, before the Philippine collapse in 1983. That was, unarguably, the Marcos Legacy. And arguably he left us also a culture of impunity and world-class corruption that is even more difficult to erase. To top it all, the Marcos who wants to be vice president is unapologetic about martial law."
~Prof. Solita Monsod

Have a fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

professionalheckler | AMpFri, 04 Mar 2016 00:00:42 +000000Friday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p03 | Tags: binay debate, duterte debate, miriam debate, poe debate, professional heckler political humor, rejected debate questions philippines, roxas debate | Categories: 2016 elections | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5eM

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Leo Beligan
3/8/2016 5:35:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
GETTING HOT IN HERE
by professionalheckler

GOOD NEWS and bad news for LP standard bearer Mar Roxas. The latest survey puts him in second place. The bad news is three others are statistically tied for first.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/08/getting-hot-in-here/1inq/
According to the latest survey conducted by Standard Today, the race for president has “become tighter.” Grace Poe is still leading with 26 percent followed by Mayor Duterte with 24 percent. Vice President Binay drops to third place with 23 percent while Mar Roxas came in fourth with 22 percent. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus Senator Miriam’s rating.

Top Spender
A PCIJ report reveals Cong. Ferdinand Martin Romualdez of Leyte, who is running for senator, has spent more than half a BILLION pesos on pre-campaign political ads alone. And Imelda Marcos was like, “Pamangkin nga kita.”

Top Spender II
Leyte Rep. Ferdinand Martin Romualdez has spent more than half a BILLION pesos on pre-campaign ads. Talk about full Yolanda recovery.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/08/getting-hot-in-here/1km/
Para-paraan
Broadcaster Korina Sanchez was heavily criticized for joining DA officials on stage during the distribution of agriculture funds and equipment in Davao, North Cotabato, and Pampanga recently. Apparently, Malacañang forgot to publicly announce Korina’s appointment as Agriculture undersecretary.

Summer
Summer is here again and people have started to complain about the heat. Some envy vice presidential candidate Gringo Honasan because in UNA’s campaign sorties, he gets to stand next to something shady.

Summer II
Summer is here! Mar Roxas is sweating a lot more as election approaches.

Summer III
Summer is off to a sizzling start! Even expelled INC minister Lowell Menorca couldn’t stand the heat, he left the country.

Denial
Presidential candidate Grace Poe has categorically denied The Daily Tribune’s report she used a fake social security number (005-03-1988) in acquiring a real estate property in the US. Netizens were shocked: “There's a Daily Tribune?!??”

Sentenced
An Iranian billionaire was sentenced to death for corruption. Said Vice President Binay, "Thank God I’m a Filipino!"

Zika
Reports say the Zika virus may be "sexually-transmitted." Congratulations, you are safe!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/08/getting-hot-in-here/1ray/
@Peace Now
Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of email has died at the age of 74. Returned to sender.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“When one with honeyed words but evil mind
Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state.”
~Euripides, Orestes

Sound Bites
“There were millions of people you could potentially reach.”
~Ray Tomlinson, Inventor of the email

Drink plenty of water.

[Photos: Presidentiables: Inquirer.net; Korina Sanchez: Manila Bulletin; Ray Tomlinson: BBC]

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
3/12/2016 5:32:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
TAKE 2: I QUIT
by professionalheckler

FOR THE SECOND TIME, presidential sister Kris Aquino announces she is quitting show business. Which was a bit anticlimactic ‘coz after 'Etiquette for Mistresses' and 'All You Need Is Pag-ibig,' we thought showbiz had already quit on her.

Kris Aquino leaving showbiz right NOW is like DJ Mbenga and Kwame Brown leaving the world champion Lakers.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/12/take-2-i-quit/1kris-6/

With regard to her announcement, here’s Krissy’s latest statement:

“NAKAKALOKA. Hindi ko kinaya ang universe this week. Nag-conspire yata talaga para ‘di masyadong mapansin ang announcement ko. Irita ako ng slight, promise. Allow me to explain.

Ang totoo, Monday ko talaga dapat ipo-post sa Instagram ang decision ko to leave showbiz temporarily. (I know. I know. Second time na ‘to. Promise, this one’s for real.) Pero na-realize ko, Tuesday is International Women’s Day. ‘Di ba mas bongga? Mas relevant! So nag-compose muna ako ng post at hinintay kong mag-Tuesday!

The next day, Martes, maaga akong bumangon para i-post ang announcement ko. Medyo antok pa ang lola n’yo at may konting sinat pa pero keri lang. Post! So hinintay kong mag-comment ang followers ko. In fairness, marami-rami namang nalungkot. Sa isip-isip ko, “big news” ito later. Top story! “Multimedia queen, iiwan na ang showbiz!” Pak! Happy International Women’s Day to all!

Cut to: Around 3PM, I asked Darla to check the top trending topics on Twitter. I’m sure, nandun ako!

“Krissy, hindi pa masyadong pinag-uusapan ang announcement mo. Pero trending ‘yong Grace Poe!”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/12/take-2-i-quit/1gp-2/
‘Yun pala, lumabas that same day ang decision ng Supreme Court on Grace Poe’s disqualification cases. Emosyonal ang senadora! Natural, siya ang bidang-bida!

Hay naku Atty. Theodore Te, wrong timing talaga kayo. Pwede namang Wednesday na lang inilabas ang decision 'di ba! Bakit nakisabay ka pa!? Natabunan tuloy ang important announcement ko! I mean, hellloooooo! Halos dalawang dekada na akong napapanood sa TV ‘no! Eh si Grace Poe, wala pang 10 years sa Pilipinas, pinayagan lang tumakbo! Naku, ayaw nina Ate Koring at Dr. Elenita Binay ng ganyan! Promise!

Na-mention ko na rin lang si Korina, naloka naman ako kay Mar the other day. Sorry ‘Noy, but I have to make a comment lang. Kasi nga, Korina was present in a couple of Department of Agriculture events recently. Give ng cash here, give ng farming equipment there, winner ‘di ba? When a reporter asked Mar about it, napikon ang lolo n’yo. Hindi raw ba pwedeng mag-campaign for him si Korina na asawa naman niya. Naloka ako nang bongga. Of course pwede, Mar! Ano ka ba?! Pero ang isyu, bakit sa events pa ng Department of Agriculture? Ayan, na-compare tuloy siya kay Imelda. Ayaw ko nang habaan pa ang litanya dahil baka tumawag na naman si Ate Pinky. I’m sure, sasabihin niya, “Krissy! We’re on Mar’s side, LP tayo. Stop it na!” ‘K. Fine. Aha-ha-ha!

Going back to my announcement…
So ‘yun na nga. Natabunan na ako ng Grace Poe issue. ‘Buti na lang pinick-up ng ilang online news outlets ang IG posts ko; at least, kahit papa’no pinag-usapan pa rin naman ako. In Darla’s words. “Iingay pa ‘yan.” At sabi nga ni Alma, “Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.” So ‘yun na nga ang ginawa ko, I prayed.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/12/take-2-i-quit/1lrt/
And then came Thursday! Dito na ako nainis nang bonggang-bongga. There’s this talkative boy in school uniform na nag-post ng video habang sakay sa LRT na open ang door! NAKAKALOKA! Hindi ko talaga kinaya. I mean, ‘yong talkative boy NOT the open door! Promise, naka-relate ako sa kanya. You know, the attention, the instant fame, and all. ‘Buti na lang at walang nagtulak sa kanya palabas. Ang ingay-ingay niya sa tren ‘no! Feeling siguro ni bagets, member siya ng Dauntless sa Divergent movie. Watch this para ma-gets n’yo.

Pero to be fair, mabuti na ring lumabas ang video ni talkative boy (na James pala ang name. Wow, what a coincidence!) I can’t imagine Bimby or Josh on a train na open ang door habang tumatakbo. I swear, magdedemanda ako! MAGDEDEMANDA AKO!

Going back to my announcement…
Nagpa-interview nga pala ako kay Jo-Ann Maglipon ng YES! Magazine about my decision to quit showbiz. Na-feature naman sa news 'yong tungkol sa YES! interview ko last Friday so feeling ko finally… sa akin na ang focus. Eh biglang umeksena itong RCBC Branch Manager sa NAIA. Natabunan na naman ang interview ko! Imbey!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/12/take-2-i-quit/1rcbc/
In case you missed it, ito ‘yon: Nagamit pala sa money laundering itong RCBC. Millions of dollars mula sa Bangladeshi government ang dinivert ng hackers sa bansa through RCBC! Grabe! I’m not sure lang kung alin ang mas shocking: ‘yong nagamit ang RCBC o ‘yong fact na may millions of dollars ang mga Bangladeshi. I’m sooo mean! I remember kasi this joke from the ‘90s: sa sobrang hirap daw ng Philippines, Bangladesh na lang ang ‘di natin natatalo. Ouch.

Anyway, may Senate hearing next week at invited itong si RCBC Branch Manager Maia Santos-Deguito. Pero kahapon, nag-attempt pala siyang umalis ng country. Malas lang niya dahil naalerto agad ng AMLC ang Bureau of Immigration. Ayun, kahit nakaupo na, pinababa pa rin siya ng plane. Ang sad. I think I’m gonna cry. Hu-hu-hu Pero bad ‘yang money laundering huh. Masisira ang good image ng Philippines na pinaghirapan pa naman ni ‘Noy. Good luck sa hearing!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/12/take-2-i-quit/1kk/
Going back to my announcement…
Baka June na ako makabalik sa TV. Or July. Or earlier. I don’t know. Since election season naman at nasa candidates ang atensyon ng buong Pilipinas, disappear na muna ako. Pagbalik ko, hopefully… wala na si politics si Noy, at si Mar na ang presidente. Kung mamalasin, ‘yong taga-Makati. Or malay natin, isa uling babae. Naku, baka magalit sa akin ang mga taga-Davao. Sige na nga, isasama ko na si Mayor Duterte. Pero promise, ang corny nung Du30. It’s read as Du-thirty not Du-ter-te. Masyadong pilit eh.

To my fans, thank you for the love. Hindi naman ako mawawala totally eh. Ako pa?! Sa mga nag-send sa akin ng videos na umiiyak sila ‘tapos parang nagde-deliver ng eulogy, how morbid! Buhay pa ‘ko! Nakakaloka kayo! Mapapanood n’yo pa rin naman ako sa commercials ‘tapos mababasa n’yo pa rin regularly ang mga post ko sa IG na mas mahahaba pa kaysa sa Supreme Court decisions.

Promise, pagbalik ko, marami akong pasabog! Mas bongga! Mas winner! Mas pag-uusapan! I’m sure, viral material ang comeback interview ni Krissy! Unless, mag-post na naman ng kanyang documentary ‘yong talkative boy sa LRT! Kalurky!

Love. Love. Love.
http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/12/take-2-i-quit/1kk-2/
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“When you become a celebrity, your shit becomes news.”
~M.F. Moonzajer

Sound Bites
"Just like all of you, I love my family. My most valuable life destiny is to be Mama to Kuya Josh and Bimby; and to be a loving, selfless sister to Ate Pinky, Noy, and Viel: a bunso who doesn't give them constant worry because of my health and safety."
~Kris Aquino

Elsewhere
“But in the face of yet another sterling opportunity for Binay to once and for all answer the charges squarely, he is again hedging and bellyaching. Unfortunately, even the COA that he had once depended on for official clearance now agrees: He has some explaining to do.”
~Philippine Daily Inquirer, Explain Already

Stay healthy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino: IG; Grace Poe: PhilStar.Com; RCBC: ABSCBN News; LRT: James Cubelo]

professionalheckler

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Leo Beligan
3/17/2016 6:17:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
MAGNANAKAW
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20196

THE CANDIDATES for president will take a break after Sunday's debate to take part in some Holy Week activities.

Overheard Part 1: Senakulo
Grace Poe: Hi guys! May nag-i-invite sa atin para gumanap sa senakulo. Game ba kayo?

Roxas: Oo naman! Ano pa bang roles ang hanap nila?

Duterte: ‘Yong magnanakaw na ipapako katabi ni Hesus. Kulang pa yata sila ng isa.

Miriam: Well, I know someone who's perfect for the role.

Binay: Ulol!

Overheard Part 2: Magnanakaw
Binay: O, invited pala ang mga presidentiables sa senakulo. Kailangan daw nila ng taong gaganap na magnanakaw. Ngayon na ang rehearsal. As in, right now.

Duterte: Eh ba't nandito ka pa?

Binay:

Duterte: Nagtatanong lang. Bawal?!?

Overheard Part 3: Barabbas
Binay: Miriam, sali tayo sa senakulo. Kailangan pa nila ng gaganap na Hudas at Barabbas.

Miriam: Sige, ako na 'yong Barabbas. ‘Di ba s’ya 'yong pipiliin ng taumbayan para palayain?

Binay: Ay! ‘Di ka nga pala pwedeng mag-Barabbas. Kasi, baka 'pag tinanong ang taumbayan kung sino ang dapat palayain, malamang 3 percent lang ang magtaas ng kamay. Mababago ang kwento.

Miriam:

Binay: Joooooke! Bawal magalit. Baka ma-stress.

Overheard Part 4: Hesus
Binay: O guys, invited tayo sa senakulo. Naghahanap pa raw ng taong gaganap na Hesus. Siyempre, dapat may charisma at relatable sa masa.

Roxas: Tara!

Binay: SABI KO, MAY CHARISMA AT RELATABLE SA MASA!!! MAHIRAP BANG INTINDIHIN ‘YON?

Roxas:

Binay: Grabe naman ‘tong makatingin. Kung ako nga ang masabihan n’yong magnanakaw, ganun-ganun na lang! Napikon ba ako?!

Overheard Part 5: Options
Roxas: O guys, ang daming nag-i-invite sa atin for Holy Week. Kung pupunta tayo, saan kaya mas sure ang boto: senakulo o pabasa?

Binay: Visita Iglesia!

Roxas:

Binay: May sure 1 million votes ka do'n Kapatid. Ayaw mo pa?

Overheard Part 6: Stations of the Cross
Grace: Teka, taken na raw ang roles for the Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene at maging ‘yong Veronica. May role pa ba para sa akin?

Roxas: Meron. Sa Stations of the Cross.

Grace: I’ll carry my own cross?

Roxas: Hindi. Ipagpapatuloy mo ang mga nasimulan ni Hesus.

Grace:

Roxas: #medyowaley

Overheard Part 7: Extrajudicial Killing
Roxas: Uy, join tayo sa senakulo. Marami pang roles na open.

Duterte: Pwede bang ako na si Hesus?

Roxas: Naku! Mas bagay kung ikaw ang papatay kay Hesus.

Duterte:

Roxas:

Duterte: F*ck you! Pisti!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tradition is a fragile thing in a culture built entirely on the memories of the elders.”
~Alice Albinia, Empires of the Indus: The Story of a River

Sound Bites
“I received threats. The threat was passed through a high official from a close and valued ally-politician of the vice president. They said they are going to run after me if the vice president wins as president. Go ahead, I welcome that. I'm not scared.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales

Enjoy your weekend!

I am on Twitter: @


  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
3/21/2016 5:57:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
NOTES ON A DEBATE
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/1pd2/
THE SECOND presidential debate took place Sunday in Cebu City. #PilipinasDebates2016 started 90 minutes late though because Vice President Binay refused to follow one debate rule: No cheating.

Vice President Binay wanted to bring some notes and documents to the stage during the debate. But it was against the rules. Binay insisted however that five days earlier, he was allowed to do so by the event’s media partner, TV5. Apparently, there had been some sort of miscommunication between the Binay camp and Comelec Chair Luchi Cruz-Valdes.

To be fair to Luchi Cruz-Valdes, she handled the snafu like a pro. She immediately apologized for the mistake and took responsibility for it. Said President Aquino, “Pwede pala ‘yon?!?”

Nancy Binay was spotted outside the venue before the debate started. When quizzed by reporters about the delay, Nancy Binay said she didn’t know what was happening. Among many other things.

After the debate, moderator Luchi Cruz-Valdes requested the candidates to stay for a few minutes because Comelec Chairman Andy Bautista, TV5 CEO Noel Lorenzana, and UP President Alfredo Pascual wanted to congratulate them. Duterte, Poe, and Roxas stayed. But Binay immediately walked out - leaving the stage just as he arrived: like a true diva.

Goebbels
Reacting to the corruption issues raised by Mar Roxas and Grace Poe, Vice President Binay said the two were "disciples of Goebbels," master propagandist of Hitler’s Nazi regime. Just so you know, it was Goebbels who was quoted to have said, "If you tell a Binay big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20215
In case you missed it, here’s the transcript of the most heated portions of the debate.

Binay vs. Poe
Binay: Hindi ka Filipino!

Poe: Hindi ako nangulimbat!

Binay: Grabe ka namang magbintang. Parang na-convict na ako ah!

Poe: Sinabi ko bang ikaw ang nangulimbat? Nagbanggit ba ako ng pangalan?!

Binay: ‘Sensya naman. Akala ko kasi ako ang tinutukoy mo. So sino?

Poe: Tanga! Ikaw nga ‘yon. Helllllo??!! May iba pa ba. #asa

Binay vs Roxas
Roxas: Pati kama at iba pang gamit sa ospital, overpriced sabi ng COA!

Binay: Hindi overpriced ‘yan. We are entitled sa mamahaling gamit. Taga-Makati kami! Sosyalin!

Roxas: Pati building, bawat square meter, overpriced sabi ng COA.

Binay: Paulit-ulit ka ng bintang! Disipulo ka ni Goebbels!

Roxas: Paulit-ulit ka rin ng deny! Spell ‘Goebbels!’

Binay: Huwag mong ibahin ang usapan. Balik tayo sa overpricing.

Duterte vs. Roxas vs. Binay
Duterte: You’re a fraud! Sabi mo graduate ka ng Wharton, hindi ka taga-Wharton!

Roxas: Malinaw na malinaw, Wharton na po ang nagsabi. Nagtapos ako doon.

Binay: Digong, baka naman umattend ‘yan ng seminar sa Wharton. Hihihi

Roxas: Sandali, ito nga pala ang sabi ng COA sa overpriced school building sa Makati.

Binay: Ba’t ba ako nasali d’yan?! Oras mo ‘yan Digong. Go! Kaya mo na ‘yan!

Poe vs. Roxas
Poe: ‘Pag kaalyado, selective justice ang pinaiiral n’yo!

Roxas: Hindi ‘yan totoo! Kaalyado man o hindi, kinakasuhan kapag mali!

Poe: Si Jun Abaya ng DOTC, nasa puwesto pa rin until now kahit napakaraming kapalpakan!

Roxas:

Poe: Si Jun Abaya ng DOTC, nasa puwesto pa rin until now kahit napakaraming kapalpakan!

Roxas: Paulit-ulit? Nasabi mo na ‘di ba?

Duterte vs. Poe
Duterte: Kapag bigla kang ginising isang gabi dahil nagkakaputukan na sa Spratlys, ano ang una mong gagawin?

Poe: Babangon muna siyempre.

Duterte:

Poe:

Duterte: ‘Yan tayo eh. Duterte… 3 points! Hihihi

Roxas vs. Duterte
Duterte: Kung hindi ka handang pumatay o mamatay, hindi ka puwedeng mag-presidente!

Roxas: Mahihirap lang ang pinapatay mo! Wala kang binanggang kriminal o corrupt na mayaman.

Duterte: Ah ganun? Gusto mong pakitaan kita ngayon ng sample? Pwes...

Binay: Hoy Luchi… Luchi! Hindi ka ba aawat? Time is up na yata si Digong!

Poe vs. Binay Part 2
Poe: Suportado natin ang FOI Bill na may ngipin!

Binay: Sus! Kapag ako ang naging pangulo, maglalabas ako ng executive order on Freedom of Information Bill! Gano’n kabilis!

Poe: Agad-agad? Sige nga, kung suportado n’yo ang FOI Bill, nasaan ho sina Ebeng Baloloy at Gerry Limlingan?

Binay: Ang sabi ko, “KAPAG ako ang naging pangulo…” May qualifier! ‘Di ka ba nakikinig!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”
~Albert Einstein

Sound Bites
“Oops, alam mo, we are entitled to buy mamahalin kasi we have the best practice.”
~Vice President Binay on overpriced hospital equipment

“Ang kailangan siyempre bilang presidente ay bumangon agad. Hindi naman pwedeng mamaya na ‘yan, mamayang alas-singko, mamayang alas-sais. Mabilis na babangon ang presidente.”
~Sen. Grace Poe’s answer to Mayor Duterte’s question: Ano ang una mong gagawin kapag, isang gabi, ginising ka at sinabing nagkakaputukan na sa Spratlys?

“Ang hirap sa ‘yo Mar, you are a pretentious leader.”
~Mayor Duterte

“Ang isang ultrasound set na P1.3 million sa bill of particulars nang simulant ang project. Pero ang aktwal na binili n’yo, P8 million!”
~Mar Roxas on anomalous Makati City spending under Binay’s watch

Enjoy your summer break!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


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Leo Beligan
3/28/2016 5:50:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
CIRCUS, COMICS AND OTHER STORIES
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/28/circus-comics-and-other-stories/1binay-5/
SAYING “Forgiveness is the message of Holy Week,” UNA’s Toby Tiangco prayed that critics of Vice President Binay would have a “change of heart.” In response, critics of the Vice President prayed that “his supporters and followers would have a change of mind.”

Survey
Sen. Grace Poe topped the Bilang Pilipino-SWS mobile survey conducted two days after the recent presidential debate in Cebu City. Poe got 35 percent followed by Mayor Duterte with 26 percent. For some reason, the survey results were released in the middle of the night and the first thing that the lady senator did when she was informed about it was to wake up.

Offended
Mayor Duterte admits he hates being compared to US presidential hopeful Donald Trump. The outspoken Trump is a bigot and a known womanizer. Duterte insists, “I’m not like him! I’m not a bigot!”

Batman v Superman
Making a killing at the box office right now is the movie ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.’ To give you an idea about the story, Batman is convinced that Superman has become a threat to humanity. Hence, his attempt to end the Man of Steel’s reign on Earth. The movie’s working title was 'Roxas vs. Duterte.'

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/28/circus-comics-and-other-stories/1roxas/
Life Story
Supporters of Mar Roxas have recently released a comic book chronicling his life as a public servant - including a controversial chapter on the role he played during the onslaught of Typhoon Yolanda in Tacloban City. Critics expect the comic book to top National Book Store’s bestseller list – fiction category.

Life Story II
Supporters of Mar Roxas has turned his life story into a comic book - forcing the presidential hopeful to drop the slogan, “Walang drama. Trabaho lang.”

Life Story III
Supporters of Mar Roxas has turned his life story into a comic book. Not to be outdone, Vice President Binay’s life story has been turned into a Crime/Mystery novel.

Local Elections
The campaign period for the local polls has officially started with candidates making the rounds of their constituencies. Some news reports described Day 1 as "a circus" with political clowns trying hard to entertain the voters. The reports drew outrage from a group of clowns who issued a strongly-worded statement saying they were “very much offended by the comparison.”

Shameless
In Pagbilao, Quezon… this Bonifacio Shrine has virtually disappeared because of the huge campaign posters and tarps of local politicians. Ano kaya ang slogan ng partidong ito?

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/03/28/circus-comics-and-other-stories/1pagbilao-2/
A: “Numero uno sa laban… sa laban ng pakapalan!”
B: “Kung ‘di ka tagarito, ‘wag kang magreklamo!”
C: “Partido ng Matatapang: Kahit si Bonifacio, ‘di uurungan!”
D: “Kanya-kanyang trip lang ‘yan; walang pakialaman.”

[Update: The tarps have been removed last Sunday according to a netizen from Pagbilao.]

Makati Politics
Vice President Binay’s daughter, Abby who served as congresswoman for nine consecutive years is now running for mayor of Makati. Her campaign promise worries some Makati residents though: “Ipagpapatuloy ko ang nasimulan ng aking ama.”

Makati Politics II
For councilor, Abby Binay’s lineup of candidates includes singer Rico J. Puno; dancer and TV host Jhong Hilario, and action star Monsour Del Rosario – in an apparent bid to topple Quezon City as the ‘City of Stars.’

Birthday Boy
On Monday, March 28, two famous persons celebrated their birthdays: Mayor Rodrigo Duterte and pop icon Lady Gaga. Of course, Lady Gaga and Mayor Duterte are different: One is daring and eccentric, and the other is Lady Gaga.

Launched
Diwata-1, the first Philippine-made satellite was recently launched into space. Filipino scientists who worked on the microsatellite is reportedly busy now with a more ambitious and highly-anticipated project: sending politicians into space.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“When one with honeyed words but evil mind
Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state.”
~Euripides, Orestes

Sound Bites
“This was a 15-year old case already. The trial went on for seven years. This has nothing to do whether you’re an LP, this has nothing to do of being in the official family ng Pangulo.”
~Former Bukidnon Rep. Neric Acosta on his graft conviction

Elsewhere
“Will voters then settle for an “inexperienced” but fresh leader, a “vigilante” straight-talking leader, a performing but allegedly “corrupt” leader, a decent leader accused of being pretentious by some, or a sick leader absent in the second debate? Who do you think the millennials will ultimately vote for?”
~Josiah Go, Unmasking presidential candidates

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Binay/Abby Binay: Inquirer.net; Roxas Comics: Lottie Salarda via GMA News; Pagbilao Candidates: Philippine Star]

professionalheckler

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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:40:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
SUPERHERO
by professionalheckler

FROM 2010 to 2015, Quezon City topped the list of cities with the highest number of index crimes such as theft and robbery. Which is understandable since the House of Representatives is located in QC.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/02/superhero/1kimwong/
Returned
Controversial businessman Kim Wong turned over 4.6 million dollars to the Anti-Money Laundering Council for safekeeping. The amount was part of the 81 million dollars stolen by hackers from the Bangladeshi government. Political analysts say, with that behavior, Kim Wong will never make it to either the Senate or Congress.

Returned II
Kim Wong returned the money stolen by hackers from the Bangladeshi government. When asked if they’re willing to do the same, the Marcoses said, “We didn't connive with hackers.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/02/superhero/1bbmcomics/
Superhero
Bongbong Marcos got flak for releasing a comic booklet that portrayed members of his family as victims following the popular People Power revolt in 1986. The comic book also depicted Bongbong as a (caped) super-hero whose powers include the ability to erase Martial Law memories from people’s minds.

According to GMA News Research, when the Marcoses left the country in 1986, they brought with them 22 crates of cash valued at 717 million dollars; 300 crates of assorted jewelry; deposit slips (124 million dollars) to banks in Switzerland, the US, and the Cayman Islands, and a lot more! If that's how Bongbong Marcos defines "victim," I'm willing to be one.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/02/superhero/1jmcdo/
Endorsement
Jollibee Foods Corp. has denied reports that its chairman, Tony Tan Caktiong is endorsing Mayor Rodrigo Duterte. In related news, McDonald’s has denied rumors that one of its mascots, Hamburglar is endorsing Vice President Binay.

Endorsement II
Jollibee Foods Corp. released a statement denying Malaya columnist Rey Arcilla’s claim that the popular food chain’s founder and chairman Tony Tan Caktiong, has endorsed the candidacy of Mayor Duterte. In related news, friends of Rey Arcilla have expressed concern for the columnist’s health when they got word that he was “nakuryente.”

Endorsement III
The controversial Pineda family of Pampanga recently endorsed the candidacy of Mar Roxas. When a reporter asked how it felt to have the backing of influential couple Lilia and Bong Pineda, the LP bet said, “Para akong tumama sa jueteng!”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/02/superhero/1paoloroxas-2/
The Son
Mar Roxas’s son from a previous relationship joined his campaign sortie in Laguna the other day. Twenty-two-year old Paolo Zaldarriaga Roxas who studies at Yale University has been described in news reports as “tall,” “toned,” and “good looking” prompting Mar’s rivals to demand a DNA test.

Tragic
Police opened fire on protesting farmers in North Cotabato Friday killing at least two and leaving dozen others injured. The government was heavily criticized for the violent dispersal. People are angry at the administration. Apparently, the dispersal unit was headed by someone who wanted to see Mar Roxas lose.

The Bout
Senatorial aspirant Manny Pacquiao has a scheduled fight in Las Vegas next week. ‘k.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You can believe in whatsoever you like, but the truth remains the truth, no matter how sweet the lie may taste.”
~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Sound Bites
“(Ang) kasinungalingan at katarantaduhang Bongbong (ay) tuloy-tuloy. This is trademark Bongbong already. ‘Yong revisionism ng kasaysayan; ‘yong pagpapalabas na siya ay bida, at ‘yong pagpapalabas na inapi ang kanilang pamilya.”
~Boni Ilagan, Martial Law victim

No to thieves.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
4/6/2016 8:23:00 PM
#NAIABlackout III
President Aquino: LIMANG ORAS na blackout?! Wala bang warning o notice man lang? Wala bang generator? Wala bang nagawa para maiwasan ang kapalpakang ito?!? Lagi na lang ganyan! Paulit-ulit na lang!

Abaya: BAKIT?!? AKO BA ANG NAG-CAUSE NG BLACKOUT?! GUSTO KO BA ANG NANGYARI?!? FAULT KO BA KUNG DRAINED ANG BATTERIES NG PUNYETANG MGA GENERATOR NA ‘YON?!? AKO BA ANG MANILA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AUTHORITY GENERAL MANAGER?! SAWANG-SAWA NA AKO SA MGA BATIKOS!

President Aquino:

Abaya: Sorry sir. Sobrang init kasi sa labas. Nahawa ako. ‘Sensya naman.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/07/blackout-bayot-borgy-atbp-kwento/1candidates/#Komiks
Roxas: May komiks ako.

Marcos: May komiks din ako.

Roxas: Hero ako noong Yolanda sa komiks ko.

Marcos: Superhero ako ng Pilipinas sa komiks ko.

Roxas: Hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno ang aking pamilya.

Marcos: Ba’t naman napunta dun ang usapan? Balik tayo sa komiks.

#SCDecisionLeak
Poe: Nag-leak na ang Supreme Court decision. Tuloy ang candidacy ko!

Mar: Paano nangyari ‘yon?

Poe: Mabait si Lord.

Binay: Paano kung na-reverse?

Poe: Nag-decide na nga eh. Irrelevant question.

Miriam: Paano kung mali ang leak?

Poe: Reliable ang source namin.

Duterte: Paano kung isang hatinggabing tulog ka eh magkaputukan sa Spratlys?

Poe: Ulol!

#Endorsement
Poe: Ako ang inendorso ni Erap.

Roxas: Ako ang inendorso ng mga Pineda.

Binay: Ako ang inendorso ng mga Ampatuan.

Duterte: Pasensya na. Pero ‘pag ako ang nanalong presidente, patay sa akin ‘yang mga endorsers n’yo!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/07/blackout-bayot-borgy-atbp-kwento/1panama/
#PanamaLeaks
Jinggoy: Basta ako, wala ang pangalan sa #PanamaLeaks na ‘yan. Ewan ko lang sa iba d’yan.

JV Ejercito: Basta ako, walang PLUNDER case. At hindi ako NAKAKULONG! Ewan ko lang sa iba d’yan.

Jinggoy:

JV: O, bakit? Sino ba’ng nauna?

#PanamaLeaks II
Borgy: Ma, the prime minister of Iceland resigned na after ma-expose na meron siyang offshore accounts.

Imee: Borgy, Iceland ‘yan. We’re in the Philippines.

Borgy: But Ma, the perception is we’re a family of thieves and we have offshore accounts.

Imee: That’s not true! We don’t have offshore accounts!

#PacquiaoAttack
(Backgrounder: Manny Pacquiao was verbally attacked by a stranger outside a Japanese restaurant in Las Vegas earlier this week.)
Attacker: Fuck you Pacquiao! Fuck you!

Pacquiao: God bless you.

Attacker: You homophobe!

Pacquiao:

Attacker: YOU HOMOPHOBE!

Pacquiao: Ano ‘yon?

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/07/blackout-bayot-borgy-atbp-kwento/1kimwong-2/
#BangladeshTheft
Jinggoy: Pare, ibinalik pala ni Kim Wong ‘yong ninakaw ng hackers sa gobyerno ng Bangladesh.

Bong: Nabasa ko nga. At pinuri pa siya online. Pogi points. Gawin din kaya natin ‘yon.

Jinggoy: Gago! Wala tayong ninakaw, remember?

Bong:

Jinggoy: Umayos ka.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it.”
~Frédéric Bastiat

Sound Bites
"Si Mar, bayot. Hindi niya kaya. Kaya ko kasi lalaki ako. Hindi ka lalaki Mar, paano 'yan. Takot kang pumatay, takot kang mamatay. Subukan mo ako. Maghawak ka ng shabu sa harap ko, pasabugin ko sa ulo ko. You try holding shabu in my presence. 'Pag 'di kita binaril sa ulo, 'tang-ina mo."
~Mayor Duterte

“I am but a pawn in a highest-stakes chess games played by giants in international banking and high finance.”
~Maia Santos-Deguito, sacked RCBC branch manager

Elsewhere
The Panama Papers leak, explained with an adorable comic about piggy banks
Para madaling maintindihan, read this illustrated article.

Say no to thieves.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/13/2016 1:10:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
QUOTE IN THE ACT
by professionalheckler

HOW updated are you? Time for yet another current events quiz.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/14/quote-in-the-act-2/1cnn/
1: Before he changed his answer to “No,” YES ang unang naging sagot ni Bongbong Marcos sa tanong na ito during the recent vice presidential debate:
A: Naniniwala ka bang kapatid mo si Grace Poe?
B: Ilusyon lang ba ang human rights abuses at kurapsyon noong Martial Law?
C: Nasangkot ka na ba sa anumang uri ng katiwalian?
D: Mauwi kaya sa totohanan ang ligawang Alden at Yaya Dub?

2: Kumpletuhin ang patutsada ni Mayor Duterte kay Mar Roxas sa isang ambush interview: “Subukan mo ako. Maghawak ka ng _________ sa harap ko, pasabugin ko sa ulo mo.”
A: bayot
B: baril
C: bayag
D: shabu

3: Gamit na gamit ng mga kandidato sa kanilang political ads at campaign speeches ang four Ps. Anu-ano ba ang four Ps na ‘yan?
A: Pantawid Pamilyang Pilipino Program
B: Pagkain, Puhunan, Pagmamahal, Pamasahe
C: Pagpatay, Pananakot, Pangha-harass, Put*ng-ina
D: Pagnanakaw, Pananamantala, Paghahari-harian, Pambabalewala

4: Sa nakaraan pa ring vice presidential debate, nagsasalita pa si Alan Peter Cayetano nang biglang sumingit si Bongbong Marcos. Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Cayetano?
A: “Oras ko ‘to. Maghintay ka sa oras mo. Palibhasa, sanay kang lumalabag sa rules.”
B: “Wala namang bastusan. ‘Kita mo namang nagsasalita pa ako, umeepal ka na.”
C: “Can I have my one minute now o pati ‘yon nanakawin mo pa rin?”
D: “Nagmamadali ka ba? May naghihintay na taxi sa labas?”

5: Nang tanungin tungkol sa isyu ng anti-political dynasty bill, ito ang unang lumabas sa bibig ni Gringo Honasan during the vice presidential debate:
A: “Hindi ako sang-ayon sa bill na ‘yan. Taumbayan ang dapat magpasya.”
B: “Hindi pa natin alam ang depinisyon ng dynasty.”
C: “Porke may limang Binay sa pulitika, dynasty na? Unfair naman. Hintayin nating umabot sa 12.”
D: “Hindi kasalanan ng mga tao na isilang silang iisa ang apelyido.”

6: Nang ungkatin ang isyu ng ill-gotten wealth ng mga Marcos at ang posibilidad na pagbabalik nito sa gobyerno, ano ang sinabi ni Bongbong Marcos?
A: “I cannot give what I do not have.”
B: “Wala kaming ninakaw ni singko. Ang 'di maniwala, mamamatay mamayang 8:35.”
C: “Naka-time deposit lahat ‘yon sa Switzerland at hindi sa akin nakapangalan. Wala akong power i-open ang accounts.”
D: “Kaya nga namin ninakaw para pakinabangan. Bakit namin ibabalik? Ano kami, tanga?

7: Ayon kay Vice President Binay, berdugo raw si Mayor Duterte. Sumagot si Digong, “Ikaw Binay, may kaso ka, corruption. Billion. Hindi lang ikaw, pati asawa mo, pati anak mo. Mabuti pa si Imelda o Ferdinand, conjugal. Dalawa lang. Eh kayo, ____________.”
A: Family affair
B: Angkan ng kadiliman
C: Cash of clan
D: Basketball team

8: Sabi ni Kit Tatad, nagkaroon ng secret meeting sina Pangulong Aquino at Grace Poe sa Malacañang noong March 8. Ano ang reaksyon ni presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda sa rebelasyon ni Kit Tatad?
A: “I wish Kit Tatad a long career in fiction writing.”
B: “Kit Tatad who?”
C: “Ipis, daga at lamok na lang ang naniniwala sa taong tulad ni Kit Tatad.”
D: “Imbey!”

9: Sa panayam ng GMA News sa senatorial candidate na si Atty. Larry Gadon, ano ang ibinunyag nitong solusyon sakaling hindi madaan sa matinding pakiusapan ang mga rebeldeng Muslim sa Mindanao?
A: “Isasama ko ang Davao Death Squad ni Mayor Duterte dahil ‘yon lang naman ang kinatatakutan nila eh.”
B: “Lulusubin ko sila at papatayin ko silang lahat. Susunugin ko ang mga bahay nila. Papatayin ko pati mga ipis at daga. Kailangang burahin ang lahi nila!”
C: “Sabik sa mga artista ‘yang mga ‘yan. Dadalhin ko doon ang AlDub, KathNiel, LizQuen, at JaDine para mag-show.”
D: “Bubuhusan ko sila ng truck-truck na karne at dugo ng baboy hanggang sa malunod silang lahat.”

10: Still on the vice presidential debate, huling-huli ng camera ang lalaking ito habang sumisigaw ng “Booo!” kay Antonio Trillanes. Sino siya?

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/14/quote-in-the-act-2/1binay-6/
A: Nasaan?
B: Anong suot?
C: Joke ba ‘to?
D: Clue.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.”
~Kin Hubbard

Sound Bites
“I am excited to win. Not for myself but for my countrymen. Sa aming anim, may the best woman win.”
~Leni Robredo, Closing statement, vice presidential debate

Answers:
1: C

2: D

3: B

4: A

5: C

6: B

7: A

8: D

9: A

10: All of the above

Scores:
9-10: Aware ka sa nangyayari sa kapaligiran mo. May pakialam ka. Dahil d’yan, positibo ang mangyayari sa love life mo sa mga susunod na araw.

7-8: Pwede na. Konting basa pa.

5-6: Ang lakas ng tsamba.

5 and below: What sorcery is this? Where have you been? Magpapayat ka nga.

Vote wisely. No to thieves!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

professionalheckler | AMpThu, 14 Apr 2016 00:17:02 +000017Thursday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p04 | Tags: alan cayetano vs. bongbong marcos, binay magnanakaw vs. duterte berdugo, gringo honasan political dynasty, kit tatad vs. grace poe, larry gadon vs muslims, philippine elections 2014, political humor professional heckler | Categories: 2016 elections | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5gV


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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:16:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
LAGLAGAN NA!
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/23/laglagan-na/1d30-2/
Duterte and Endorsements
Duterte: O, inendorso raw ako ni Pope Francis.

Supporter: Joke lang ‘yon sir. Kami lang ang nagpakalat n’yan.

Duterte: O, inendorso raw ako nina Liza Soberano at Andi Eigenmann.

Supporter: Sorry sir, joke lang. Kami lang din ang nagpakalat n’yan.

Duterte: Eh ‘yong Singapore government, inendorso rin daw ako.

Supporter: Pati ‘yan sir, joke lang.

Duterte: Put*ng-ina! Puro kayo joke, joke, joke! Saan n’yo na ba natutunan ‘yan?!?

Supporter:

Duterte: Tangnamu! Alam ko ang iniisip mo! Gago!

Duterte and Diplomacy
Supporter: Sir, nagalit ang Australia sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Pwes, puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa Australia!

Supporter: Sir, nagalit din ang USA sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa Amerika!

Supporter: Sir, nagalit ang mga kababaihan sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa mga babae!

Supporter:

Duterte: Joooooke! Babae ‘yan ‘no! Sayang. Dapat mauna ang mayor.

Psych Tests
VP Binay: Siraulo ka! ‘Yan ang laman ng psychological test mo!!!!!!

Duterte: Itinanggi ko ba? Gago. Pag ikaw ang nag-psych test, makikita dun, magnanakaw ka.

VP Binay: Tanga. Hindi makikita dun kung magnanakaw ako.

Duterte: Eh saan?

VP Binay: Sa dummy bank accounts.

Duterte:

VP Binay: Jooooke! Akala mo ikaw lang ang marunong mag-joke? Wala akong dummy accounts ‘no! At lalong hindi ako nagnakaw!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/23/laglagan-na/1kriss-2/
Kris Aquino and the Chopper
Reporter: Sir, binabatikos si Kris ngayon dahil sa pagsakay sa presidential chopper patungo sa kampanya ng LP. Pag-abuso daw ‘yun sa government resources.

President Aquino: Well, isa siya sa may pinakamalaking binayarang buwis sa government.

Reporter: ‘Yan talaga Sir ang reply n’yo? Na malaki ang binabayaran n’yang buwis kaya ok lang? Anong lohika ‘yan? Bakit ganyan kayo mag-isip? Sino bang adviser n’yo? Lagi na lang bang ganyan ang klase ng inyong pangangatwiran? Ano bang uri ng lider kayo?

President Aquino:

Reporter: Noted Sir.

Kris Aquino and the Chopper II
Kris: I hate them na. They’re saying we’re making abuso the resources of government.

President Aquino: ‘Wag mo na lang kasing pansinin.

Kris: But they’re right naman ‘di ba? Part ng government resources ang chopper.

President Aquino:

Kris: Fine. I’ll ignore them na lang!

Kris Aquino and the Chopper III
Kris: Grabehhh. They’re making batikos me na. Ayaw akong tigilan. Hurt ako. Defend me naman o!

President Aquino: Ayaw mo ba no’n? Nasa ‘yo ang atensyon ng tao.

Kris:

President Aquino: Heto na nga, magsasalita na!

Kris Aquino and the Chopper IV
Bongbong Marcos: Maling gamitin ang resources ng gobyerno katulad ng presidential chopper sa pansariling interes.

Kris: Nakakaloka! Of all people, ikaw pa talaga?! IKAW PA TALAGA?!

Bongbong: But it’s true.

Kris: Eh anong tawag sa ginawa ng pamilya mo sa resources ng gobyerno noong term ng ama mo?

Bongbong: Those were government resources, yes. Pero back then, we practically owned everything in the Philippines including the government. So, amin lahat ‘yun.

Kris:

Bongbong: But it’s true!

Laglagan
VP Binay: Totoo bang iiwan mo na ako?

Jonvic Remulla: Gusto ko lang magpahinga muna sa kampanya. I’m tired.

Binay: Ang tsismis, ilalaglag mo na raw ako at lilipat ka sa bago mong idol - si Duterte?

Remulla: Bagong idol? Wala kayong pruweba! Putang-i*a!!!

Binay:

Remulla: Ooops. Buking.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/23/laglagan-na/1joey/
Laglagan II
Governor Salceda: Mr. President, hindi ko na kayang suportahan si Mar! Lilipat na ako kay Grace Poe!

President Aquino: Eh ‘di lumipat ka! Ganyan ka naman talaga ‘di ba? Kung kailan lugmok ang kapartido, saka ka mang-iiwan! Kung kailan mahina sa survey, saka mo ilalaglag. Ganyang-ganyan din ang ginawa mo kay Gilbert Teodoro noong 2010 ‘di ba?! Matapos mong i-endorso, inabandona mo!

Salceda: Eh sa LP naman ako lumipat noon ‘di ba! Gaga!

President Aquino:

Salceda: Sorry sir. Expression lang 'yon. It doesn’t mean anything. 'Wag judgmental.

Laglagan II
Governor Salceda: Mr. President…

President Aquino: I know. Mababa si Mar sa survey at mas may chance manalo si Grace Poe kaya lilipat ka sa kanya. Magre-resign ka sa party. Pero grateful ka pa rin sa pagkakataong ibinigay ko sa ‘yo na maglingkod sa pamahalaan bilang member ng LP. At kahit ano pang mangyari, hinding-hindi maaapektuhan ng pulitika ang ating pagkakaibigan.

Salceda: Alam mo na pala eh! Eh ‘di sige, ikaw na! Tapusin mo na! Go! Ikaw na rin ang mag-resign sa partido at ikaw na rin ang lumipat kay Grace Poe! Go ahead! GOOOO!

President Aquino:

Salceda: ‘Wag kasing ganun Sir. Hate ko ‘yong pini-preempt ako eh.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“You have to quit confusing a madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O'Connor, The Violent Bear it Away

Sound Bites
“Iyong isa doon, classmate ko pa. Eh na-stroke, paganoon-ganoon (mimics). Gusto ko sabihin, ‘Pakamatay ka na lang.’”
~Mayor Duterte on a disabled classmate

“Hindi ko rin nakita kung ano 'yung pinuna nila. Tanong ko lang: siguro batid naman ng lahat na isa siya sa pinakamalaking individual taxpayer.”
~President Aquino on criticisms being hurled at Kris Aquino

“The bottomline, ‘pag nand’yan sa internet, nandyan na ‘yan forever o kung may nag-download, at marami nang nag-download malamang, kalat na ‘yan sa internet. There's no way you can put the (proverbial) toothpaste back into the tube.”
~Engr. Pierre Galla, Democracy.net.ph. on the Comelec voters’ data leak

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philstar.com; Kris Aquino: Municipality of Dalaguete; Joey Salceda: Inquirer.net]

professionalheckler | AMpSat, 23 Apr 2016 09:01:32 +000001Saturday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p04 | Tags: balimbing eleksyon, comelec leak

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Leo Beligan
4/27/2016 9:29:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
BIAS
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/27/bias/sws-3/
DESPITE HIS tasteless comment about rape, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte’s popularity continues to surge based on the recent pre-election surveys. He is No. 1 in the Pulse Asia poll and he is No. 1 in the SWS survey – which explains his latest campaign slogan and mantra: Si Mayor dapat ang mauna!

Loser
Vice President Binay was the biggest loser in the April 18-20 SWS survey dropping to fourth place with 14 percent - down 6 points from 20 percent in the March 30-April 2 survey. Analysts say this thing is kinda new to the Binays because “nasanay silang laging mataas ang porsiyento.”

Alarmed by his slide in the recent SWS survey, the Vice President has reportedly doubled his efforts in the campaign trail. When asked if Binay still has time to sleep, a loyal aide replied, “Panakaw na tulog na lang.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/27/bias/1pdup/
“Bias”
To fuel anti-Mar Roxas and anti-ABS-CBN sentiments, someone edited a clip from the recent presidential debate to make it appear that ABS-CBN favored Mar Roxas by giving him the questions in advance. It has since been exposed as a hoax. But the people behind the video have succeeded. Statistics showed the edited clip was shared and reposted by netizens who were 50 percent anti-Mar and 50 percent gullible.

Critics say Mar Roxas performed well in the last presidential debate only because questions were “leaked” to him by ABS-CBN. Angry netizens ranted: “Bias ang ABS-CBN!” “Lokohan ang debate na ‘yan. Bias talaga!” “Sobrang bias ng media!” “Halatang-halatang bias si Karen Davila.” Those people were really angry but Grammar Nazis were angrier.

Winning
Manny Pacquiao placed third in the latest Social Weather Stations senatorial survey. A surprised Pacquiao thanked his family, his supporters and Timothy Bradley.

Losing
In the latest SWS survey, Alma Moreno failed to enter the Magic 12. She was No. 23. To be fair, she has been praying really hard - and every time she prays, God has an answer: No.

New Pollster
There’s a new pollster in town and it has released the results of its presidential poll. In the April 12-18 survey conducted by D’ Strafford Research & Strategies Inc., Mar Roxas emerged as the top choice of respondents. The question asked was, “Kung gaganapin ang eleksyon ngayon at si Mar Roxas lamang ang kandidato sa pagkapangulo, sino ang iboboto mo?”

Many people doubted the results of the presidential survey conducted by D’ Strafford Research & Strategies Inc. Some of the questions raised include the following: Who commissioned the survey? How reliable was the method used? AND Why would you name your research firm with a D’?

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/04/27/bias/sws-4/
Kris Being Kris
Under fire for using the presidential chopper during an LP campaign sortie, Kris Aquino had an answer to her critics. On Instagram, she posted the amount of income tax she paid for the last 8 years. It totaled more than 322 million pesos. Which only proved that even if you’re earning THAT much, you can’t buy logic.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true.”
~Demosthenes

Sound Bites
“When I started, at least in the first few months, it seemed so impossible to catch up. But now, it’s happening.”
~Congw. Leni Robredo

No to thieves!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: SWS: Inquirer.net; Kris Aquino's IG]

professionalheckler | PMpWed, 27 Apr 2016 13:39:51 +000039Wednesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p04 | Tags: abs-cbn biased debate, abs-cbn vs. duterte fanatics, alma moreno prayers dasal lang, kris aquino income tax chopper, manny pacquiao sws survey, mar roxas leak abs-cbn, pilipinas debates 2016, presidentiable debates 2016, professional heckler political humor, vice president binay sws biggest loser | Categories: 2016 philippine elections | URL: http://wp.me/s4c4v-bias
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Leo Beligan
5/2/2016 6:06:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
I. CAN’T. EVEN.
by professionalheckler

ONLINE discussions on the upcoming elections have become so intense that some people can no longer control their emotions. In expressing their opinions though, some netizens have become unreasonable. ‘Yong iba, mema lang.

Here are 10 of the most cringe-worthy posts on social media recently.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20336
Nagulat si Danding! Pag-aari na pala niya ang BPI, ‘di man lang siya na-inform.
(Pati last name niya, nabago na rin pala. #casttle)

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20337
“Akala ng admin na 'yan, bobo ang mga kabataan ngayon.”
Eh sino si Flavian Vher.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20338
Maikunek lang.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20339
Makapagyabang lang.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20340
Makapal daw ang mukha, mukhang mangkukulam at dapat magpaayos ng ngipin si Melai. Ang daming sinabi. ‘Di ba pwedeng “pangit” na lang? Judgmental!

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20341
"Lahat kami na somusuporta, ay magclose account sa BPI."
Lahat talaga? Pati 'yong walang account?

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20342

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20353
Ireklamo n’yo na rin ang pinya, saging, sunflower, dilaw ng itlog, mangga, kasuy, santol, school bus, si Yellow 4 ng Bioman at ‘yong Lakers kasi “bias” din sila!

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20349
Ano raw?

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20344
Biased*

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20345
Hay naku GMA News Online! "Bias" kayo! "BIAS!"
(Anong pautot ‘yan?!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“I have been a subject of cyberbullying. The memes are actually hilarious in their stupidity which is something to be sad about because they are symptoms of a deeper problem in our society.”
~Investigative Ellen Tordesillas on rabid Duterte supporters

Think before you vote.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
5/10/2016 7:28:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
ALARMING, SUSPICIOUS TREND
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/11/alarming-suspicious-trend/1ddd/
THE PEOPLE have spoken. Mayor Rodrigo Duterte will be our next president. He leads his rivals by a wide margin according to PPCRV’s quick count. Let’s respect the will of the people and allow the new president to effect change in our country and on the behavior of his most rabid supporters, hopefully.

Congratulations to some of the people behind the successful election campaign of Mayor Duterte: Carlos Dominguez, Peter Laviña, Butch Ramirez, and online political strategist, Mocha Uson.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/11/alarming-suspicious-trend/1bbmgma/
The VP Race
When the quick count for vice president showed that Cong. Leni Robredo has overtaken Sen. Bongbong Marcos, the Marcos camp accused Robredo and the administration of cheating. They haven’t shown any proof of cheating but they sounded so sure because, you know, they’re experts on the subject.

The PPCRV says there’s no reason to terminate their election quick count. Earlier, Bongbong Marcos called for a stop to the quick count citing an “alarming and suspicious trend.” This “alarming and suspicious trend” was later identified as ‘bitterness.’

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/11/alarming-suspicious-trend/1sandro-2/
Alarming
On Twitter, City University London student Sandro Marcos, son of Bongbong Marcos accused the administration of cheating because the total number of votes for president and vice president were not identical. Apparently, for the young Marcos, the tally for both president and vice president must match. Political observers describe Sandro as young, brave, and a complete waste of our taxes.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/11/alarming-suspicious-trend/1missingvotes/
Alarming, Too
Marcos loyalists and supporters have been posting and sharing images that questioned the tally for vice president. They computed the difference between the votes for president and vice president and concluded that those votes were “missing.” Experts call this mindset the ‘Sandro Marcos Syndrome.’

Mistake
In Laoag City, Bureau of Election Inspectors said Sandro Ferdinand Marcos, son of vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos committed a mistake when he voted for two candidates for president. This voting error and that tweet reflect an “alarming trend.”

Last Monday, Sandro Ferdinand Marcos made a mistake when he voted for two presidents. To be fair, that was nothing compared to the mistake committed by Filipinos when they voted for his father to be the country’s vice president.

According to an Inquirer report, when Sandro Marcos was asked by the media about the “mistake,” the City University London student DENIED that he encountered problems with his ballot. And Bongbong Marcos was like, “Anak nga kita.”

Roxas, Poe Concede
After conceding to Mayor Duterte, the first thing that Mar Roxas did Tuesday afternoon was to eat a hamburger in a burger joint along Katipunan Avenue. In a press conference the night before, Sen. Grace Poe also conceded. The first thing that she did after conceding was to stand up and leave her chair.

Confident
After voting on Monday morning, Vice President Binay announced that he has drafted his victory speech. Binay is confident he will emerge victorious… against Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

After voting in San Antonio High School in Makati City, Vice President Binay, who has not tasted defeat in an election, said he would remain undefeated after Monday’s polls. In Makati.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/11/alarming-suspicious-trend/1abby-2/
30 Years and Counting
Abby Binay has won as mayor of Makati. She is the fourth member of the Binay family to hold that position since 1986 after her father, her mother, and her brother, Junjun. To be fair, siblings Nancy, Junjun and Abby Binay are willing to let others occupy the highest post in the city. But their children are still too young for that.

Close
The race for vice president between Sen. Bongbong Marcos and Cong. Leni Robredo is neck-and-neck. Meanwhile, the battle for the No. 1 position in the senatorial race between Joel Villanueva and Sen. Frank Drilon is also neck-and- , I mean, tight.

Pacquiao
Pacquiao started at No. 9 in the PPCRV quick count. He’s now at No. 7. Talk about an alarming trend.

More than 15 million Filipinos voted for Manny Pacquiao, the Lower House's top absentee, to become senator. Who among you, dear readers, voted for him? Please raise your right hand. Then slap yourself.

Winning, Finally
Women's rights advocate Risa Hontiveros is currently in 8th place in the race for senator. This is her third attempt. To prepare for this, she consulted her family, some women’s groups, and Pia Wurtzbach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You can never achieve greatness until you can leave bitterness behind.”
~Debasish Mridha

Sound Bites
“Let me tell you: this is not a time for tears. For our country, we have had a peaceful successful transfer of power. It’s not about me. It’s not about anyone. It’s about how we love our country and how we’ll do all that we can can for her. She’s the only one.”
~Sec. Mar Roxas

"Kagabi, inihanda ko na ang victory speech namin dahil sa palagay ko, tulad ng nakita ninyo, na mga kasama kong nag-ikot ikot ay talagang mananalo tayo.”
~Vice President Binay

#LabanLeni

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:19:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
PRESUMPTIVE
by professionalheckler

IMELDA MARCOS with son Bongbong & family, and daughter Imee heard mass at the Baclaran Church last Sunday. The mass was not even finished yet when people inside the church started crowding the members of the former First Family and began taking photos – mostly, stolen shots. Those people just got even.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/17/presumptive/1marcoss/
Mass II
Imelda Marcos and family attended church last Sunday. Reports say the Marcoses offered mass for “truth in the elections.” In totally unrelated news, Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner attended church last Sunday and offered mass for decency in newspapers.

Mass III
Bongbong Marcos heard mass with his mom, sister, and family last Sunday. His controversial son, Sandro Ferdinand was also there. When Sandro entered the church, he wondered why the number of people seated on the left side and right side of the church did not match.

Mass IV
Imelda Marcos’s nephew, Leyte 1st district Rep. Ferdinand Martin Romualdez attended mass too. Romualdez was the biggest spender among senatorial candidates in the last election. For TV ads alone, he shelled out more than 538 million pesos. Or as Romualdez calls it, “Maliit na bagay.”

Education
Reports say Sandro Marcos will soon return to London to study. He badly needs it.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/11/alarming-suspicious-trend/1ddd/Plans
Rodrigo Duterte will ask Congress to revive the death penalty. But the presumprive president told the press he preferred execution by public hanging. Which, is more acceptable than his other option, the Davao Death Squad.

Presumptive president Rody Duterte said he would urge Congress to revive capital punishment – by hanging. He made the statement last Monday just minutes after watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones.

Karaoke Ban
In a press conference Monday, presumptive president Rodrigo Duterte talked about banning karaoke in public places after 10PM. Duterte also plans to ban the following songs: ‘I’ll Be,’ ‘Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang,’ ‘Wherever You Will Go,’ ‘Crazy For You,’ ‘I Will Survive’ and ‘Basang-basa Sa Ulan.’

Communists
Presumptive president Rodrigo Duterte has offered four cabinet posts to the Communist Party of the Philippines. Looks like Makabayan will be the new Akbayan.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/17/presumptive/1lenn/
VP Race
Citing publicly available Comelec data, leading vice presidential candidate Leni Robredo claimed victory last Sunday. The announcement irked Bongbong Marcos, the presumptive loser.

Appearing exclusively on CNN Philippines, Bongbong Marcos claimed, “I have won.” This is coming from the guy who claimed he earned a degree from Oxford University.

ER
ER Ejercito lost his bid for governor of Laguna. That’s bad news for him - and even worse for moviegoers.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/17/presumptive/1grrappler/
A First
Filipinos have elected the country’s first transgender lawmaker: Geraldine Roman of Bataan. I would like to believe Filipino voters have matured. Just don’t mention anything about Manny Pacquiao, the senator.

Sure Winner
Senatorial candidate Manny Pacquiao will soon be declared as a winner. If, for any reason, the winner fails to fulfill his duties and responsibilities, don’t tell me we didn’t warn you.

Manny Pacquiao has won as senator. He is expected to continue the legacy of Lito Lapid.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/17/presumptive/1nasa/
New Planets
NASA has reportedly spotted 1,284 new planets including nine that are “potentially habitable.” This is good news for Filipinos in case the Duterte government fails.
______________________________________________________________________________
“One of the first businesses of a sensible man is to know when he is beaten, and to leave off fighting at once.”
~Samuel Butler

Sound Bites
"Do not destroy my country because I will kill you. I will kill you. No middle ground. As long as the requirements of the law are there, if you try to evade arrest, refuse arrest... and you put up a good fight or resist violently, I will say: 'Kill them'."
~Presumptive president Rodrigo Duterte

Be humane.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: Marcoses: GMA Network; Duterte: Asia Pacific.anu.edu; Geraldine Roman: Rappler; NASA)

professionalheckler | AMpTue, 17 May 2016 08:56:26 +000056Tuesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p05 | Tags: bongbong marcos vs. leni robredo, ER ejercito loser, imelda marcos baclaran church, manny pacquiao and geraldine roman transgender, martin romualdez biggest spender loser, mayor duterte death penalty hanging, mayor duterte karaoke ban, nasa new planets, presumptive president duterte death penalty, professional heckler political humor, sandro marcos | Categories: 2016 philippine elections | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5iV
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Leo Beligan
5/19/2016 8:03:00 PM
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/20/biblical/1pacproc/
THE COMMISSION on Elections has proclaimed the 12 newly-elected senators. Thirteenth place finisher Francis Tolentino, who asked the Supreme Court to stop the proclamation of the 10th, 11th and 12th place winners, failed to secure a TRO. Instead, the justices sent him a book called, “101 Ways to Move On.”

Pacquiao
Manny Pacquiao is now a senator. He was elected by 16,050,546 Filipinos. Observers say Pacquiao’s win brings him closer to the presidency. Some netizens howled, “Filipinos are not that dumb to make him president.” Believe me, they are.

Death Penalty
Senator-elect Manny Pacquiao, who is anti-RH Law, supports the restoration of the death penalty because "it's Biblical." He’s the first Filipino lawmaker in history to be pro-life and pro-death at the same time.

Rio Olympics
When asked if he would compete in the Rio Olympics, Pacquiao said, “I’ll let the people decide.” When asked if they wanted Pacquiao to go back to boxing, the people replied, “He should have just stayed there.”

Education
After being proclaimed as senator, Manny Pacquiao told the media he would push for better education for Filipinos. Which is essential if we want to prevent candidates like him from being voted again to the Senate.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/20/biblical/1delimadwiz/
Deserving
Former justice secretary Leila De Lima has been elected senator of the republic. The feisty lawyer got 14.14 million non-Iglesia Ni Cristo votes. Congratulations!

Defector
In 2010, the hardworking governor of Albay, Joey Salceda abandoned Gilbert Teodoro and defected to the Liberal Party. Last elections, he junked Liberal Party standard bearer Mar Roxas and defected to the camp of Sen. Grace Poe. Earlier this week, Salceda defected yet again, this time to the side of President-elect Rodrigo Duterte. There’s no doubt as to his competence as a local government official but if Martians would invade the Earth, Salceda would probably be the first person to defect to them.

Oldest
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte is the country’s oldest and the first septuagenarian president. In comparison, President Aquino is the youngest president to be elected who looks like a septuagenarian.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/20/biblical/1mvinquirer/
Choices
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte is planning to appoint Mark Villar, son of real estate magnate and former senator Manuel Villar, as DPWH secretary. In other news, Imelda Marcos is hoping to be appointed as head of the PCGG and Kim Wong expects to be offered the chairmanship of the Anti-Money Laundering Council.

Annabelle
Loquacious talent manager Annabelle Rama, who is friends with President-elect Rodrigo Duterte, was one of hundreds of well-wishers who visited Mayor Digong in Davao City last week. Rama says she is not interested in any government post. To which, “any government post” replied, “The feeling is mutual.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all.”
~John F. Kennedy

Briefly Noted
Jake Joson a.k.a. Pambansang Anino was present during Pacquiao's proclamation as senator
http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/20/biblical/1jakejoson/

Sound Bites: Manny Pacquiao
On capital punishment
“Biblical ang death penalty. Basahin nila sa Romans 13 nandoon ‘yan, pabor ako diyan.”
~Sen. Manny Pacquiao

On attending Senate sessions and avoiding absences
“As a Christian, hindi yata tama ang mangako ka. Gagawin natin lahat ng ating makakaya.”

SMH.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever
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Leo Beligan
5/27/2016 8:21:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
PRESIDENT-ELECT D*&%!^3 – EXCLUSIVE!
by professionalheckler

PRESIDENT-ELECT Rodrigo Duterte granted this blogger an exclusive interview but questions were pre-screened by his staff. Here’s the unedited transcript.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/27/president-elect-d3-exclusive/1dabs/
Good evening Sir! President ho ba o mayor ang itatawag ko sa inyo?

Aba, iwan ko sa ‘yo. Pati ba naman ‘yan prublimahin ko pa?

Sige po. Unang tanong ko ho sa inyo: ano ang

Unang tanong? ‘Di ba nagtanong ka na kanina? Pangalawa na ‘yan. ‘Di ka marunong magbilang.

Sorry po. Diretso na ho tayo. Nakakailang ‘putang-ina’ ho kayo sa loob isang linggo?

Dipindi. Pag nanood ako sa news tapos nakita ko ang CBCP, “putang-ina!” ‘Pag nakita ko si De Lima, “putang-ina!” ‘Pag natrapik ako, “putang-ina.” ‘Pag nakarinig ako ng balita sa druga, “putang-ina!” More or less, mga labinlimang putang-ina every week.

Marami ho ba ‘yon o konti lang?

Kunti pa ‘yun. In fact, mas marami bago mag-eleksyon. Kasi, sabi ng advisers ko, “You speak the language of the masses para maka-relate sila sa ‘yo.” Eh ‘di yun nga ng ginawa ko, nag-putang-ina ako sa interview, nag-putang-ina ako sa campaign, nag-putang ina ako sa social media. Natuwa naman ako kasi bintang-binta nga sa tao. Ang lakas ng palakpak. Haha Kaya pasalamat ako sa advisers ko. Ang uutak nila, putang-ina!

Marami ho ang tutol sa pagpapalibing kay Marcos sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

So anong problima mo? Marcos might not really be a hero, I accept that proposition, maybe. But certainly he was a soldier.

Tama ho. Sundalo siya. Pero ang tawag, ‘Libingan ng mga BAYANI.’ Nabago na ho ba?

Putang-ina namimilosopo ka pa. MY DECISION IS FINAL. Magpakamatay ako sa desisyon ko na ‘yan, panindigan ko.

Nagbabasa ba kayo ng Bible?

Before. Noong nasa Ateneo pa ako.

Hindi na po ngayon?

Sabi ko, ‘before.’ Hindi mo naintindihan ang before?

Before. Hehe Ano po ang favorite n’yong story sa Bible?

Isa lang. Nang patayin ni God ang mga drug pusher, drug addict, magnanakaw at iba pang masasamang tao sa mundo. Wala nang kulong-kulong o kaya trial-trial. Patay agad! Sabi ko, paglaki ko, gagayahin ko si God. So far, so good. Natupad naman ang dream ko.

Meron ho ba kayong favorite book sa Bible?

Marami. Genesis. 1 Corinthians, 1 Samuel, 2 Timothy, 2 Fast, 2 Furious.

Hindi ho book sa Bible ‘yan. Pelikula ho ‘yan.

Pelikula ba ‘yun? Nabago na pala?

Before.

Yawa!

Kung kayo raw ang masusunod, mas gusto n’yo ang tatlong anak lang?

Oo. Kasi mahirap kapag marami ang anak mo. Tapos wala kang ipakain? Patay kang bata ka.

Eh ba’t kayo ho, apat na ang anak.

Di mo kasi nakuha boy! Tatlo ang anak ko sa aking unang asawa. Ok na ‘yun. Dito sa pangalawa, isa pa lang. So allowed pa ako ng two more. Bobo ka rin ‘no?

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/05/27/president-elect-d3-exclusive/1mv-2/
Si Baste ho, dalawa na ang anak sa magkaibang babae. Wala pa ring asawa. Ok ba sa inyo ‘yun?

Anong magawa ko? Mana sa akin eh. Guwapo. Pero sabi ko nga sa kanya, ‘wag ka nang magpatol sa social media. Kasi ang dami d’yan sa Twitter, sa Facebook, sa Instagram, gustong paanak sa kanya. Itong mga millennials talaga, tatanga-tanga. Mali-mali naman ang grammar. Tang-ina.

Kasama pala sa security detail n’yo ang Filipino-Romanian policewoman na dating Miss Earth Philippines candidate. Ang ganda nun! Sinadya ho ba ‘yun?

Let me explain bago kayo mag-conclude mga putang-ina n’yo. Wala akong kinalaman sa assignment ng security ko. Sila ang pumili n’yan. Kaya kung nakikinig ka ngayon Lourd De Veyra…

Teka, bakit ho nadamay si Lourd?

Eh kasi sa Facebook, ipinost niya ang news tungkol sa magandang pulis na babantay sa akin, ‘tapos ang sabi niya, hashtag #AlamNaThis! Tangina mo. Hashtag buwang ka! Pastilan!

Pag-usapan ho natin ang inauguration n’yo. Limang minuto lang daw ang speech n’yo?

Totoo ‘yan. ‘Di naman kailangang mahaba eh. Ma-bore man ang audience ko. Sabihin ko lang dun ang mga gusto kong patayin at buhayin sa next six years, ok na ‘yun.

Excited na ba kayo sa oath taking?

Siyempre naman. At baguhin ko rin ang lines sa oath taking ko. Paigsiin ko rin para mas mabilis. Sabihin ko lang, “I, Rodrigo Roa Duterte, do solemnly swear.” Swear talaga? Putang-ina. Sakto. So help me God. Thank you!

Isyung showbiz naman ho tayo para maiba. Sabi sa news, nag-split na raw sina Enchong Dee at ang girlfriend niya. Bilang isang ama, ano pong maipapayo n’yo sa kanila?

Split? Saan sila nag-split? Sa sahig?

Hindi ho! Split. Meaning, break na sila.

Ahhhhhhh. Gago ka! Hindi mo agad nilinaw. Baka ma-bash ako ng fans ni Enchong. Ayaw kong makialam sa kanya. Pirsunal nila ‘yun. Ipakilala ko na lang siya kay Baste. Matuwa pa siya.

Si Enchong ho?

Bobo! ‘Yung babae. Sabi mo break na sila? Eh ‘di yung babae. Ipahamak mo pa ako gago!

Totoo ho bang may itinatago kayong sakit?

Hindi totoo ‘yan! Kung sinuman ang nagpakalat ng tsismis na may sakit ako, may cancer ako, o may lupus ako, dadapuan siya ng karma. Mamamatay siya mamayang 9:46 ng gabi.

Saktong oras talaga? Last na po Sir. Sabi ho n’yo mawawala na ang pagmumura n’yo kapag naproklama na kayo bilang pangulo. Hindi kaya ‘yan ang ikamatay n’yo?

Posible. Kaya hangga’t may time pa, lulubus-lubusin ko na. Putang-ina mo. Putang-ina n’yo! Thank you!

Maraming salamat Mr. President. ‘Ina mo rin!

Gago!

--End--
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Class is knowing what to say, when to say and when to stop.”
~Anonymous

Inaugural
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte says his inaugural speech won’t last more than 5 minutes. He’ll just spend the rest of the inaugural ceremony killing time.

Mayor Duterte says his inauguration will be very simple. Only finger food will be served at noontime and eating will not be allowed after that. That’s the reason why Sen. Franklin Drilon is not attending the event.

Sound Bites
“Kasali ‘yun sa buhay ko. Kapag nawala ang mura ko, patay na ako ibig sabihin. Ganon ang lenggwahe ko. That is my universal identity.”
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte

Fine.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: ABS-CBN News; Baste: MindaVote2016]

professionalheckler | PMpFri, 27 May 2016 13:52:39 +000052Friday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p05 | Tags: duterte and enchong dee, duterte and sebastian duterte, president duterte professional heckler, professional heckler political humor | Categories: 2016 elections, 2016 philippine elections | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5jR


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Leo Beligan
6/2/2016 9:22:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
OUT OF CONTEXT
by professionalheckler

"Just because you're a journalist doesn't mean you're exempted from assassination if you are a son of a bitch.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/03/out-of-context/1ericdecastroreuters/
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s controversial statement on the killing of corrupt journalists sparked outrage recently. Incoming presidential spokesperson Salvado Panelo, defense lawyer of the Ampatuans, said the media who “took Duterte out of context” must be more “discerning” about the foul-mouthed mayor’s statements. Panelo stressed, “Duterte is against all ILLEGAL killings.” The Davao Death Squad couldn’t stop laughing.

The president-elect’s spokesman during the campaign, Peter Laviña said Duterte was “taken out of context” by the media. Everytime Duterte’s controversial statements get flak, Laviña would correct those who “misinterpret” his statements - fueling speculations he’ll soon be appointed director of the Bureau of Corrections.

When a reporter covering his press conference insisted that bad journalism was not an excuse for murder, President-elect Duterte replied, “You have to debate with the killer, not me.” In other news, the Ampatuans just announced they have found a new lawyer.

Scenarios
A: Sexy Time
Duterte: Darling, sobrang lamig ng aircon. Naka-kamison ka. Naka-brief lang ako. Patay na ang ilaw. Alam mo na!

Woman: Grabe ka naman darling. Kagabi lang at kaninang umaga, nagtalik tayo ah. ‘Di ka ba napapagod?

Duterte: Huh?! Na-misinterpret mo na naman ako darling! Wala akong sinabing magtatalik tayo! ‘Tang ina! Matulog na nga tayo!

B: The Bodyguard
Duterte: O, Bogart. Iniwanan ka na naman pala ng girlfriend mo. Siguro ikaw talaga ang problema. Alam mo ba ‘yong Viagra?

Bodyguard: Sir, bente-siyete anyos lang ako. Hindi ko problema ang pagtayo ng ari ko.

Duterte: Bakit?! May sinabi ba akong may problema ka sa ari mo? Nagtanong lang ako dahil wala akong alam tungkol sa Viagra! Out of context ka, gago!

C: Bongbong
Duterte: Wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo dahil malaki ang paggalang ko sa ‘yo. We’re friends.

Bongbong Marcos: Salamat Mayor. Ano bang balak mong ibigay na puwesto sa akin after ng one-year ban sa mga natalong kandidato?

Duterte: May sinabi ba akong bibigyan kita ng puwesto? Ang sabi ko lang wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo. ‘Wag mo akong i-misinterpret. Sira ulo!

Change Is Coming
Trash-talking Mayor Duterte promises "metamorphosis" once he is sworn into office. Change will come he says. For example, he'll lessen his "Putang inas" to 20 per week from the usual 50.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/03/out-of-context/1pastor/
Saycon
Political operator Pastor Boy Saycon who was claiming election fraud tried to stop the proclamation of President-elect Rodrigo Duterte and Vice President-elect Leni Robredo last Monday. He failed! But Saycon was so funny, he was given three minutes by Congress to do stand up comedy.

Pastor Boy Saycon accuses the Liberal Party of rigging the elections in Quezon Province. His three witnesses, all Iglesia Ni Cristo members, claimed 500,000 votes were shaved from Bongbong Marcos and added to the votes of Leni Robredo. But official results showed Robredo only got a total of 385,164 votes in the province. Congress told Saycon and his INC witnesses to return some other day but advised them to exert more effort rehearsing their lines.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXn1g0xtUMk&w=560&h=315
Reptile Alert
A giant alligator was caught on tape taking a leisurely stroll on a Florida golf course. Reptiles on golf courses are unusual for some. In the Philippines, it’s called “Congress in recess.”

A giant alligator was filmed loping across a golf course in Florida. Filipinos praised the reptile for taking a stroll without a bodyguard.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad."
~Euripides

Sound Bites
“Puta’ng ina! Sinabi ko mga ugok, puta’ng ina. I can lose the presidency, my life, my honor. Just don’t fuck with me. Huwag n’yo na akong takutin. Boycott, boycott, leche kayo, e ‘di mag-boycott kayo!”
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte

Six years. And he hasn’t officially started yet. SMH.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
6/9/2016 6:04:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
SUPER MAJORITY
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/1duterteinq/
DURING THE election period, PDP-Laban had only three members in the House of Representatives. Last week, the party successfully lured almost 200 solons into forming a ‘super majority’ in the Lower House. That’s not surprising though. Horticulturists say the balimbing tree produces fruits faster in a soil full of shit and manure.

Boycott
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte says he’ll no longer grant media interviews. Right now, only the crew of PTV 4 is being allowed entry to Duterte’s guest house in Davao City. To those asking, “PTV” stands for People’s Television and “4” is the average number of people who tune in to that channel everyday.

Plans
Incoming Presidential Communications Operations Office chief Martin Andanar says the Duterte administration may print its own tabloid. They haven’t decided on the tabloid’s name yet but Duterte is reportedly keen on calling it ‘Balitang Ina Mo.’

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/09/super-majority/1jpeinq/Goodbye
After spending 50 years in politics, hardworking senator Juan Ponce Enrile has said goodbye to public service. The 92-year-old says he will not involve himself again in politics and intends to just focus on the future. Which is near. And I mean, very near.

Juan Ponce Enrile spent the last 50 years of his life in politics. If there is justice in this world, he will spend the rest of his life in prison.

Goodbye II
Also over, Bong Revilla’s and Jinggoy Estrada’s senatorial terms. They can now concentrate on their jail terms.

Liability
President-elect Duterte’s choice for House Speaker, Davao del Norte Rep. Pantaleon Alvarez says the 17th Congress will lower the age of criminal liability from the current 15 years old to 12 years old. Alvarez has cited reports that more and more children are being used by criminal syndicates in their operations. If the proposed bill is approved, criminal liability will be from 12 to Juan Ponce Enrile.

SOCE
Election laws state that candidates must submit their statement of contributions and expenditures to the Commission on Elections. This year, the deadline was June 8 which coincidentally was declared World Fiction Writing Day.

Walang Himala
The Vatican has decreed that the reported apparitions of the Virgin Mary and the shower of rose petals in Lipa City, Batangas in 1948 had no supernatural basis. That came as a shock since it was announced by the same group of people who still believe in talking snakes or that humans can turn into pillars of salt.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/09/super-majority/1cnbc/
US Polls
It’s official. Hillary Clinton will go head-to-head with Donald Trump in the US presidential elections this November. Clinton is the official candidate of the Democratic Party while controversial Trump won the nomination of PDP-Laban.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“There's something wrong with your character if opportunity controls your loyalty.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“Sorry huh. Talagang ano ako, boycott talaga until the end of my term. ‘Pag interview, maraming mali, marami namang criticism, so better no interview, no criticism, no wrong statement, no nothing
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte

“Such provocative messages indicate to any person who is displeased by the work of a journalist or an activist, for example, that they can attack or kill them without fear of sanction.”
~Christof Heyns, UN expert on summary executions re: Duterte’s recent statement

“Fuck you UN… Shut up all of you.”
~President-elect Duterte

Stay classy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
6/15/2016 8:05:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
ERRONEWS
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/16/erronews/1salabs/
IN A STRONGLY-WORDED statement, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon condemns President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s “apparent endorsement of extrajudicial killings.” Atty. Salvador Panelo blames “incorrect news reports” for the UN leader’s “wrong perception” and explains, “The President-elect has not endorsed, cannot and will never endorse extrajudicial killings.” To those asking, Atty. Salvador Panelo is the incoming presidential sanitizer.

Imaginary Q&A
Reporter: Sabi n’yo po wala kayong sakit. May medical report ho ba kayong maipapakita?

Duterte: Tang-ina, bastos ka ah! How is the vagina of your wife? Is it smelly? Or not smelly? Give me the report.

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, mahalagang pagtuunan ng pansin ang kalusugan ng kababaihan. Healthy body, healthy mommy, healthy baby. That’s the essence of being a woman. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Hashtag ElNiñoLaNiña…

Duterte: El Niño, La Niña. ‘Tang ina, ‘di pa nga ako tapos sa el snatcher at la droga, bibigyan n’yo pa ako ng panibagong problema. Sige! Kayo na rito. Bwisit!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, hindi niya pwedeng ipagwalang-bahala ang bantang dulot ng climate change. Isa ‘yan sa kanyang tututukan kapag nasa palasyo na. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pambabatikos ng mga obispo?

Duterte: Putang ina nila! Ipokrito sila!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, dapat maging open ang Simbahan sa mga pagbabago sa ating lipunan. Thank you.

Development
Lawyer Salvador Panelo will no longer be appointed as presidential spokesperson. Reports quoted Duterte as saying Panelo’s assignment as spokesman was temporary. Sought for a reaction, Panelo said, “Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, napakahusay kong abogado para lang maging tagapagsalita. Thank you.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/16/erronews/1mateen/Orlando Massacre
The US is still in shock following the murder of 49 people in Orlando by a lone shooter identified as Omar Mateen. Former classmates and co-workers described Mateen as an angry, stubborn, trashtalking man who always talked about killing. In other words, he had the potential to become president.

Lost
Defeated vice presidential candidate Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos Jr. is incensed. In a recent statement, he spoke about vote buying, vote manipulation, and election fraud. Which sounded familiar because, as it turned out, he was reading from a document called, ‘The Martial Law Years.’

Accusing the administration of cheating in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said, “Napakawalanghiya ang pagkagawa sa pambabastos at pagbabalewala sa boses ng taumbayan.” Or as his father would say, “Note to self.”

Drug Test
Incoming House speaker Pantaleon Alvarez is open to the idea of requiring lawmakers to take a drug test when the 17th Congress opens next month. In totally unrelated news, Jules Ledesma is really glad his term is over.

Outgoing
Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma is a three-termer solon. We won’t be seeing him in the upcoming 17th Congress just as we didn’t see him in the 14th, 15th and 16th Congresses.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/16/erronews/1demonyo/
Evil
There’s a currently popular online test called, “Gaano ka kademonyo” that ‘calculates’ how “evil” a Facebook user is. I took the test for fun and the result showed I was 234 percent evil. A friend was “more evil” at 285 percent. When President-elect Rodrigo Duterte took the test, he got this reply, “Thank you for taking the test. No need to calculate… Master.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“I long for the day when the LGBT community no longer has to live in fear of discrimination and hate crimes.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago (She turned 71 on June 15. Happy birthday Senator!)

“Love makes us strong. Love gives us the courage to act. Love gives us hope that change is possible. Love allows us to change the script. So love your country. Love your family. Love the families and the victims and the people of Orlando, but let’s remember that love is a verb. And to love means to do something.”
~Stephen Colbert on the Orlando club massacre

Love will always win.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Panelo: ABSCBN News; Mateen: fox News]

professionalheckler | AMpThu, 16 Jun 2016 09:12:40 +000012Thursday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p06 | Tags: bongbong marcos fraud election, duterte vs. bishops, omar mateen and duterte, orlando massacre, pantaleon alvarez and drug test jules ledesma, professional heckler and political humor, salvador panelo and duterte | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL: http://wp.me/s4c4v-erronews


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Leo Beligan
6/28/2016 7:17:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
HOTLINE, DRUG ADDICTS, BREXIT, AND OTHER STORIES
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20559
INCOMING PRESIDENT Rodrigo Duterte says he will set up 12 phone lines where people can directly call to report corruption in government. This early, Duterte is apologizing to potential callers because all 12 lines will be very busy.

Scenarios
Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Caller: ‘Yong aming congressman, magnanakaw.

Hotline: May pruweba ho ba kayo?

Caller: ‘Di ba ‘pag congressman, magnanakaw naman talaga? Nabago na ba?

* * * * *

Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Customs Official:

Hotline: Hello?!? Office of the President, may isusumbong ho ba kayo?

Customs Official:

Hotline: (ibinaba ang telepono)

Customs Official: ‘Tang ina, totoo nga.

* * * * *

Hotline: Good morning, sa Office of the President po ito, ano pong isusumbong n’yo?

Caller: Pwede bang malaman ang number ni Mocha Uson?

Hotline: Hindi ho ito directory.

Caller: Wala pa ring pagbabago sa gobyerno! Wala kayong silbi! Bye!

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20560Brexit
In a decision that shocked the international community, 52 percent of voters in the United Kingdom chose to leave the European Union. Analysts say leading advocates of Brexit succeeded because of their promise to eradicate criminality in 3 to 6 months.

Lost
He urged his countrymen to vote ‘Remain’ and campaigned really hard to win but British Prime Minister David Cameron still lost. He will step down soon, take a break, and probably, spend some quality time with his nephews, Josh and Bimby Cameron.

Wrong
In a referendum to decide whether the UK should leave or stay as a member of the European Union, survey firms predicted that 52 percent will vote Remain and 48 percent will vote Leave. They were wrong! The final vote showed 52 percent opted to ‘Leave’ and 48 percent voted to Remain. When sought for a reaction, London-based student Sandro Marcos says he respects the result of the election because the numbers totaled 100 percent.

Brexit Aftermath
In Scotland, where the 'Remain' vote prevailed, people are talking about leaving the United Kingdom through another referendum. In London, residents are calling for a referendum to decide whether Tom Hiddleston should leave or remain with Taylor Swift.

Critical
President Aquino was the guest of honor and commencement speaker at the recent Ateneo De Manila University graduation ceremony. The outgoing president encouraged the graduates to be critical. A skill he has mastered as president at the expense of the previous administration.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20562
The Graduate
Journalist and ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez is also a member of Class 2016. She just finished her master’s degree in journalism at the Ateneo De Manila University. In an interview before the elections, the feisty broadcaster said, taking higher studies wasn’t just to gain more knowledge but “a way to discipline my mind.” Said Anderson Cooper, “Good to know.”

Drug Addicts
Citing government data, incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says there are around 3 million drug addicts in the country. He explains not all drug addicts can be put in jail or rehab at the same time. Mostly awake at night, many of them roam the streets, jam with fellow addicts, or attend rave parties sponsored by a toothpaste brand.

Platform
Incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says his government is for the helpless, the hopeless, and the defenseless. And to prove this, he’ll continue doing what he has started in Davao City: wage war against suspected criminals who are helpless, hopeless, and defenseless.

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20561Game of Thrones
Fans of the highly-acclaimed HBO series, ‘Game of Thrones’ are still talking about the epic Season 6 finalé. One of the show’s highlights was when supporters of Jon Snow declared him ‘King in the North’ prompting Bongbong Marcos to file a protest.

Draw
The highly-publicized URCC bout between actors Kiko Matos and Baron Geisler ended in a draw. Spectators who thought Matos dominated the fight were surprised by the result. Even more surprising was the fact that many people took this gimmickry seriously.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“In war, truth is the first casualty.”
~Aeschylus

Sound Bites
"I think that the Church not only should apologize to a gay person whom it offended but it must also apologize to the poor as well, to the women who have been exploited, to children who have been exploited by (being forced to) work. It must apologize for having blessed so many weapons."
~Pope Francis

Winter is here.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Brexit: ICEF Monitor; Korina Sanchez, IG]

professionalheckler | AMpTue, 28 Jun 2016 08:44:54 +000044Tuesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p06 | Tags: brexi and taylor swift and tom hiddleston, drug addicts 3 million, duterte and brexit, duterte corruption hotline, game of thrones finale, kiko matos baron geisler draw, korina sanchez ateneo masters, president aquino ateneo graduation, professional heckler political humor | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5lv


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Leo Beligan
7/19/2016 12:32:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
SUSPECTED, SUSPECDEAD
by professionalheckler

LAST WEEK, suspected drug lord Peter Lim sought audience with no less than President Duterte to deny his reported involvement in the illegal drugs trade. Netizens cry double standard in the government’s war against illegal drugs. They noted, "'Pag mahirap ang suspek, patay agad pero 'pag mayaman, nakikipag-meeting pa sa pangulo."

The president's spokesman Martin Andanar quickly denied the allegation.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/07/19/suspected-suspecdead/1dutertelim/
Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na lang magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Ayaw ko nga! Eh kung patayin ako nun?

Palace: Mayaman ka ba o mahirap?

Peter Lim: Mayaman.

Palace: You’re safe.

* * *

Lalaki sa Looban: Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Bang!

Lalaki sa Looban:

Pulis: Pasensya. Nanlaban ka eh. Wala akong choice.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Si Presidente talaga ang haharap sa akin?!?

Palace: Ayaw mo?!? Choosy?

Peter Lim: Hindi. Excited lang.

* * *

Lalaki sa Kanto: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Sa presinto ka na magpaliwanag!

Lalaki sa Kanto: Pwede ho bang kay Presidente na lang?

Pulis: Ambisyoso! Addict ka! Addict!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/07/19/suspected-suspecdead/fullsizerender/
Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Ipapapatay kita ‘pag may nakuha akong ebidensya. Right now, submit yourself to an investigation.

Peter Lim: Hindi mo ako papatayin ngayon sir? Hindi totoo ang banta mo dati?

Duterte:

Peter Lim: Nagtatanong lang sir. Aalis na po ako. Thanks.

* * *

Suspek: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher.

Pulis: Bang!

Suspek: Agad-agad?!?

Pulis: Lumalaban ka pa huh! Bang!

Suspek:

Pulis: Dapat kasi nakikinig kayo sa balita. Ang sabi ng ating pangulo, “I’m the President. I don’t give due process.” Pasensyahan, ‘di ka yata na-inform.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Sa NBI ka na magpaliwanag. Go!

Peter Lim: Go na talaga? As in… I can go? I’m free?!

Duterte:

Peter Lim: Nililinaw ko lang sir. [THANK YOU LORD!!!]

* * *

Pulis: Dapa. Dapa!

Tambay: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Maawa kayo. Hindi ako pusher! Pakawalan n’yo ako!

Pulis: Anong pangalan mo?

Tambay: Peter sir. Peter Lim.

Pulis:

Tambay: Subok lang sir. Baka sakaling makalusot. Who knows ‘di ba?

New App
The Philippine National Police will activate a text hotline called “Text Bato.” A new Smartphone app which will allow ordinary Filipinos to send messages directly to PNP Chief Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa will also be launched soon. The app is called “Itaga mo sa Bato,” which was shorter and catchier than the original suggestion, “Bato, bato sa langit, ang tamaan… nanlaban.”
________________________________________________________________________________________
“I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them.”
~ Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

Worst Attendance
Official records show Manny Pacquiao attended only one session during the third and final regular session of the 16th Congress. When asked to justify his absences, Pacquiao said, "Colossians 2:5 For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit."

Sound Bites
“I know that I’m now a subject of incessant vicious attacks in the social media. But I don’t intend to dignify them by probing into who’s behind them and why."
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the viral video which showed her in a party with QC Rep. Alfred Vargas who was maliciously identified by idiots as detained drug lord Herbert Colangco

Say no to drugs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Malacañang]

professionalheckler

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Leo Beligan
7/22/2016 6:41:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
LEAKED: DUTERTE’S 1ST SONA (EXCLUSIVE)
by professionalheckler

A DRAFT of President Rodrigo Duterte’s First State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech. Exclusive!

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20657

State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 28, 2016]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo… (BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE)

Ma’am, puwede po bang tumayo kayo? Na-miss yata kayo ng inyong mga kasamahan dito sa Kongreso. (MORE APPLAUSE)

[Shobra ka naman Digong. Nakatayo na ako.] (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Palakpakan po ulit natin, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo! (APPLAUSE)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; fellow workers in government,

Mga minamahal kong kababayan…

Change has come. (5-MINUTE APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATION)

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Magsasalita ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Before I continue, gusto ko munang batiin si former president Noynoy Aquino na nanonood sa Times Street. Noy, huwag kang mag-alala ngayong hapon. Hindi ko sisisihin ang iyong administrasyon. (APPLAUSE)

As I have promised, hindi ko na hahabaan ang aking speech. Napakahalaga ng bawat segundo sa akin. Inaamin ko, ako ang nag-utos na tigilan na ang taunang fashion show sa red carpet sa labas. Sinasayang nito ang ating oras. (APPLAUSE)

Tingnan n’yo ang inyong mga sarili ngayong hapon. Napakaayos. Mukha kayong public servants na nag-oopisina. Samantalang dati kapag SONA, para kayong shoppers sa isang SM boutique - ang KULTURA. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kamakailan ay naipanalo natin ang arbitration case laban sa China. (APPLAUSE) Ang sabi ng Beijing noong isang linggo, “Sige, usap tayo. Pero i-disregard n’yo muna ang hatol.” Ulol! (APPLAUSE)

May natatanggap na batikos si DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr. nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo… hinding-hindi natin isusuko ang claim sa pinag-aagawang mga isla! (APPLAUSE) At lalo namang hindi natin uurungan ang China! (STANDING OVATION)

* * * * *

Noong Biyernes sa isang drug raid sa Valenzuela, napatay natin ang big time Chinese drug lord na si Meco Tan. China: 0, Philippines: 1. (APPLAUSE)

http://professionalheckler.com/?attachment_id=20662
Noong kampanya, kung natatandaan n’yo, I promised to kill five criminals PER WEEK para maresolba ang problema sa peace and order! Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin at hindi ko natupad ang aking pangako. Dahil sa latest data ng PNP, mula nang ako ay maupo, ang napapatay PER DAY ay sampu! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)

Sabi nila, ‘Justice delayed is justice denied.’ Sang-ayon ako d’yan! Kaya’t mabilis ang pagkilos ng ating kapulisan. Wala nang Mira-Miranda rights sa hulihan! Diretso agad sa kulungan! ‘Wag ka lang manlalaban or else… condolence na lang! (APPLAUSE)

Marami ang nagsasabi, pinapatay ng kapulisan ang mga pusher at addict. Hindi raw nabibigyan ng pagkakataong ma-reform ang mga nalulong sa drugs. Liar! Hindi ba’t binigyan ko ng second chance si Ka Freddie Aguilar? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Matapos ang eleksyon, nanawagan akong simulan ang healing sa buong bansa. Anuman ang naging kasalanan, dapat nang magkapatawaran. Nakinig naman ang Korte Suprema sa aking panawagan. Ayun… si GMA, pinakawalan. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Noong isang linggo, nag-crack ang aspalto sa runway ng NAIA. Napamura ako. Sabi ko, “Pati ba naman runway nagdo-droga? Nagka-‘crack’ eh.” (NO REACTION)

Joke ‘yun. ‘Tang ina n’yo, tumawa kayo! (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Nang mag-crack ang NAIA runway, maraming pasahero ang naperwisyo. Maraming flights ang na-delay. Kaagad nag-sorry si Secretary Arthur Tugade. Meron ba kaming ibang sinisi? Wala. Baka sabihin naman ni Noynoy, wala kaming originality. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Natutuwa rin ako dahil last week sa Pampanga… halos limampung miyembro ng New People’s Army ang nagsisuko. Bakit pa nga naman sila lalaban sa gobyerno kung mga kaalyado na nila ang nakaupo? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Nalulungkot ako kapag may mga kababayan tayong umaalis at iniiwan ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko, gagawa kami ng paraan upang sa susunod na mga taon ay wala nang umalis. Wala nang mang-iiwan. Maraming salamat nga pala sa tulong ng Sandiganbayan. Naglabas ito ng hold departure order laban sa mag-amang Binay! Walang aalis! Walang mang-iiwan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Humahanga tayo sa mga Pilipinong doble ang pagsisikap upang umunlad ang kanilang pamumuhay. Hindi sila nakukuntento sa iisang trabaho. Nasa Senado na, magboboksing pa. Manny Pacquiao, mabuhay ka! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo puro masasamang balita ang lumalabas tungkol sa bansa: droga, shootout, extrajudicial killings. Pwes, pagandahin natin! Ngayong darating na 2017, ang Miss Universe pageant dito gaganapin! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Ayaw ko namang magyabang pero mula nang kami ay maupo, hindi pa nasisira ang MRT o LRT. Wala pa naman kaming ginagawang bago. Divine intervention siguro ‘yan. Dasal lang talaga, dasal lang. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kahapon, may nabasa ako sa Internet. Bakit daw ang lagi lang nilang nakikita sa balita: “Pusher ako, ‘wag tularan.” Bakit daw walang, “Corrupt ako, ‘wag tularan!” Napaisip ako. May point nga naman. So, bakit ‘di natin sampolan? Sa hapong ito… bibigyan ko ng pagkakataong sumuko ang mga corrupt na nasa Batasan. Huwag n’yong hintaying tawagin ko ang inyong mga pangalan. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng aking speech, lahat ng corrupt, maiiwan! (NO REACTION)

‘Tang ina n’yo! Palakpak naman d’yan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Bago ako tuluyang magtapos, maraming salamat nga pala sa 91 percent na nagtitiwala sa akin at nagmamahal. Sa 9 percent na ‘di nagtitiwala, wala akong pakialam sa inyo mga Liberal! (APPLAUSE)

Hangang dito na lamang at Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“I denounce in the highest possible terms this latest demolition job linking me to maximum security inmate Jaybee Sebastian or to any other convicted or suspected drug lord or operator now or in the past. May I suggest for Calida to stop his fixation on ‘Throwback Thursday’ photos of me, and instead just start doing his real job of reading the 501-page decision on the West Philippine Sea case.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the latest demolition job against her

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Philstar.com; Victim: DZMM Teleradyo]

professionalheckler

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Leo Beligan
8/7/2016 10:11:00 PM


Posted: 06 Aug 2016 04:10 AM PDT

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/06/who-cares-2/1rio/
THE 31st Summer Olympics is underway in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The Philippines has yet to win a gold medal in the quadrennial meet. This year, we sent 13 Filipino athletes to Rio. Realistically speaking though, our only chance of winning gold right now is if extrajudicial killing would be made an Olympic sport.

Who cares?
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, some 660 drug suspects have been killed to date: 436 in police operations and 224 by unidentified assailants. On the rising death toll, President Duterte, said Thursday, “I do not care. I really don’t care.” But on Friday evening, the President acknowledged the abuses in the battle against illegal drugs – for the very first time – fueling speculations he was high on drugs.

Shoot-to-Kill
President Duterte has issued a ‘shoot-to-kill’ order against politicians a.k.a. narcopoliticos who are allegedly involved in the illegal drugs trade. Malacañang reveals two of those narcopoliticos have actually visited President Duterte and cried in front of him. To be fair, small time pushers and addicts don’t cry. But their widows and orphans do.

Improving
A Social Weather Stations survey conducted from June 24 to 27 revealed there are fewer poor Filipinos right now. Congratulations President Duterte and General Bato De La Rosa. Success!

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/06/who-cares-2/1bato/
Mascot
The Philippine National Police recently launched its new mascot – PO1 Bato, a bald cop in full uniform. During the press launch, it got a bit awkward though when reporters noted that the PNP chief was behaving like a mascot more than the actual mascot did.

Shots Fired, Again
President Duterte has yet again mocked Netherlands-based Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison,. The President says Sison speaks as if he’s somebody when in reality he cannot even control a barangay. To be specific, “remote control” a barangay.

Joke
The Bureau of Customs clarified that the reported appointment of sexy performer Mocha Uson as a social media consultant was just a joke. But such joke was no laughing matter because… she’s the bomb!

Top 5 Recommended Appointees Who Will (Probably) Perform Better Than Mocha Uson

No. 5: Department of Science and Technology: Nanette Inventor

No. 4: PAGASA’s Astronomy Section (Planetarium): Zenaida Seva

No. 3: Lolit Solis: SOLICITor General

No. 2: Tim Yap and Raymond Gutierrez: Integrated Bar of the Philippines

And the No. 1 recommended appointee who will probably perform better than Mocha Uson:

Robin Padilla: ‘Tol Regulatory Board

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/06/who-cares-2/1marcos/
Hero’s Burial
Losing vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos claims President Duterte has given his family the go signal to bury the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The burial will reportedly take place on Sept. 18 – which, incidentally has been declared ‘Let’s Pretend that Martial Law Didn’t Happen’ Day.

Hero?
Most millennials do not know who Ferdinand Marcos is. They’re only familiar with, ONE: the body on display at the Marcos mausoleum, and TWO, online stories about his World War II medals. And those two have something in common. Fake.

Water Sport
As I’ve mentioned earlier, the Summer Olympics has officially kicked off in Rio. In aquatic sports, the first gold medal has been awarded to Orlando Bloom.

Fad
Pokemon G0, the popular, free-to-play mobile app has been officially launched in the Philippines. And I don’t care. I really don’t care.

Pokemon G0 has been launched in the country. Game-loving Filipinos will soon be looking for pocket monsters – a sort of diversion for those who have gotten tired of looking for love.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“It is hard to talk about a middle ground for something that is a fundamental right.”
~Teri Reynolds

Sound Bites
“Shoot on sight means – just because you suspect someone or the President declared someone is a drug lord and you will kill him… that’s a violation of law. If they do that, then that would clearly be murder.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson on President Duterte’s shoot-on-sight order

“Itong si [Joma] Sison, nagbubula-bula ang baba, laway niya lumulusot doon sa screen. Akala mo naman kung sino magsalita. Ni hindi nga sila makahawak ng isang barangay.”
~President Duterte on self-exiled Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison

Stay safe. Stay alive. Huwag manlalaban.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: New York Times; PNP Mascot: Philippine Star; Marcos: Getty Images]
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Leo Beligan
8/12/2016 7:19:00 AM

TYPHOONS 2016: The Complete List
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/12/typhoons-2016-the-complete-list/philippines-extrajudicial-killings/
IT’S TYPHOON season again in the Philippines. Narito ang listahan ng mga bagyo ngayong taong ito. Gawin ang kaukulang pag-iingat.

Typhoon Duterte
Pabugsu-bugso ngunit napakalakas. Maraming iniiwang patay sa mga lugar na dinadaanan. Mapanganib lalo na sa mga ordinaryo at mahihirap na naninirahan sa matataong lugar.

Typhoon Duterte II
Predictable ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hahagupit ‘tapos magbabago ng ihip ng hangin ‘tapos hahataw na naman. Nalilito tuloy ang mga weather specialists at nauuwi sa iba’t ibang interpretasyon ang kanilang forecast.

Typhoon Gloria
Nakaalis na ang bagyong ito ngunit muling bumalik at patuloy na lumalakas.

Typhoon Marcos
Maraming pinatay at pinahirapan ang bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, marami pa rin ang nawawala. Sagaran din ang pinsalang idinulot nito sa ekonomiya. Ang nakalulungkot lang, iba ang kumakalat na impormasyon ngayon: dapat pa nga raw pasalamatan ang dalang ulan ng bagyong ito dahil naiwasan ang tagtuyot sa ilang lugar.

Typhoon Gina Lopez
Matindi ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag nag-landfall. Kadalasang tumatama ang sentro ng bagyo sa ang mga minahan.

Typhoon Andanar
Kulog at kidlat pa lang nito, mahuhulog ka na raw sa upuan. Mapapaiyak ka rin umano sa dala nitong ulan. But don’t worry, sa forecast lang naman ‘yan. Sa totoong buhay, sakto lang naman.

Typhoon Bato
Enjoy na enjoy ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag pinag-uusapan at napi-feature sa mga reports at interviews sa media. Matitindi rin ang mga buntot ng bagyong ito. Take cover ka na lang at ‘wag na ‘wag ‘manlalaban.’

Typhoon Panelo
Isang lumang sama ng panahon na nakaipon ng sapat na lakas recently lang kaya’t na-classify bilang bagyo. ‘Wag n’yo na lang katakutan. ‘Di naman siya talaga kalakasan. Feeling lang niya.

Typhoon Bongbong
Ang buntot ng Typhoon Marcos. Muntik nang manalasa sa bansa ngunit maagang namonitor ng PAGASA ang galaw kaya’t nakapaghanda ang mga tao. May panganib pa ring dala at posibleng bumalik kaya pinapayuhang maging vigilant ang publiko.

Typhoon Binay
Ang palatandaang paparating ang bagyong ito ay ang nakakatakot na pagdidilim ng kalangitan. Napakalakas ng bagyong ito. BEFORE. Nang pumasok ang Typhoon Duterte, na-push ito papalayo at tuluyan nang humina.

Typhoon Joma
Napakatagal nang binago ang kategorya ng weather disturbance na ito. Mula sa pagiging typhoon, na-classify ito bilang low pressure area na lamang. Ngunit kung kumilos ay astang bagyo pa rin ito kahit wala na sa Philippine Area of Responsibility.

Typhoon Pacquiao
Huwag magtaka kung mamatay ka pagdaan ng bagyong ito. Tandaan: Pabor si God sa death penalty kaya 'pag namatay ka, ibig sabihin, kagustuhan ni God ‘yon. Pinarurusahan ka niya. Nasa Bible ‘yan. Check n‘yo.

Typhoon Pacquiao II
Maraming factors kung bakit nabubuo ang isang bagyo. Sa kaso ng bagyong ito, walang dapat sisihin kundi ang kapabayaan at katangahan na rin ng mga tao. Sisihin n’yo ang mga sarili n'yo. Mga gunggong!

Typhoon Mocha
Ang bagyong walang masyadong ulan - pero mahangin. That's all. Thank you!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.”
~Unarine Ramaru

Sound Bites
“Sana nga, sabun-sabunan niya yung bibig niya dahil medyo naliligaw na naman.”
~Prof. Clarita Carlos, political analyst on President Duterte who recently called the US ambassador “bakla” and “son of a bitch”

Elsewhere
An emphatic minority by Shakira Sison
“Hello there! Here is my homeland, where the evening news proudly announces body counts. Where the daily number of casualties now equals great success. It's the only place in the world where death means winning a war, the only country whose people are fine with civilians being killed on the spot.”

No to extrajudicial killing!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
8/17/2016 8:48:00 PM


Posted: 17 Aug 2016 06:10 AM PDT

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1duperfect/
THINK YOU’RE UPDATED? Find out by answering this current events fun quiz. Kapag na-perfect n’yo, bibigyan kayo ng puwesto sa gobyerno. ‘Yan naman ang uso! Good luck!

1: Sa kanyang talumpati sa Camp Crame, tinawag na “immoral woman” ni President Duterte si Sen. Leila De Lima dahil may “lover” daw ito. Bakit ito nasabi ng Pangulo?
A: Dahil sa panahong ito, mas tanggap ng mga Pilipino ang pumatay ka kaysa magkaroon ka ng kabit
B: May karapatang magsabi ng gano’n ang Presidente dahil never siyang nambabae. Perfect husband siya.
C: Actually, nagbibiro lang ang Pangulo; pampaingay lang ‘yon para ma-promote ang bago niyang showbiz-oriented talk show sa Channel 4.

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1marcosphilstar/
2: Ayon kay Manny Pacquiao (na ibinoto n’yong senador), dapat ilibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang namayapang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Paliwanag ni Manny, “Huwag tayong magalit kung anuman ang nagawa niya.” Bakit daw?
A: Dahil mga bobo tayo
B: Dahil paninira lamang ‘yon kay Marcos
C: Dahil sabi raw sa Romans 12:5, “Ang ‘di mag-move on, bitter!”

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1mp/
3: Still on Pacquiao, sa kanyang kauna-unahang privilege speech bilang senador, inihayag nito ang suporta niya sa death penalty. Ayon kay Manny…
A: “Si God nga pinatay halos lahat ng tao sa buong mundo sa pamamagitan ng baha, tayo pa kaya?”
B: “Masyado nang maraming bobo at istupido sa bansang ito. Magbawas tayo.”
C: “Kahit naman walang death penalty, marami na ring pinapatay ngayon. So parang ganun na rin. Sanayan lang!”

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1kbordador/
4: Anong lesson ang mapupulot sa pagkakaaresto sa magkasintahang drug suspects na sina Karen Bordador at Emilio Lim?
A: Hindi marunong “manlaban” ang mga suspect na nakatira sa condo.
B: Kapag mababango, mugshots. Kapag dugyutin, shots lang.
C: Kapag may pangalan, mugshots. Kapag nameless, cardboard.

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1hero/
5: Nag-leave na ang kapatid ni Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista na si Councilor Hero Bautista upang magpa-rehab. Sa privilege speech sa harap ng konseho, sinabi ni Hero na “biktima” siya ng droga. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ng droga?
A: “Biktima?!? Kami ba ang lumapit? Kami ba ang gumamit?! Nakakaloka ka!”
B: “There’s a Hero… if you look inside your heart. You don’t have to be afraid of what you are.”
C: “Sisihin talaga kami?! Pwes, dahil marupok ka naman pala, magpalit ka na ng pangalan. Victim Bautista, mas bagay sa ‘yo ‘yan. Tse!”

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1joeysal/
6: Ayon kay Albay Governor Joey Salceda, ano raw ang dapat sisihin sa paglala ng traffic ngayon sa EDSA?
A: Lumalaking populasyon ng mga bading
B: Kotse ng mga pulitikong balimbing
C: Lubak-lubak na kalsada

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1schooling/
7: Matapos iuwi ng swimmer na si Joseph Schooling ang kauna-unahang gold medal ng Singapore sa Summer Olympics, sinaliksik ng local media ang buhay nito at napag-alaman nilang Filipina ang yayang nagpalaki sa atleta: si Yolanda Pascual. Pero alam n’yo bang may “kunek” din pala sa Pilipinas ang pinakamahusay ngayong female Olympic gymnast na si Simone Biles ng US? Hulaan n’yo kung ano.
A: Ang biological parents ni Simone Biles ay may kapitbahay na South Korean na laging kumakain sa restaurant kung saan nagtatrabaho ang kanyang best friend na Mexican na ang ex-boyfriend ay minsang may nakasabay na Pinoy sa CR! Amazing!
B: Si Simone Biles ay may height lamang na 4’9” na ‘di nalalayo sa height na 4’11” ng dating pangulo ng Pilipinas na si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Ang lapit!
C: Si Simone Biles ay mula Milky Way Galaxy kung saan located ang ating Solar System na kinaroroonan ng planetang Earth kung saan matatagpuan ang Estados Unidos na bahagi ng Asia-Pacific Region na kinabibilangan din ng Pilipinas. Nakaka-proud!

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1ellen/
8: Inakusahan ng pagiging racist si Ellen DeGeneres dahil sa picture na ito na lumabas sa official Twitter account ng kanyang talk show. Ano ba ang sabi niya sa tweet?
A: “My new pet is amazing!”
B: “Horsin’ around before our taping.”
C: “Off to the jungle!”

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1chiz/
9: Ano ang ibig sabihin nito?! Paki-explain!
A: Ito ang unang phase ng transition ni Senator Chiz. Supportive naman si Heart – in fairness.
B: Tapos na ang special course niya sa TESDA. OJT na.
C: Confeeeeeeeeermed!

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1romance/
10: Sa Cagayan De Oro City, ipinagbabawal ng Golden Heritage Polytechnic College ang pagkakaroon ng “intimate relationship” sa pagitan ng mga lalaki at mga babaeng estudyante. Ano ang masasabi n’yo?
A: Puwede bang itama muna ang grammar sa tarp bago pakialaman ang personal na buhay ng mga estudyante?!
B: Kung bawal ang relasyon sa pagitan ng male and female students, pwede bang male to male o female to female? #LoveWins
C: Sa nakaisip ng panuntunang ‘yan: huwag kang bitter! Kung masama ang experience mo noon, huwag kang mandamay! Pangit!

Bonus Question: Kaninong diet ito?
https://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1diet/
A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Olympic silver medalist Hidilyn Diaz
C: Jessy Mendiola
Guess first then click here for the answer.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.”
~Adlai E. Stevenson II

Sound Bites
“It’s so foul, it’s character assassination. We are both professionals, the President and I. We are both public servants. I hope he doesn’t resort to those foul means. To me, that’s very foul.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on President Duterte’s personal tirades

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
8/23/2016 7:04:00 AM
PRESIDENT RODRIGO Duterte has threatened to leave the United Nations. Last week, UN experts expressed concern over the spate of alleged extrajudicial killings in the country triggered by the government’s anti-illegal drugs campaign.

But an angry Duterte replied, “Maybe we'll just have to decide to separate from the United Nations. Eh 'di kung ganyan kayo ka-bastos, putang ina, eh, umalis na ako d’yan sa inyo. Where were you here the last time? Never. Except to criticize. When have you done a good deed to my country?”

Today, the United Nations reacted to the President’s statement.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/23/united-nation-of-idiots/1bkm/

From Rio to Tokyo
The Rio Olympics concluded over the weekend. The next Summer Olympics will be held in 2020 in Tokyo. The Philippines hopes to perform better in the next Summer Games unless of course President Duterte decides to withdraw our membership from the International Olympic Committee.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/23/united-nation-of-idiots/1abe/
During the #Rio2016 closing ceremonies, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe came out of a giant pipe as Super Mario – a Nintendo character popularized by the Japanese. In next year’s Miss Universe pageant in Manila, President Duterte will come out of a shanty as a “nanlalabang suspek.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/23/united-nation-of-idiots/1idiots/
Idiots
According to President Duterte, some 3.7 million idiots - mostly shabu users - run loose in communities. To be fair though, the number of idiots who uses shabu is much lower than the number of idiots who uses social media.

No Comment
Sen. Leila De Lima has refused to talk about her alleged romantic involvement with her former bodyguard-driver, Ronnie Dayan. The feisty senator declines to answer questions about the status of their “relationship” although recently, she has told some reporters she's watching the upcoming movie, ‘Camp Sawi.’

Suspended
Sen. JV Ejercito, who is facing graft and technical malversation charges for the alleged misuse of calamity funds when he was still mayor of San Juan City, has been suspended for 90 days by the Sandiganbayan. The suspension has been described as a ‘partial victory’ by taxpayers, anti-graft crusaders, and Jinggoy Estrada.

Funniest
The acting DILG secretary has come up with a list of local government officials who will receive citation for their anti-illegal drugs campaign. Some find the inclusion of Politician No. 1 funny although Politician No. 8 is by far the “funniest.”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/23/united-nation-of-idiots/1funniest/

Moral of the Story: Read carefully before you sign anything.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Flirting with madness was one thing; when madness started flirting back, it was time to call the whole thing off.”
~Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Climate Change
Reporter: Sir, ano pong paghahanda ang gagawin ng pamahalaan? Mas malalakas daw ang paparating na bagyo dahil sa La Niña. Sa sobrang init kasi, natunaw na ang mga yelo sa Antarctica!

Duterte: Eh bastos ang putang inang araw na ‘yan eh! When have you done a good deed to my country? Never. Except to bring El Niño and skin cancer. Umalis na lang tayo sa Solar System!”

Sound Bites
"I can assure you that he remains committed to the United Nations, of which the Philippines is one of the founding members, and to the purposes and objectives that this august body stands for.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., one of President Duterte’s interpreters

Love will keep us alive.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: United Nation: UN; DILG List: @xtinamen; PM Shinzo Abe: Getty Images]

professionalheckler | PMpTue, 23 Aug 2016 17:59:22 +000059Tuesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p08 | Tags: duterte vs. united nations, extrajudicial killing duterte, jv ejercito graft suspended, political humor, professional heckler, rio olympics closing tokyo prime minister super mario, sen. leila de lima and ronnie dayan | Categories: duterte | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5oF
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
8/28/2016 10:11:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
SENATOR DE LIMA GRILLED!
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/29/senator-de-lima-grilled/1dl-6/
THE HOUSE of Representatives is conducting a congressional inquiry into the proliferation of illegal drugs at the New Bilibid Prison. President Duterte’s allies in Congress wanted to grill Sen. Leila De Lima but the feisty senator has rejected their invitation calling it Duterte’s “kangaroo court.”

This morning, a list of questions purportedly drafted by Congress’s super-majority, specifically for De Lima, leaked online. Take a look!

* * * * *

Thank you for accepting our invitation Madam Senator. Hindi na po kami magpapaliguy-ligoy pa.

1: Ilang taon ka nang unang magka-boyfriend?
Follow up:
Smoker ba ang first boyfriend mo?
Sinubukan ba nitong mag-drugs?
Kung oo, inalok ka ba nito?
Kung oo, tinikman mo ba?
Kung oo, nasarapan ka ba?
Kung oo, inulit mo ba?
Kung oo, na-addict ka ba?
Kung oo, nagpa-rehab ka ba?
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

2: Ilang taon ka nang ma-devirginize?
Follow up:
Boyfriend mo ba ang nakauna sa ‘yo?
Kung oo, pinilit ka ba?
Kung hindi, ikaw ba ang nagyaya?
Kung oo, napilitan lang ba siya?
Kung oo, masama kang babae. Period.

3: Ano ang civil status mo ngayon?
Follow up:
May natanggap kaming report na “It’s Complicated” ang inilagay mong relationship status sa Facebook recently. Binago mo ito pero nakakuha kami ng screen cap ng original status. Pakipaliwanag kung bakit “It’s Complicated.”

4: What is love? Define legally.
Follow up:
Naniniwala ka ba sa forever?
Kung hindi… kami rin.
Kung oo, naka-droga ka ba?
Kung oo, masama kang tao. Period.

5: Sino si Ronnie Dayan sa buhay mo?
Follow up:
Naging “kayo” ba ni Ronnie?
Ano ang theme song n’yo?
Ano ang tawagan n’yo sa isa’t isa: beh o babe?
Kung beh, ano kayo, millennials? ‘Di na kayo nahiya!?!
Hiwalay ka na ba sa asawa mo nang maging “kayo?”
Kung oo, hiwalay na ba siya sa misis niya nang maging “kayo?”
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

6: Isinasama mo ba si Ronnie Dayan kapag nagsasagawa ka ng inspection sa Bilibid?
Follow up:
Alam mo bang kilala ni Ronnie Dayan ang ilang high profile inmates?
Alam mo rin bang may contact siya sa mga ito?
Alam mo bang tumatanggap siya ng pera mula sa nakakulong na drug lords?
‘Yan ang sabi ng aming binayarang nahagilap na witnesses!
Kung alam mong lahat ‘yan at wala kang ginawa, masama kang babae! Period.
Kung hindi mo naman alam, anong klase kang girlfriend? Hindi mo iniisip ang seguridad ng iyong partner!
Masama ka pa ring babae. Period!

7: Sino si Warren Cristobal at bakit nali-link ka sa kanya?
Follow up:
Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Ronnie Dayan nang malaman niyang kinuha mong security detail si Warren Cristobal?
Nagselos ba siya?
Kung oo, may dapat ba siyang ipagselos?
Kung oo, two-timer!
Masama kang babae. Period.

8: Lagi mong sinasabi, napakahalaga ng human rights. May nagsasabi pang kesyo this government is committing "crime against humanity." Pero ang tanong nga ni Pangulong Duterte, isipin mo ang mga drug addicts. Are they humans?
Follow up:
Kung ipapagahasa ka namin ngayon sa isang drug addict, ipaglalaban mo pa rin ba ang human rights niya?
Kung hindi, ipokrito ka!
Kung oo, wala ka na talaga sa tamang pag-iisip. Nasa panig ka ng mga kriminal.
Masama kang babae. Period.

9: May we direct your attention to the projected matrix on the wall. Patutunayan ng matrix na ito ang mga sumusunod:
Tuloy ang “bond” sa pagitan n’yo ni Ronnie Dayan.
May kuneksyon si Ronnie Dayan sa isang drug lord.
Ikaw, si Ronnie Dayan at ang isang drug lord ay iisa ang type na palabas.
Isa kang cougar.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/29/senator-de-lima-grilled/1matrix/

Closing:
Madam Senator, kung iyong mapapansin, napakapatas ng ginagawa naming pagdinig. Hindi kami nanghuhusga. Nais lang naming bigyan ka ng pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.

Sabi ni Mark Twain, “If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." Madam Senator, sa bawat tanong, malaya kang makapagbibigay ng pahayag -- in 140 characters or less. Kung hindi mo magagawa ‘yan, ibig sabihin, hindi ka nagsasabi ng totoo. Guilty ka sa mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo. Therefore, masama kang babae. Period.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“To a misogynist: To err is woman.”
~Mokokoma Mokhonoana, philosopher, social critic

Sound Bites
“Kilala n’yo naman ang mga drug lord dito. Puntahan n’yo ang bahay, buhusan n’yo ng gasolina, sigaan ninyo. Ipakita n’yong galit kayo sa kanila. Kilala niyo sino ang drug lord dito. Gusto niyong patayin? Patayin niyo. Pwede kayong pumatay dahil kayo ang biktima.”
~PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ dela Rosa who apologized for making the statement

“The House conducting this inquiry to try me before false witnesses is not democracy. The House conducting this inquiry is Duterte’s kangaroo court conducting the Salem witch trials and burning me at the stake.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @


  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
9/2/2016 6:48:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
STRANGER THINGS
by professionalheckler

WE THOUGHT it was just fair to get the side of the late former president Ferdinand E. Marcos on the controversial issue of his burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Everyone has spoken about it except for him. So we asked our favorite host, Krissy to do this interview - exclusive!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/02/stranger-things/1marcos-2/
Ilocos Norte
12mn, Sept. 1, 2016

“HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Ang OA ko ‘no? As if naman may naka-miss. Aha-ha-ha. Sabi talaga ni Bimby this morning, “Mom, do you still have fans?” Nakakalokaaaa! Sarili kong anak, nag-doubt. Hindi ko siya kinaya. I swear.

Anyway, before I proceed to the interview, gusto ko lang sanang linawin ang kumakalat na chismis na aalis na ako sa ABS-CBN. This will be the first and last time na magsasalita ako about it. There’s a rumor kasi na ayaw na raw akong papirmahin ng ABS ng more than two years na contract. Eh I was asking daw for 5 years. At nang ‘di ko raw makuha ang gusto ko, lumipat ako sa APT Entertainment ni Mr. Tuviera ng Eat Bualaga. Ano raw po ba ang totoo? Well, I promised Ate Pinky and Ate Ballsy I wouldn’t talk about the issue bilang respeto na rin sa Dos, so I won’t. Sorry. Aha-ha-ha. Nabitin kayo ‘no?

Nandito nga pala tayo ngayon sa Ilocos Norte. Gosh, kinakabahan ako. As in! Hindi ko teritoryo ‘to - you know that! When I arrived nga this morning sa airport, feeling ko anytime, may babaril sa akin. Aha-ha-ha Excited ako ngayon dahil first time kong makakausap ‘tong guest natin. Kanina nga sa plane sabi ni Darla, “Alam mo Ms Krissy, may something in common ‘yong guest mo today at ‘yong career mo.” Sabi ko, “What?” She replied, “They’re both dead.” I hate you Darla! Punyeta ka! Aha-ha-ha!

Well, ayaw ko nang patagalin pa dahil I was told na kailangang magpahinga ang ating guest. In fact, ni-limit ako sa 7 questions since - ‘di ba nga - obsessed daw siya sa number na ‘yon?! Parang ako lang. Obsessed sa 7. Kumusta na kaya si James Yap? Aha-ha-ha! TMI alert! I hate you self! Aha-ha-ha!

Mga Kapamilya, Kapuso, kababayan, welcome to my strangest interview yet. Please welcome, the late Philippine dictator, Ferdinand E. Marcos! (APPLAUSE)

Ulitemman ti imbagam Ibagam man manen!

Ay! Hindi ako nakakaintindi ng Greek, Mr. President. I beg your pardon?

Sabi ko, pakiulit ang introduction mo.

Gosh, did I say something wrong? Did I mispronounce your name Sir? Sabi ko, ‘Please welcome, the late Philippine DICTATOR, Ferdinand E. Marcos!’ May mali po ba?

Awan ammum! Nag ampep ta pipit mo! Magtanong ka na. Sinasayang mo ang oras ko!

“Krissy, behave. ‘Wag ka nang sumagot. Gumalang ka sa patay. Ikaw na ang magpasensya. Bad mood lang siguro ang lolo mo."

May sinasabi ka?

Mr. President, ba’t ganyan kaaaaaa? I thought you’re nice pa naman. Anyway, I’ll proceed na nga lang to asking my set of 7 questions. But first, maraming salamat nga pala sa mainit na pagtanggap.

Anong mainit?!? Nang-iinsulto ka ba? Twenty-seven years na akong naninigas sa loob ng freezer na ito! Anong mainit ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan?! Ukininam!

Pun intended sir. Aha-ha-ha! Grabe ka naman. Ukininam agad? Ang unang tanong ko Mr. President, super idol ka ni Pangulong Duterte. As in! He adores you. Everytime he mentions your name nga, there’s nothing but ‘love love love’ eh. Grabehhhh. Sa tingin mo magagawa niya ang mga nagawa mo?

Kung mamalasin siya, never. Pero kung mamalasin kayo, and I mean, the Filipino people, he’ll even exceed it. Ako na ang nagsasabi: he’s got a lot of potential. Matagal ko na siyang inoobserbahan.

Inoobserbahan from where? From heaven? I doubt.

Gago ka ah! Basta! He’s very promising. At bentang-benta siya sa mga tao. Ganyang-ganyan ako nagsimula. Tandang-tanda ko pa. Hinding-hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Alam na alam ko ‘yan.

At paulit-ulit talaga ang words na gamit n’yo. Kaloka ka Mr. President. ‘Punta naman tayo kay Bongbong. Alam mo naman ang nangyari last elections. Dinaya raw si Junior mo.

Narinig ko nga. Tawang-tawa ako! Ha-ha-ha-ha Ang dami kong tawa!!! Siguro mga 14 million! Nagrereklamo siya ng pandaraya??? Muntik ko nang masipa ang salamin sa higaan ko. Who would’ve thought? A Marcos is talking AGAINST fraud and cheating???? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Boom panis! K.thx.bye.

For someone who’s been dead for almost three decades, ang cool mo lang Mr Marcos. Promise. Love na kitaaa! Oops, sorry Dad, Sorry Mom. I was just kidding. Aha-ha-ha. By the way, sikat na sikat na ang inyong apo… si Sandro. Megastar siya ngayon sa social media. Ang daming millennials na gustong makipag-date sa kanya. Kaloka! Nagmana yata ang appeal kay lolo.

Utang na loob, hindi ko ‘yan apo!

But he’s Bongbong’s son!

Anak siya ng anak ko pero hindi ko siya apo! Kailanman ay hindi ko matatanggap na apo ang sinumang may tweet na ganito: CLICK HERE. TANG INA. NAKAKABOBO!

Ang puso mo Sir! Pag-usapan na lang natin ang ultimate lovey dovie mo.

Patay na ako. Konting respeto.

Why? Ano bang sinabi ko Mr. President?

I saw what you did there! Matalino ako. ‘Di mo ako pwedeng gaguhin. Sasabihin mo na naman, “No pun intended.” Huwag mo akong daanin sa pun-pun na ‘yan. PUNyeta ka!

My gosh! Ang init ng ulo! I was supposed to ask something about your ultimate love, the former First Lady. Hayyy. Nakakaloka. Masyadong defensive! Anywy, to be honest, si Mrs Marcos talaga ang ‘di ko kinakaya. Eighty-seven na pero bongga pa rin ang aura kahit wala nang gumagalaw sa kanyang mukha! Well, ‘yong labi naman, keri pa. Pero ang mga kilay, pisngi at noo… gosh. What sorcery is this?

Are you asking or are you insulting?

I am describing! Aha-ha-ha! In fairness, nasagot kita dun Mr. President! Going back to the question, lagi pong nagsisimba si Mrs. Marcos sa Baclaran. Nakasalubong ko pa nga minsan ‘yon eh. Deadma! Hindi siya nag-smile, so umirap din ako. Helllllooooo! Do you think she prays for you?

‘Yun nga sana ang gusto kong iparating sa kanya. Kasi everytime Meldy prays, ang lagi niyang hiling, “Lord, please keep Ferdie safe there in heaven.”

When in fact Sir, nasa hell ka naman talaga, tama?

Tama! I mean, pakyu ka. Wala ako sa hell. Pagala-gala pa rin ako.

Kasi nga, hindi ka pa naililibing? Naka-display ka pa rin d’yan sa freezer…

Freezer na kasinlamig ng pakikitungo sa akin ng Martial Law victims.

Hugot Sir? Once and for all Mr. President, saan mo ba gustong mahimlay? Sa Libingan ng mga Bayani o dito sa Ilocos?

Alam nila ‘yan. Buhay pa ako, sinabi ko na: GUSTO KONG ILIBING NILA AKO SA TABI NG AKING MAHAL NA INA DITO SA ILOCOS. UMOO SILA NOON. ‘TAPOS NGAYON, GUSTO NILA AKONG ILAYO, AT DALHIN SA TAGUIG!

Kailangang all caps? Galit???

OO, GALIT AKO! PAGOD NA PAGOD NA AKO UKINAM. ‘TAPOS MISMONG PAMILYA KO, AYAW AKONG PATAHIMIKIN. ‘YOT NI INAM!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/02/stranger-things/1kris-8/

O, Imee, Bongbong… I’m sure you’re watching, ‘wag matitigas ang ulo! Your dad wanted to be buried here naman pala. Kayo lang ‘tong mapilit na iluwas siya sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. Ahhmm, Sir may message ba kayo sa inyong pamilya?

MERON! DIAK INGGAGARA A SAKTAN TI RIKNAYO. PERO KUNG GUSTO N’YO ANG LIBINGAN NG MGA BAYANI… GO AHEAD. KAYO NA LANG ANG IBAON DUN. KAHIT NGAYON NA. ‘DI AKO TUTUTOL. GO!

Nakakaloka! O, mga kababayan, narinig n’yo mismo ang hiling ni late president Marcos. Gusto na niyang matahimik. ‘Wag nang makulit ok?

Nanlalamig na ako. Matagal pa ba?

Last two questions na lang Mr. President. May mga tsismis kasi na hindi ka raw totoo. Wax ka lang daw. Prove them wrong.

Sige. Touch me!

Ayaw.

TOUCH ME!!!

Ayokooo!!!!! Afraid! Wala akong dalang alcohol.

Ang selan mo. Syet ka.

Bakit ba?!? Eh ayoko eh! Eeeew. Last question... In less than two weeks, 99th birth anniversary mo na Mr. President. Grabe! Kung buhay ka pala, bata ka pa sir. Wala ka pang 100!

Ang luma ng joke huh.

I know, right? Aha-ha-ha! So, ano na ang iyong birthday wish Mr President?

Alam ng lahat – maliban na lang siguro sa napakaraming millennials na walang inatupag kundi memes at Facebook chat – na napasakamay ko na lahat ng materyal na bagay sa mundo. Name it, I’ve held it. Kaya sa kaarawan ko ngayong September 11, napakasimple na lang ng aking kahilingan. This may sound cliché pero ito talaga ang wish ko: Good health and long life.

Sir???

Pun intended. He-he

Agyamanak Mr. President. Thank you. Happy birthday and Mabuhay po kayo!

Pun intended too?

Ang kulit n'yo! Ukinam.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“It is the bungled crime that brings remorse.”
~P.G. Wodehouse, 'Love Among the Chickens'

Sound Bites
DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre boasted that two former employees of Sen. Leila De Lima at the Department of Justice have executed affidavits against her. But one of them, Edna ‘Bogs’ Obuyes has spilled the beans on Aguirre et al. Here’s her statement on Facebook:

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/02/stranger-things/1obuyes/

TANONG: Ano ang susunod na mangyayari?
A: “Manlalaban” si Edna
B: Bigla-biglang magpa-positive sa drug test si Edna
C: Mawawala si Edna. Kagagawan ‘yan ni De Lima!
D: Papayagang tumira sa White House sa Camp Crame si Edna ‘tapos after two weeks, state witness na siya against De Lima

To join, just type #FabricatePaMore (space) Letter of Answer (space) Name/Address and send to 666.

Red Flags
On Thursday, DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre released to the media bank transaction records that would allegedly prove that then DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima ordered her clerks (including Edna Obuyes) to deposit millions of pesos to a bank account under someone else’s name. A netizen was quick to point out “red flags” in the DOJ’s “evidence” though. Bistado.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/02/stranger-things/1emillunasco/

Ang evil lang.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos: Reuters; Kris Aquino IG; Edna Obuyes FB; Emil Lunasco FB]

professionalheckler | PMpFri, 02

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
9/6/2016 6:54:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
P*T@N& !N@: RANTS AND REGRETS
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/1obamaduts/

“You just don’t throw question and statements. Putang ina, mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!”
~President Duterte to US President Barack Obama

IN HIS TRADEMARK gutter language, President Duterte said he would not allow US President Barack Obama to lecture him on extrajudicial killings when they meet in Laos for the Asean Summit. Duterte advised the US leader, “You must be respectful.” To which, Obama said, “You first.”

Lashing out at US President Barack Obama, acid-tongued Rodrigo Duterte said, “Wala akong pakialam sa kanya! Sipain ko pa ‘yan sa harap n’yo eh!” His Cabinet applauded. His rabid supporters wildly cheered. And Russian President Vladimir Putin texted, “How to be you po?”

Duterte cursing at Obama was hardly surprising. For decades now, Duterte has been under a state of tastelessness.

Top 5 Reactions of Duterte Allies to His Attacks on Obama

No. 5: Alan Peter Cayetano: Nagmura rin noon si Mar Roxas. ‘Wag nating kalimutan ‘yon.

No. 4: Salvador Panelo: May legal basis ang pagmumura ni Pangulong Duterte kay Obama.

No. 3: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr.: Kasalanan ng media ‘yan eh. Alam nilang pagod na pagod ang Pangulo tapos gagatungan pa ng mga tanong kay Obama. Sila ang dapat sisihin!

No. 2: Peter Tiu Laviña:

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/06/ptn-n-rants-and-regrets/1lavinia/

And the No. 1 typical reaction of a Duterte ally to his attack on Obama…

Mocha Uson: Nakakaiyak talaga ang katapangan ng ating minamahal na presidente. Kagalang-galang na pangulo, nasa likod mo lang po kami. Alam naming para sa kapakanan ng mga anak mo – ang sambayanang Pilipino – ang ginagawa mong pagmumura sa Papa, sa pinuno ng UN at ngayon naman, kay Obama. Mabuhay po kayo Tatay Digong. #MuraPaMore #SigeLang #CheerLangKami #MahalKaNaminTatayDigong

Canceled
Following Duterte’s insults, US President Barack Obama has decided to cancel his bilateral talks with the President in Vientiane, Laos where the Asean Summit is being held. Duterte diehards are now accusing Obama of being a bitter ‘dilawan’ who cannot move on.

Regrets
Hours after Washington DC announced the cancelation of the bilateral meeting between Obama and Duterte, presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella read an official statement in which the President expressed regret that his profane remark “came across as a personal attack on the US President." Abella drafted the statement this morning and saved it on his laptop using the file name, “Washington DC: Damage Control.”

Duterte's Official Statement
(If Duterte was being truthful)

"The meeting between the United States and the Philippines has been mutually agreed upon to be moved to a later date.”
‘Tang inang Obama ‘yan. Ako pa ang tinakot mo. Eh ‘di i-move!

“While the immediate cause was my strong comments to certain press questions that elicited concern and distress, we also regret that it came across as a personal attack on the US President."
"Pinalaki lang ‘yan ng punyetang media! Bakit?! Sinabi ko bang ‘Putang ina mo Obama?’ Ang sabi ko lang. “Putang ina! Mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!” Napakalaking pagkakaiba nun. ‘Tang ina. Tapos ako ang sisisihin n’yo. Tang ina! Take note… ang sabi ko lang, ‘Tang ina’ huh! ‘Di ko sinabing “‘Tang ina n’yo!” Baka ma-misinterpret n’yo na naman 'yan. ‘Tang ina!

"Our primary intention is to chart an independent foreign policy while promoting closer ties with all nations, especially the US with which we have had a longstanding partnership.”
‘Tang ina, hindi lang US ang bansa sa mundo. Ulol! Akala n’yo natatakot akong mawalan ng kakampi. Yawa!

“We look forward to ironing out differences arising out of national priorities and perceptions, and working in mutually responsible ways for both countries."
'Tang ina. Kung ‘di lang ako nahihiya sa mga adviser ko, hindi ko ilalabas ang statement na ito. Oo, inaamin ko, pinilit lang ako ng mga punyetang 'yon. Pastilan! Pisti!

Culprit
The Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP), in a statement, has blamed the United States for last week’s Davao City bombing. The statement was released to the media last Sunday although the original draft was written in the ‘70s.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."
~Isaac Newton

Sound Bites
"An independent foreign policy need not result in the disturbance of friendly relations with our traditional allies. To achieve this, tact, not firebrand rhetoric, is key.”
~Party-list Rep. Harry Roque reacting to President Duterte’s attack on Obama and the US

“If I have to face them, you know I can eat humans. I will really open up your body. Just give me vinegar and salt, and I will eat you. That’s true. If you annoy me to the fullest… I will eat you alive. Raw.”
~President Duterte’s warning to the Abu Sayyaf Group

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/06/ptn-n-rants-and-regrets/1obamaduts-2/

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News Online; I Love Quotes]

professionalheckler | PMpTue, 06 Sep 2016 15:30:17 +000030Tuesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p09 | Tags: Abu Sayyaf Group, communists davao bombing, duterte vs. obama, political humor, professional heckler, son of whore obama duterte | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5qY

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apdo
9/9/2016 9:23:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
ROCK STAR
by professionalheckler

WELCOME BACK President Duterte! Congratulations on your world stage debut!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1abellalaos/
Question: Sa mga ‘di pamilyar sa kanya, ito si presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella. Sa likod naman niya ay makikita si Presidential Communications Office head Martin Andanar. Sa Laos ito kinunan. Ano ang sinasabi nila sa nakapalibot na journalists?
A: “Wala po munang press con ngayon ang ating mahal na pangulo. Maawa naman kayo sa amin. Pagod na pagod na kami sa pag-interpret ng statements niya. We need a break.”

B: “Wala na pong makapipigil pa. First in the history of the Asean Summit. Exciting po ang seating arrangement sa gala dinner. Ang Nobel Laureate na si Aung San Suu Kyi ng Myanmar ay kumpirmadong kakandong kay Pangulong Duterte habang kumakain! May magaganap pang subuan! Iba talaga ang karisma ng ating pangulo.”

C: Wala pong katotohanang iba’t iba kami ng sinasabi. Iba’t iba lang talaga kayo ng intindi. Pakyu all. Thank you.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1ban/
President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon
Duterte: Hindi kesyo nag-hi ako sa ‘yo eh ok na tayo, tanda!

Ban Ki-Moon: Huwag mo akong takutin. Kakampi ko ang Amerika.

Duterte: Kakampi ko ang China.

Ban Ki-Moon: Nasa likod ko ang buong Europa.

Duterte: Ipapa-Facebook kita kay Mocha.

Ban Ki-Moon: Inaano ba kita?!? Mag-usap nga tayo nang maayos.

President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon II
Duterte: Sec-Gen Ban, good morning! Rody Duterte po from the

Ban: Philippines? Alam ko! Rockstar ka nga raw ‘di ba? Dinudumog kahit saan. Bawat mura, pinapalakpakan. ‘Pag naipit, sasabihin ‘joke lang.’ Pero ‘pag tinanong mo naman about extrajudicial killing, sasabihan kang ‘wag makialam at ikaw pa ang uupakan. ‘Tapos ang lakas ng loob magbantang aalis sa UN? Iba ka.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina. Ang daming sinabi, nag-good morning lang ako.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1obama/
Obama and the Aide
Obama: Anong sabi?

Aide: “Who you” daw po kayo?

Obama: Tapos?

Aide: Sisipain ka raw sa harap ng reporters.

Obama: Ano pa?

Aide: ‘Di raw siya papayag na lektyuran mo siya on human rights.

Obama: What else?

Aide: Nigger daw kayo at ipinanganak sa Kenya.

Obama: Tarantado! Parang walang namang ganun. Kung makagatong ka naman!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1obamaduts-3/
President Obama and President Duterte
Obama: Ang lakas ng loob mong manermon! O loko, eh ‘di hanggang tanaw ka na lang d'yan ngayon.

Duterte: Gago! Hindi ikaw ang tinatanaw ko kundi ‘yung babaeng naka-blue sa gilid mo. Feelingero!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1server/
President Duterte and the Server
Duterte: Masarap ba ‘yang gatas mo?

Server: Hindi po gatas ito. Juice.

Duterte: Masarap ba ang juice mo?

Server: President Obama o, binabastos ako.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina! Hindi kita binabastos. Out of context ka!

President Duterte and the Server II
Duterte: Alam mo Miss Beautiful, hindi lang kamay na bakal ang matigas sa akin.

Server: Bastos! Ang tanda-tanda n’yo na, ang hilig n’yo pa rin!

Duterte: Ah ganun?!? Siguro bayaran ka? Nakadilaw ka eh. Bias ka! Bias!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1dutsbolkiah/
President Duterte and Brunei’s Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah
Duterte: Kapatid mo pala si Jefri? ‘Yong playboy na may harem tapos labingwalo ang anak.

Bolkiah: Uy! Ikaw pala. Kumusta naman ang mahigit dalawang libong pinatay in the name of your war on drugs?

Duterte:

Bolkiah: O, nauna ka huh. Sumagot lang ako.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1gavel-laos-abscbn/
President Duterte and Lao Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong
Thammavong: Dahil ikaw ang bagong Asean chair, tanggapin mo ang gavel na ito.

Duterte: Ang bigat ah. Pwede ko ba ‘tong ibato?

Thammavong: Sa mga addict o sa mga pusher?

Duterte: Sa media. Lagi akong misquoted eh.

Thammavong: Sige lang. Para maturuan ng leksyon ang mga ‘yan!

Duterte: Sure?

Thammavong: Just don’t quote me.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1aung-san/
President Duterte, Aung San Suu Kyi, Sultan Bolkiah and Indonesia’s Widodo
Duterte: Madam, I am Rody Duterte from the Philippines. I am

Suu Kyi: Kung ija-justify mo na naman ang extrajudicial killing sa bansa mo, umalis ka na sa harapan ko.

Bolkiah: #burn

Widodo: Friendzoned ampucha.

Duterte: Dinig ko kayo. 'Tang ina n'yo!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1wid/
Philippines and Indonesia
Duterte: I heard gusto mong gayahin ang style ko against drugs.

Widodo: Sana. Paano ba ginagawa 'yon?

Duterte: 44 deaths kada araw. Ganun!

Widodo: 44 ang papatayin kada araw?!? Parang 'di kakayanin ng mga pulis ko 'yan.

Duterte: Eh ba't nagtanong ka pa? Gago! Palitan mo na nga lang ang pangalan mo. Dapat WiNONO!

Widodo:

Duterte: Medyo korni. Sorry.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1dureza/
Social Media
Duterte: Kumusta sa social media?

Dureza: Nakakapangilabot Mr. President. Tingnan mo 'to. Almost a million na ang nag-share ng article na ikaw raw ang napiling best president sa Solar System.

Duterte: Good!

Dureza: Hindi ka naba-bother sa pagiging gullible ng Pinoy, Mr. President?

Duterte: Hindi ba mas nakaka-bother kung hindi sila gullible?

Dureza: May point. #infairness

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1pc-2/
The Team
Andanar: Our president has been treated like a rockstar in Laos. Grabe, dinudumog talaga siya ng world leaders for a selfie.

Yasay: His debut on the world stage was brilliant and superb!

Cayetano: Kahit ‘di ako tinatanong, magsasalita na rin ako. The brief meeting with Obama went well. Napaka-warm ng handshake at very good ang naging conversation nila.

Duterte: Mga kababayan, palakpakan po natin ang aking praise and worship team na kasama sa Laos. Thank you.

Salvador Panelo: Gusto ko lang idagdag na

Duterte: Sabi ko, 'ok na,' 'di ba? Nag-thank you na ako. Tama na. Baka sumabit ka pa, 'tang ina.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“War, they say, is the answer of those who have no arguments left.”
~Andrew Ashling

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1gmanewsgma/
No Kidding: Sarcasm Ban
Eccentric North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has banned North Koreans from making sarcastic comments about him or his regime. But that’s nothing compared to what has been happening on social media since President Duterte took office: a self-imposed ban on common sense.

In case you missed it…
Stephen Colbert pokes fun at Duterte’s anti-US/Obama rant. Starting at 2:52.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDyEGP0FhcQ&w=560&h=315

Consistent
After that epic photo blunder, here’s another epic fail from another Duterte spokesman Peter Tiu Laviña:

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/untitled-126/

Poll Results
http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/10/rock-star/1survey/

Ingat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
9/13/2016 6:04:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
THE INTERPRETERS
by professionalheckler

Sound Bites
“I have explained to [Duterte] about Mary Jane’s situation and I told him that Mary Jane [has been found guilty] for carrying 2.6 kilograms of heroin. I also told him about the delay in the execution during the meeting. President Duterte then said, ‘Please go ahead if you want to execute her.’”
~Indonesian President Jokowi Widodo

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/13/the-interpreters/1jokowo/

INDONESIAN President Jokowi Widodo said President Duterte had given him the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso, a Filipina drug convict. Yasay, Piñol, Dureza, and Abella have already denied the report that first came out in the Jakarta Post. I suggest that Filipinos withhold judgment until the OTHER interpreters – Andanar, Cualoping, Panelo, Cayetano, Calida and Mocha have issued their own statements.

DFA Secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr. said President Duterte actually told Indonesian President Widodo he “respects their judicial processes.” The conversation turned awkward when Widodo allegedly replied, “Respect your own judicial processes too.”

Secretary Yasay described the headline of The Jakarta Post as “erroneous.” The Jakarta Post described Yasay’s reaction as “templated.”

In yet another version, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella quoted the President as telling Widodo, "Follow your own laws.” To which, Widodo reportedly answered, “What do you know about following laws?”

President Duterte of the Philippines has given the Indonesian government the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso according to The Jakarta Post. Just so you know, The Jakarta Post is the largest English-language ‘bias,’ ‘yellow’ newspaper in Indonesia

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/13/the-interpreters/1andy/
Latest Development
Adam Harvey, a Jakarta-based journalist reported Tuesday the latest on the Maryjane Veloso issue. Harvey said “Jokowi is not backing down over his account of Duterte’s controversial statements.” That means it’s Jokowi’s word against Duterte’s, and Piñol’s and Abella’s and Dureza’s and Yasay’s.

Snubbed
Last week in Laos, presidential adviser Jesus Dureza said President Duterte “was not feeling well” so he skipped the Obama-Asean leaders meeting. But just the other day, Duterte revealed he actually skipped the meeting "purposely” because “I do not like the Americans.” The revelation made Duterte look like a ‘principled leader’ and Dureza, a ‘stupid liar.’

Out, Now!
On Monday, President Duterte called for the withdrawal of American troops in Mindanao. His exact words were: “The special forces, they have to go.” The announcement came as a shock to American soldiers, Washington DC, and Pia Wurtzbach.

Out, Now! II
On Monday, President Duterte said, “The US special forces, they have to go!”
The next day:
DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay: Duterte made the statement in the CONTEXT of wanting to SAVE Americans.

Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana: The President said it is up to the US to pull out for their safety.

Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella: He is not telling US troops to leave. It’s just a warning.

The statements prompted President Obama to send the three officials a thank you note saying, “I appreciate your efforts, sanitary engineers!”

Change
Last month, President Duterte told the media he wanted to change the name of Malacañang. Rumors say he has decided on a new name. Inspired by his spokesmen and interpreters, Malacañang will be known soon as "Babel Palace."

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/13/the-interpreters/1biogrpahy-2/
Revisionism I
The government-run website, Official Gazette drew flak for editing and “sanitizing” an entry about the late dictator, Ferdinand Marcos. Some news reports say the revision may have been done by a certain Marcos Angelo Cabrera, who used to work for Bongbong Marcos but now writes for the Official Gazette. Netizens had reason to believe that the culprit was Cabrera because the edited Marcos entry ended with the hashtags #LaylayanYourFace #WinADateWithSandro and #MartialLawNeverHappened.

Revisionism II
Solicitor General Jose Calida says Filipinos who oppose the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani are “bitter” who “cannot forgive.” Apart from being the solicitor general, Calida is also a contributor at the Official Gazette.

Plot
President Duterte says LP members are to plotting to oust him. The accusation was clearly a joke since there’s hardly any LP members left.

Miss Universe 2017
As we all know, the Miss Universe pageant will be held in Manila in January 2017. Malacañang is reportedly offering our candidate, Maxine Medina the services of its interpreters. She politely declined.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/13/the-interpreters/1tran/
'Train To Busan'
An unknown virus ‘infects’ people causing aggressive and violent behavior. Those who are ‘infected’ attack others even without provocation. But enough about rabid Duterte supporters. Let’s talk about the movie, ‘Train To Busan.’ It’s a thrilling zombie apocalypse flick. May puso. Go watch it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“With great power often comes great confusion.”
~ Dan Allen, Seam in Action

Elsewhere
The New York Times: How Countries Like the Philippines Fall Into Vigilante Violence
"Once violence becomes an acceptable means for settling disputes and exerting power, it is difficult for people to trust any other system. State officials have little standing to demand that people follow the rule of law when the state itself has been encouraging lawless violence."

Sound Bites
"Quite frankly, I have not heard that statement, and I would like to understand in what context did the President say that also. But I will insist and tell you the truth that the reason he was not able to attend these two meetings was because he was not feeling well.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., 9.13.206 – despite the President’s statement that he skipped the US-Asean meeting "on purpose"

‘Tang ina. Ang daming nagsasalita. Umayos nga kayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: The Jakarta Post, Adam Harvey, Biography.com]

professionalheckler

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Leo Beligan
9/18/2016 7:17:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL (LOVE IT!)
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/18/interview-with-the-devil-love-it/index-12/
DESPITE its busy schedule, the Devil granted this blogger an exclusive interview the other day. Here’s the unedited transcript.

Uy, kumusta ka na?

Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw?

I’m good. Maayos naman ang buhay.

Ang lungkot naman. Gusto mong gawin kong exciting?

Gago.

Thank you.

What keeps you busy these days?

Ahhh, marami. May world tour ako actually. Last July, nasa France ako, remember?

Ohhh, so ikaw pala ang may kagagawan ng terror attack sa Nice noong Bastille Day.

‘Yong truck na nanagasa ng civilians? Of course. Who else?

Demonyo ka talaga!

Thank you! Actually kagagaling ko lang din sa Syria. The situation there was hell. I love it!

Sana nag-stay ka na lang do’n.

Tanga! Bakit pa? I can Skype. I can tweet. I can Snapchat. I can even Facebook Live. Pwede ko nang i-manipulate at imonitor ang mga nangyayari sa iba't ibang bansa anytime!

So bakit ka pa nagpunta rito?

Kasi nga, I feel so special here. Patayan dito, patayan dun, EJK here, EJK there, murahan sa umaga, murahan sa gabi… hashtag winnnnnning!

Ang sama mo!

Thank you! Alam mo, sobrang nag-enjoy ako last Thursday sa Senate hearing.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/18/interview-with-the-devil-love-it/cshal5zvuaavkxm/
Nandun ka?

Naman! Alam mo ‘yong moment na halos magsuntukan sina Cayetano at Trillanes? That was so awesome! That was me!

Wala namang suntukan eh.

Alam ko! Punyeta kasi ‘yang si De Lima eh! Pakialamera! Kung kailan malapit nang magpang-abot ‘yong dalawa, saka naman biglang umawat. Buwisit kang babae ka! Ito ang tandaan mo: hindi ka na magkaka-love life ulit! You will die alone. And sad! Bitch!

Ang laki ng galit mo kay De Lima!

KJ kasi ‘yang lecheng ‘yan eh! Ang saya kaya ng araw-araw na patayan ‘tapos iimbestigahan niya?! Bobo! Pati ‘yang CHR na ‘yan, bobo! Hindi kayo magtatagumpay!

Teka lang, relax. Masyado kang mainit.

Isa ka pang bobo! Sa impyerno ako galing, sanay na ako sa init! Idiot.

Punta naman tayo sa ibang isyu. Active ka sa social media ‘di ba? Nagbabasa ka ba ng comments?

What do you mean, ‘nagbabasa?’ Tanga ka ba? I am behind those comments.

Meaning?

Putangina mo. Mamatay ka na. Sana ma-rape ka. Uubusin ko ang pamilya mo. Sasaksakin kita pag nakita kita. Fuck you dilawan. Ang bobobo ng Duterte die hards. Blah blah blah! AKO LAHAT ‘YAN!

You’re kidding.

Of course not! I created them. Ako rin ang gumawa ng mga trolls na aktibo ngayon online. Hashtag proud! Love it!

Bad!

Thanks for the compliment!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/28/hotline-drug-addicts-brexit-and-other-stories/1pdi-7/
Ano nga pala ang masasabi mo kay Pangulong Duterte?

Matagal ko nang protégé ‘yan pero aaminin ko, we have a love-hate relationship.

Dahil?

Eh kasi tatanga-tanga. Inuubos niya ang mga snatcher, pusher at mga drug lord. Helllooooooooo! Ang mga dugyot na ‘yan ang nagpapasaya sa mundo! Hangga’t nandirito ako, hindi ka mananalo sa drug war, Digong!

Sabi mo love-hate? Eh parang hate lang naman ah. Where is the love?

Suspek pa lang, pinapatay na! Hindi pa nakakasuhan, guilty na. ‘Tapos pati mga inosenteng bata at mga kabataan, nadadamay pa! Ang saya-saya! At ‘yong pagmumura niya? Wow. He has overachieved! Love it! Keep it up Tatay Digong!

Tatay Digong talaga???? Mocha Uson, ikaw ba ‘yan?

Fuck you! But I love Mocha! Ang laki ng potential.

So, gusto mo rin ang ginagawa niya?

Absolutely! Ituloy mo lang ‘yan anak. Ang dami mo nang followers. Tutulungan kitang paramihin pa ‘yan. Memes pa more! Love it!

Favorite expression mo yata 'yong ‘Love it’ ‘no?

Kung nega, ‘love it.’ Kung positive... ‘tang ina ba’t ba pati expression ko, pinapakialaman mo?

Nagtatanong lang naman. ‘Di naman ako nakikialam. OA mo!

Alam ko! Thank you!

Magbabanggit ako ng names, tapos mag-comment ka.

Game!

Vice President Leni Robredo…

Isang malaking tanga! Naglabas ba naman ng statement na ‘di siya susuporta kung sakaling i-impeach si Duterte. Tsansa mo nang maging pangulo, ayaw mo pa. Istupida! Tutulungan na nga kita, ayaw mo pa? Tadyakan kita d’yan eh.

Masyado ka namang bayolente.

Thank you! Sino pa?

Kris Aquino...

The last time na nagkasalubong kami eh noong gamitin niya sa kampanya ang presidential chopper. I miss her.

Presidential spokespersons and other interpreters...

My favorite! First honor sa katangahan ang mga ‘yan kaya enjoy na enjoy ako sa magkakaiba nilang sinasabi! Feed ako nang feed ng conflicting statements, kagat naman sila nang kagat. Love it!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/08/17/imoral-adik-bobo-atbp-kwento/1mp/
Manny Pacquiao...

Nabuwisit ako d’yan nang mag-Born Again Christian. Huminto sa pambabae ang pucha. Bobo! Pero lately, nagkabati na kami dahil consistent ang pagiging homophobic niya ‘tapos pabor pa siya sa death penalty. Tawang-tawa ako nang sabihin niyang ibitin na lang ang convict tapos sipain na lang ang silya. Ang primitive lang at ang cruel ng suggestion. Love it!

Pope Francis...

Yuck! Ang linis-linis. Kadiri.

Congressmen...

I am so happy for them! Ibinalik ang 80 million pesos na pork barrel bawat congressman. Pasalamatan n’yo ako mga gago! If not for me, nganga pa rin kayo! Hashtag happy days are here again. Kitakits sa hearing next week! Balita ko tetestigo ang mga alaga ko from Bilibid! Nakaka-proud! Go lang nang go! #laban #puso #push Love it!

Speaking of Congress, how about Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?

Welcome back! Ang shaya-shaya, ‘no? Love it!

Edgar Matobato...

Hudas! Ilang taon kitang inalagaan, inarmasan, pinakain, at prinutektahan tapos bigla mo akong tatalikuran?! Walanghiya! Hindi na kita ililibre sa McDo! Walang utang na loob!

Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales...

Hindi ko siya kilala. At hindi ako interesado sa kanya.

Baka naman basted ka lang ni Ombudsman.

Punyeta siya. Period. Next!

Former vice president Jojo Binay...

Miss ko na siya. I’m still a fan of his ‘achievements’ though. Love it.

General Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa...

Sabi ni Bato, from July 1 to September 17, more than 17,000 drug personalities na ang naaresto. I hate it. But in fairness, almost 3,000 na ang napapatay. Love it!

The late dictator Ferdinand Marcos...

I bumped into him kanina. Mukhang malungkot. Tarantado kasi ‘yang Supreme Court dahil na-TRO na naman ang planned burial sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. F*ck you SC justices! You don’t do that to my friend. F*ck you!

Sandro Marcos...

Panalo ang batang ‘yan! He’s been consistently awful. Love it!

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/06/16/erronews/1salabs/
Last na… Salvador Panelo.

My hero! Sabi niya kahapon, ipu-propose niya ang “constitutional dictatorship.” Tang ina! Ano ‘yon? Pero mukhang exciting... so, love it!

May message ka ba sa mga Filipino?

Ano ‘to? Talk show? May message pa talaga?

Sige, ‘wag na.

Gago! Nagtatanong lang ako. ‘Di ko sinabing ayaw. Anyway, to majority of Filipinos… mga friendsheeeeeeeep, mga repapips (Tang ina, ang luma ng repapips. Parang adik lang), mga kapamilya, kapuso, kapatid, mga dabarkads at madlang pipol… kung gusto n’yong batikusin si Duterte, go lang. Mas maraming bangayan, mas cool sa akin ‘yan! Pero suportahan pa rin natin ang patayan sa Pilipinas! The other day 22 daw ang pinatay overnight. Ang liit nun mga pards! Damihan pa natin! Try natin ang 75 per day! At ‘wag na kayong magreklamo ‘pag may pinapatay. Buhay pa naman kayo ‘di ba? Pag kayo na ang pinatay, dun na lang kayo mag-ingay. [Tang-ina, paano kaya ‘yon?] Otherwise… chill! Ok? Love it!

Wait, wala pa namang hearing. Saan ka muna pupunta?

Tanga! Nandito na ako sa Kongreso. Nauna na ako! Dito na lang muna ako magmomonitor ng patayan habang wala pang hearing.

Ok ka lang d’yan?

Of course! Bahay ito ng mga congressman. I feel so at home here.

Love it?

Love it! Ulol!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.”
~ Albert Einstein

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/18/interview-with-the-devil-love-it/1time-2/
Elsewhere
TIME: The tragic cost of President Duterte's war on drugs

Sound Bites
"Sixteen thousand ang sumuko. Ibig sabihin, ilan lang ang napatay dahil nanlaban. Nasaan ang massacre doon?"
~Tito Sotto, senator

Why are we being punished?

Poll Results
http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/18/interview-with-the-devil-love-it/1survey-2/

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate Hearing: Rappler; Duterte: Inquirer.net; TIME Magazine]

professionalheckler | AMpSun, 18 Sep 2016 11:13:51 +000013Sunday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p09 | Tags: de lima and matobato, duterte and extrajudicial killing, interview with the devil 2016, political humor, president duterte anti-drug war, professional heckler | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL: http://wp.me/p4c4v-5sj


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Leo Beligan
9/26/2016 9:35:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
DUTERTELEAKS
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/27/duterteleaks/1htgawm-4/
RODRIGO DUTERTE knew and allowed vigilante killings when he was mayor of Davao City according to a confidential diplomatic cable dated May 8, 2009 released by WikiLeaks.

Dear Wikileaks, tell us something we don’t know.

Commission on Human Rights Regional Director Alberto Sipaco who was being quoted in the confidential cable revealed that Duterte “channeled his anger over his son's drug use not just against drug pushers, but also drug users eventually leading him to embrace vigilante killings as a means to reduce crime.” And Edgar Matobato was like “Told yah!”

15 Additional Information On Or About President Duterte Released By Wikileaks

1. In 2008, Leila De Lima turned down Rodrigo Duterte’s offer for a dinner date.

2. There’s a huge portrait of Ferdinand Marcos inside Duterte’s mini-office in his Davao home. He talks to the portrait every night before going to bed.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/27/duterteleaks/1htgawm-8/
3. Despite his tough guy image, Duterte wears Spongebob briefs or boxers everyday.

4. He sleeps with a loaded gun tucked into his underwear.

5. Psychologists attribute Duterte’s Antisocial Narcissistic Personality Disorder to his triorchidism, a congenital anomaly characterized by the presence of three testicles.

6. Wiretapped calls from 2008 to 2013 revealed Duterte uttered the words ‘Putang ina’ 1,095 times per year on the average.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/27/duterteleaks/1htgawm-6/
7. When he heard rumors his son, Paolo was into drugs, Duterte subjected him to a game of Russian roulette.

8. In 2010, he was secretly rushed to the hospital after complaining of severe abdominal pains. Doctors found 15 bullet casings in his stomach which he consumed every Christmas Day during the last 15 years. After the successful surgery, Duterte vowed not to eat bullet casings again.

9. Duterte never wanted a daughter. He wished Inday Sara was male. Her decision to sport a pixie cut was on Duterte’s orders.

10. For three years, Duterte’s ring back tone was ‘Pusong Bato.’

11. In 2013, Duterte terminated a six-month relationship with a part-time model whom he discovered a year later to be a transgender woman. Fearing for her life, the woman decided to leave Davao City for an undisclosed place.

12. Duterte keeps a DVD stash of his favorite movies: The Notebook, Kung Fu Panda, The Hangover, Brokeback Mountain, and Shrek.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/27/duterteleaks/1htgawm-7/
13. In 2011, Duterte considered rhinoplasty but no doctors wanted to perform surgery on him.

14. He has a rare form of ambidexterity. He can write Visayan using his left hand and he can write profanity using his right hand at the same time.

And lastly...

15. He has a tattoo of Tweety Bird on his left butt cheek.

Note: These bits of information are subject to verification.

Elsewhere
In a video uploaded to YouTube, Taiwanese animators depict President Duterte as a clown, moron

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKkDsq60luA&w=560&h=315
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Minds that have withered into psychosis are far more terrifying than any character of fiction.”
~Christian Baloga

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/27/duterteleaks/1htgawm-3/
Sound Bites
“The peso's decline is mainly due to politics, with the Philippine president’s ongoing war on drug dealers and his intent to seem to alienate all of their major trading partners.”
~Jeffrey Halley, market strategist, Oanda Asia Pacific on the peso’s plunge

“Ayoko naman siyang patulan kasi pangit siya.”
~President Duterte on Sen. Leila De Lima

“Naawa na po ako sa inyo mahal na Pangulo, tigilan na ninyo ako. Ano po ang gusto ninyo sa akin? May gusto po ba kayo sa akin?”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Kids.

Poll Results
http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/27/duterteleaks/1htgawm-2/

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
9/29/2016 11:09:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/30/there-can-only-be-one/1miriam2/
THE FEISTY and the brilliant Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is in the headlines. She’s dead. This marks the first time since June 30 that someone who made it to the headlines for being dead was neither killed by the cops nor summarily executed by unknown assailants.

In a statement, President Duterte said Senator Miriam “is best remembered as a graftbuster ‘eating death threats for breaksfast.’” While Duterte will be best remembered as a drug-buster eating words after press cons.

The President noted that for being a graftbuster, Senator Miriam earned the title ‘Iron Lady of Asia.’ To be fair to Duterte, he has already earned the title ‘Iron Man of the Solar System.’

President Duterte said, “As a constitutionalist, Senator Miriam has always been an advocate for the rule of law.” When asked if he’s also an ‘advocate for the rule of law,’ Duterte replied, “Did I claim to be a constitutionalist?’’

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/30/there-can-only-be-one/1miriam/
Senator Miriam’s running mate in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said she “has left the world less wise, less bright.” To which, his son, Sandro said, “Ouch!”

Miriam’s popularity waned when she supported deposed president Joseph Estrada during his impeachment trial. In 2001, she vowed to jump off a plane without a parachute “if Erap is arrested for plunder.” The arrest did happen. When confronted by the media about her promise, the senator infamously quipped, “But I lied ha-ha-ha-ha” – totally inspiring the likes of Noynoy Aquino [Magpapasagasa ako sa tren] and Rodrigo Duterte [Magji-jet ski ako sa Spratlys at magtatayo ako ng Philippine flag].

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/27/duterteleaks/1htgawm-4/
Senator Miriam was the first Asian to be elected as judge of the International Criminal Court (ICC) based in the Hague, Netherlands. It is the “court of last resort” for war crimes, genocide, and crimes against humanity. The ICC was probably Miriam’s “greatest dream” and will probably be Rodrigo Duterte’s “worst nightmare.”

Senator Miriam served all three branches of government: as a cabinet secretary (executive), as a senator (legislative) and as an RTC judge (judiciary). President Duterte is probably better. He served as city prosecutor (judiciary) and now owns the two other branches of the government.

Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Senator Miriam’s life is the epitome of good governance.” And then she asked, “How to be you po?”

House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “We lost one of the most feared campaigner against corruption in government.” In totally unrelated news, lawmakers will each get 80 million pesos in pork barrel “district allocations” under the proposed 2017 budget.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/09/30/there-can-only-be-one/1-aguirr/
Controversial Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre II said the country had “lost a great mind and an indefatigable leader and public servant.” When reporters tried asking follow-up questions, he refused and covered his ears.

Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre added, “My regret is that I had no opportunity to reconcile with her.” Well, there’s a way to do THAT naman. Gusto mong i-try?

Senators called Miriam Defensor-Santiago an “intellectual giant.” When she died, the Senate lowered the Philippine flag to half-staff and the average Senate IQ by half.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.”
~Charles de Gaulle

In other news…
According to President Duterte, the CIA is planning to kill him - prompting Fidel Castro to release a statement saying, “Itigil ang ilusyon! Hindi pa kita ka-level.”

President Duterte believes the Central Intelligence Agency is out to destroy him. The CIA replied, “You’re already doing that. Why would we interrupt you?”

Ironic
Manny Pacquiao admitted he used different kinds of drugs as a teenager but kicked the habit, reformed himself, and became a world champion. Today though, he supports President Duterte’s all-out war on drugs. Kill the user. Kill the pusher. Pacquiao cannot see the irony in that. As Senator Miriam’s book would probably say, “Pacquiao is forever!”

Manny Pacquiao admitted he did use different kinds of drugs. We can still see the side effects.

Sound Bites
“I accept this. I do not want to do anything heroic.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s last words as quoted by her husband, Narciso Santiago

Personal
We had differing opinions on some issues and I did ‘heckle’ her on this blog a number of times but I have always admired the brilliance and humor of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. She would always send me a Christmas gift – even until last year when she was battling cancer. In Philippine politics though, she was the gift. Maraming salamat at paalam Senator Miriam.

There can only be one. Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
10/4/2016 11:11:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
THINGY
by professionalheckler

FOUL-MOUTHED Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte threatened to “break up with America” and even told President Obama, “You can go to hell!” In response, Obama said, “Thanks for the invite.”

Duterte also lashed out at the European Union (EU) and said, "better choose purgatory, hell is filled up." The European Union is asking about the context of Duterte’s statement, how Duterte said it, and why Duterte knows so much about hell.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/05/thingy/1reddit/
Slaughter Them!
It’s less than 90 days before Christmas. Everyone can’t wait for the Yuletide season including President Duterte. In particular, the President is excited about December 28 because on that day he celebrates the slaughter of three million innocents.

Hitler
While defending his all-out war on drugs, President Duterte invoked Nazi leader Adolf Hitler and the Holocaust. His most rabid millennial supporters were like, “What’s Holocaust?”

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/05/thingy/1teddyboy/
Neo-Nazi?
President Duterte recently appointed former congressman Teddyboy Locsin as Philippine ambassador to the United Nations. Locsin is now being criticized online after a tweet he posted last August 22 resurfaced and went viral. In the controversial post, Locsin said, “I believe that the Drug Menace is so big it needs a FINAL SOLUTION like the Nazis adopted. That I believe. NO REHAB.” Locsin has since deleted the tweet which apparently was Duterte’s basis for appointing him to the government in the first place.

Withdrawn
Congressmen have apparently backed down on their plan to show the fake Leila De Lima “sex video” in the next House hearing. The time they spent watching it on RedTube was satisfying enough.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/05/thingy/1mark/
Busted
Actor Mark Anthony Fernandez has been arrested for alleged possession of a kilo of marijuana. Alma Moreno will have to pray harder.

Mark Anthony Fernandez says he uses marijuana as a "medication to PREVENT cancer." Doctors who heard the statement concluded, “He’s obviously on drugs.”

Thingy
Someone sent me this letter last Friday.

Hello there! Just call me Maybe.

I really don’t understand. Like, you know. Why?!? Kasi nga, ‘di ba, there’s this letter from our school which came out today encouraging us to wear black sa game on Sunday between Ateneo and La Salle. When I read it, I was like, “Are you effin serious?” Ready na ang shirt ko. I even bought a new one at Powerplant in Rockwell so don’t be KJ, okayyyyy!!!!!???? (I won’t tell the color to protect my school. At ayaw kong ma-bash like, you know.)

An hour ago, my bestie texted, “Let’s go black huh kasi Dad said he’ll be in black.” I refused. Kasi nga, why mix politics and sports? Every year, naka-green or blue naman kapag La Salle vs Ateneo ‘tapos ngayon itim? Baduy.

And they’re talking about this EJK thingy. Fine. They’re killing the poor and the dugyots. But as President Duterte said, they’re addicts naman ‘di ba? They’re a menace to the society. ‘Buti na lang I don’t commute. Kasi baka ‘di ko kayanin ang threats. Like you know, when they’re gonna rob you or snatch your iPhone 7. Scary shit. By the way, there’s an iPhone 7 that exploded na raw. Gosh, I’m effin worried. Should I ask Dad for a new one?

Before some people bash me, let me be clear lang huh. I respect those who are against this EJK thingy. Pero if you wanna express your opposition to it, kayo na lang. It’s not everyone’s thing naman kasi. Besides, I kinda support naman President Duterte when he said na dapat mawala ang mga addicts of this world. I mean, helllllooooo. They’re so katakot naman talaga eh.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/05/thingy/1camillenaredo/

Aside from this EJK thing, na-mention din sa letter ‘yong Marcos burial issue. Like, helllloooo!!!! Pati ba naman ‘yon isama???? Anong kunek sa game ‘di ba? ‘DI BA???? I know for a fact (yes, nagbabasa naman ako) that Marcos has been frozen for like three decades. Let him rest. Anywhere! Move on na tayo! (Btw, Sandro Marcos’s older brother is a lot cuter. I mean, Sandro is ok by local standards but he’s got this like horrendous grammar so it’s a sorta turn off thingy).

‘Yun lang. I just shared my thoughts. Mas ok nang maging honest ‘di ba? Kesa naman you wear black just for the heck of it. I mean, maayos naman ang human rights ko. My friends and I live a peaceful life naman. We can go to the malls, window shop, eat pizza. We’re so free. And my family’s rights are not being violated naman. So, anong isyu ‘di ba? Feeling ko, medyo OA lang talaga ang reaction ng iba on this human rights thingy. But I respect them.

Done! At least nasabi ko na ang nararamdaman ko. I have to go. I’ll go check Manang muna if naplantsa na niya ‘yong new shirt ko. Can’t wait to watch the game. Wish us luck! XOXO
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I believe that the war on drugs is a tragically misplaced use of resources - an immoral venture that produces far more suffering than it alleviates.”
~David Harsanyi

Perceived wrongs?
Boo to this noisy Sri Lankan-turned-Filipino (thanks to the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos whom he served well)

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/05/thingy/1ronnat/

Sound Bites
“Sobrang ingay ng pangulo. Tama lang na ipakita niyang galit siya sa droga pero ‘wag na siyang mag-ingay na: ‘Papatayin kita.’ ‘I will kill you.’ Hindi tama iyan. Kaya he is falling on his own sword, nadadapa siya sa kanyang espada dahil salita siya nang salita.”
~Sen. Richard Gordon

Word.

Elsewhere
Propaganda war: Weaponizing the internet by MARIA RESSA
A fake account is a manufactured online identity, sometimes known as a troll depending on the account’s behavior. Not all trolls are part of a paid propaganda campaign, but for now let’s focus on the paid initiatives, which can pay a troll up to P100,000/month.

Poll Results
http://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/05/thingy/1poll-3/

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
10/11/2016 8:18:00 PM


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PSYCHOPATH

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 05:45 PM PDT

PRESIDENT DUTERTE is in office for 100 days now. When asked to rate his performance on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, Duterte gave himself a 6; Senator Lacson gave him a 7.5, and funeral parlors gave him a plaque of appreciation.

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/10/psychopath/1liberation/
Serial Killer
Amid the increasing number of deaths in connection with the government’s relentless war on drugs, French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ – in a four-page banner story – dubbed Duterte a “serial killer president.” When Duterte heard about this, he Googled, “What’s ‘Go to hell!’ in French?”

Serial Killer II
French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ called Duterte a “serial killer president.” Duterte’s chief apologist in the Senate, Alan Peter Cayetano will release a statement as soon as he figures out a way to blame this on De Lima, Drilon and Trillanes.

Psychopath
In a Facebook post, actress Agot Isidro advised President Duterte to have himself checked by a psychiatrist. The actress said, “You’re not bipolar. You are a psychopath.” Duterte diehards were quick to retaliate. They called on the Bureau of Immigration to immediately deport the actress saying “she’s obviously French.”

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/10/psychopath/1-125/

Psychopath II
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro slammed President Duterte for daring the US and the European Union to withdraw their aid to the Philippines. She even called Duterte a “psychopath.” Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella defended the President saying he only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.” When asked if the President was a “psychopath,” Abella said, Duterte only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.”

Psychopath III
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro criticized President Duterte for his series of tirades against the US, the UN, and the European Union. Isidro even advised the President to have himself checked by a psychiatrist saying he’s “a psychopath.” Presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella said the actress was entitled to her own opinion – and then texted, “Alam mo na ang gagawin mo!” to Mocha Uson.

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/10/psychopath/untitled-128/
Psychopath IV
As expected, fanatical Duterte supporters viciously attacked Agot Isidro online. The foul-mouthed trolls told the actresss, “Putang ina mo baog! Hindi totoo ang sinabi mo. Si Tatay Digong ay hindi psicopat, pcychophath, psychopatch, sira-ulo na nga lang.”

Imagine
Last week, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said the public must not take the President’s words literally. Instead, he said, “Let us use our creative imagination.” For example, when the President says, “Fuck you UN!” he can’t literally fuck an organization. So just imagine the President fucking Ban Ki-Moon instead. That’s creative imagination for you right there.

Imagine II
Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said, President Duterte’s words must not be taken literally. For example, when the President said he would kill his children if they were into drugs, that couldn’t be true. Paolo Duterte is very much alive.

Cocaine User
Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte who has been accused of being a drug user said, “May isang senador diyan na gumagamit ng cocaine.” He made the accusation without presenting any evidence. And President Duterte was like, “Anak nga kita.”

Jesus Christ!
Reminiscing the day President Duterte offered him his current job, Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar said, “This must be how the apostles felt when Jesus told them to follow Him. Like the apostles, I obeyed.” Andanar couldn’t recall though Duterte’s exact words then because they were in Aramaic.

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/10/psychopath/untitled-127/
Jesus Christ! II
Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar likened himself to the apostles and President Duterte to Jesus when he offered him his current job. A mesmerized Andanar said he just “obeyed” Duterte who promised to pay him 100,000 shekels a month.

Hostage Incident
A 32-year-old man who took three people hostage at SM City Dasmariñas on Sunday afternoon was shot and killed by the police. Reports say the man entered the mall with a concealed weapon around 11 am. Shortly after, he was heard “cursing and shouting” attracting the attention of shoppers who thought President Duterte was insde the mall.

Morning Show
President Duterte has announced his upcoming morning show on PTV Channel 4. He didn’t say if it will go up against ABS-CBN’s ‘Umagang Kay Ganda’ or GMA 7’s ‘Unang Hirit’ but the show’s working title is ‘Unang Mura.’
———————————————————————————————————————————–
“Insanity is contagious.”
~Joseph Heller

Sound Bites
“Rodrigo Duterte’s first 100 days as president have been marked by state-sanctioned violence on a truly shocking scale. His brutal crackdown on those allegedly involved in drug crimes has led to carnage on the streets and the obliteration of key human rights, including the right to life and to due process.”
~Amnesty International

Elsewhere
Philippines secret death squads: officer claims police teams behind wave of killings
“Now, for the first time, a serving officer is revealing the inner workings of what he claims is an officially sanctioned, albeit secret, campaign to rid the streets of unwanted citizens.”

How Facebook algorithms impact democracy
“In every attack, Mocha Uson provides no evidence for her ad hominem accusations, but they have been shared often that many believe they are true.”

Do not be deceived.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
10/14/2016 2:44:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler


LOW BLOW
by professionalheckler
FROM BAOG and biyuda to peluka and p*tang in@: how updated are you? Find out by answering this news quiz. Good luck!

1houseblows
1: Habang pinag-uusapan ang Charter Change, nagkainitan sina Surigao del Norte Rep. Robert ‘Ace’ Barbers at Surigao del Sur Rep. Prospero Pichay. Nagpang-abot ang dalawa at nagkasigawan. Alin sa mga sumusunod ang sinabi nila sa isa’t isa?
A:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Magnanakaw!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!

B:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Mas nauna akong nagsabi ng putang ina. Talo ka na.
Pichay: Mas nauna si Pangulong Duterte, tanga!

C:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Overweight ka gago!
Pichay: Hayup ka! Wala namang personalan!

2: Ayon kay Senate justice committee chair Richard Gordon, walang state-sponsored o state-sanctioned extrajudicial killing sa bansa. Ano raw meron?
A: Wala lang. Presidenteng nag-e-encourage na patayin mo ang may atraso sa ‘yo. ‘Yon lang. Masama bang pumatay? Uso naman ah.
B: Wala lang. Ilusyon lang ang lahat.
C: Wala lang. Ang mga iniulat na napatay, lahat nag-suicide!

1agotbashers
3: Matapos tawaging “psychopath” ni Agot Isidro si Pangulong Duterte, sari-saring paninira ang ginawa ng Duterte fanatics sa aktres – na pinaniwalaan naman at shinare pa ng mga istupido sa social media. Ngunit ano ba ang reaksyon ng Pangulo sa sinabi ni Agot?
A: Bahala na ang mga kampon ko sa ‘yo. Good luck na lang.
B: Everyday, beginning today, sa isip ko’y yakap ka pa. Peace!
C: Ok lang. Totoo namang psychopath ako eh. At least, honest ako at may nagawa. Eh s’ya?

4: Nag-apologize sa social media ang National Anti-Poverty Commission (NAPC) na pinamumunuan ni Liza Maza ng militanteng Gabriela dahil sa offensive post ng official Facebook at Twitter accounts ng ahensya laban kina Agot Isidro at Vice President Leni Robredo. Ano ang ipinost ng NAPC troll na pinasusuweldo pa man din ng gobyerno?
A: Gutom na gutom siguro sa lalaki itong sina Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.
B: Isidro, Robredo… tuta ng Kano… i-bagsak!
C: Ang ingay-ingay ng baog at ng biyuda. Manahimik na lang kayo Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.

5: Instead na sampahan siya ng kaso sa Ombudsman, sinampahan si Senador De Lima ng kaso sa Dep’t. of Justice. Ayon sa Senadora, “Maybe because that is the domain of Aguirre, the master of fakery.” Siyempre, pinatulan siya ni Aguirre. Ano ang sabi nito?
A: Fake-fake mong madumi!
B: ‘Tang ina mo! Inaano ka ba ng peluka ko?!
C: I have a saba, I have a De Lima. Ugh! De Lima-Saba!

1wig
6: Sino ito?
A: Wenn Deramas
B: Winnie Castelo
C: Zooey Deschanel

7: Muling tinira ni Pangulong Duterte ang ilang lider ng CBCP na kritikal sa kanyang madugong war on drugs. He recently lashed out at former Davao bishop Fernando Capalla. Duterte said, “Mga pari putang ina, bwisit. Mga pamoral-moral. Si Capalla, ‘yong bishop namin doon, pareho man kaming __________.” Ano?
A: Pareho man kaming malibog n'yan!
B: Pareho man kaming nagva-Viagra n’yan!
C: Pareho man kaming buang n’yan!

8: Itinanggi ng dating bold actress na si Rosanna Roces na kabit siya ng isang drug lord sa Bilibid. Kumpletuhin ang paliwanag ni Osang: “Hindi droga ang business ko sa Bilibid (kundi) ________.”
A: Ligaya. Ligaya ang itawag mo sa akin.
B: Catering. Alam mo na! #HappyMeal
C: Caregiving. I care, they give.

1im
9: Kinuyog ng Duterte supporters and Duterte fanatics ang Miss Earth-Philippines na si Imelda Schweighart dahil sa binitiwan nitong salita tungkol kay President Duterte habang kausap ang candidate mula sa Germany. Ano ang kontrobersyal na sinabi ni Schweighart?
A: “You know what Ms Germany, our President is uncircumcised like many Europeans. Hihihi”
B: “You are German, I’m half-German, and our President is half-Hitler. Winner!”
C: “Our President’s ex-wife has German roots. So let’s be careful. He’s kinda manyak.”

10: May kadramahan na naman si Kris Aquino. Inamin ng TV host na nagtampo siya nang husto sa ex-husband niyang si James Yap recently dahil:
A: May lovelife ang basketbolista, siya wala. #saklap
B: Hindi siya kinuhang ninang sa bago nitong baby
C: Trip lang. Part ‘yon ng annual tradition ni Kris. Kailangang awayin niya si James every year.

IN OTHER NEWS…
Ifugao lawmaker Teodoro Baguilat Jr. has filed a bill that seeks to promote mental health protection and improve mental health services. In a private text message, the President said, “Thanks for the concern.”

Mental Health II
Baguilat said there’s a serious problem of lack of qualified mental health personnel in the Philippines. Today, there are only 490 government psychiatrists. And they’re all assigned to the President.

1fadou
ICC Reacts
The International Criminal Court has spoken. ICC chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda said she is "deeply concerned" about reports of extrajudicial killings of suspected drug dealers and users in the Philippines. She added statements by "high officials" in the counry "seem to condone such killings." At press time, President Duterte has yet to release a statement although his online trolls have already released racist memes.

Fight
Congressmen Ace Barbers and Prospero Pichay traded insults and nearly came to blows during a House hearing the other day. Barbers and Pichay are just two of the reasons why there is a "Low" in Lower House.

Damage
Reacting to the incident involving Congressmen Barbers and Pichay and the damage this may have caused to the image of the House of Representatives, Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “Hindi naman siguro talagang na-damage.” Besides, what’s there left to damage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“If you want to discover the true character of a person, you have only to observe what they are passionate about.”
~Shannon L. Alder

Sound Bites
“Sa isang banda, si Agot Isidro, may sense sinasabi; kung gusto mong magutom, magutom kang mag-isa 'wag mong kami idamay. Kung sumama ang ekonomiya, madadamay lahat nang karamihan ng Pilipino na magugutom.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson

“For the record, I don’t have a lover now. I don’t have a boyfriend now. I wish I had one so that he will take care of me.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Elsewhere
‘Don’t feed the trolls’ really is a good advice. Here’s the evidence.
“Deny them the pleasure of an angry reaction, and they’ll probably leave you alone.”

Don't be gullible.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
10/21/2016 2:40:00 PM
DOZENS OF PROTESTERS were hurt when a police vehicle rammed into a group of anti-US protesters in front of the US Embassy in Manila. The police van charged backward then sprinted forward twice hitting the militants. The Philippine National Police was quick to deny reports that its motto ‘To serve and protect’ has been changed to ‘Too fast and too furious.’



Daring
Before the violent dispersal, Manila Police District director Col. Marcelino Pedroso was caught on cam telling his men, “Magkagulo na kung magkagulo. Pulis tayo. Lumaban kayo!” Pedroso has been diagnosed with ‘Duterte Syndrome.’

Denial
News footage showed the police van suddenly charged backward then sprinted forward twice hitting militant rallyists. But NCR Police Office director Chief Supt. Oscar Albayalde denied this and said, “Hindi naman sila sinagasaan!” Apparently, everything caught on video was all in our mind. A product of our creative imagination.

A First
For the first time since President Duterte took office, a violent dispersal of militant protesters happened. And for the first time in history, the militants had no president to blame.

Advice
The driver of the police van that ran over a group of protesters was identified as Franklin Kho. His superior told him not to worry because, ‘May kilala akong lawyer.’ While Agot Isidro told him, ‘May kilala akong psychiatrist. Patingin ka.’

In Beijing…
When told about the incident, President Duterte vowed to issue a statement when he returns from China on Friday, Oct. 21. But he has expressed doubts that police officer Franklin Kho was guilty of ‘extrajudicial driving.’

Probe
President Duterte said he had repeatedly told the police to exercise maximum tolerance during protest rallies. Still, a Manila cop driving a police van plowed through a group of militant protesters on Wednesday. The President has ordered his men to investigate if the driver had links to Senator Leila De Lima.

In Other News…
After typhoon Karen, there was super-typhoon Lawin. Tama na. Mother Nature should stop sending us destructive forces that kill. We already have our government.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“Surrender is no guarantee that an armed police officer will not shoot you.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
"Your stay in my country was for your own benefit. So time to say goodbye, my friend.”
~President Duterte to US, speaking in Beijing

Wait for the interpretations.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Videos US Embassy Protest: Inquirer.Net; Default Image Pic and Duterte Image: Agence France Presse]

professionalheckler
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Leo Beligan
10/24/2016 7:03:00 AM

The Professional Heckler
A SEPARATION
Posted: 22 Oct 2016 08:26 PM PDT
“America has lost. I, in this venue, your honors, in this venue, I announce my separation from the United States both in military — not in social — both in military but economic. I am separated from them, so I will be dependent on you for all time.”
~President Duterte in Beijing, China

1duterte
IN FRONT of Chinese businessmen and Chinese Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli, President Duterte announced his “separation” from the United States and revealed his plan to talk to “President Vladimir Putin and tell him that there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Shortly after, Filipinos online announced their ‘separation’ from Rodrigo Duterte.

According to President Rodrigo Duterte, it will be the triumvirate of China, Philippines and Russia “against the world.” Baffled, the world asked, “Inaano ba kita? Punyeta ka!”

Moments after announcing his “separation from the US,” President Duterte revealed his intention to tell Vladimir Putin “there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Although it wasn’t reported that day, Sanity also announced its separation from Rodrigo Duterte.

Just a day after announcing in Beijing his “separation” from the United States – both military and economic, President Duterte backtracked. He said the country would not sever ties with the US – prompting the Makabayan bloc to cancel a victory party scheduled for tonight.

Exerting his best effort to interpret the President’s controversial statement, Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” But before leaving, the son had to curse his father and call him ‘son of a bitch’ while flashing a dirty finger.

Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “Separation is not an annulment. It’s not a divorce. It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” Thank you Brother Andanar for sharing with us that engaging parable of foreign policy.

Saying we must wait for official guidelines, Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Marie Banaag said the public should not “interpret” the President’s statement. Which makes sense since there’s already a government department for that.

Rowdy, Discourteous
Continuing his tirades against Westerners in front of the Chinese, President Duterte said, “Americans are a very discourteous people. They are a little bit loud, sometimes rowdy.” To be exact, Americans are the second rowdiest group of people in the world – next only to Duterte fanatics.

Quote of the Weak
Sandro Marcos continues to showcase his comedic talent online. Reacting to the President’s pronouncements in Beijing, Bongbong Marcos’s son tweeted, “Duterte shying away from the US actually makes sense in the long term, at least for now ” – forcing Agot Isidro to advise, “May kakilala akong Language teacher. Pa-tutor ka.”

Disclaimer
Before the President is allowed to deliver a speech or asked to comment on something, there must be a disclaimer. I suggest any of the following:

The views expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily reflect the views of the government of the Republic of the Philippines or the Filipino people.

The views and opinions expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily represent official policy or position of the Republic of the Philippines or its citizens.

Ang mga pananaw ni Rodrigo Duterte ay kanya lamang at hindi kumakatawan sa pananaw o opisyal na polisiya ng Republika ng Pilipinas at ng mga Filipino maliban na lamang sa mga panatikong oo lang nang oo sa kanyang mga sinasabi at ginagawa.

Ang talumpati o pahayag na ito ay Rated SPG: Striktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maseselang tema, lengguwahe, karahasan, pagbabanta, sekswal, homophobia, misogyny, at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Telling someone who is manic that he’s manic is like telling a dictator that he’s a dick. Neither is going to admit it, and both are willing to torture you to prove their points.”
~Melody Moezzi, ‘Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life’

Sound Bites
“It is not severance of ties. You say severance of ties, you cut the diplomatic relations. I cannot do that. It is in the best interest of my country that we maintain that relationship.”
~President Duterte explaining his ‘separation’ statement

SMH.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
10/27/2016 11:13:00 PM
All Saints’ Day Message
of
His Excellency Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/28/patay-tayo-dyan/1dutertejapan/

My countrymen:

Achtung!

I am truly happy dahil malapit na naman ang aking favorite national holiday, ang Araw ng mga Patay.

Masama ba? Pinaprangka ko lang kayo. Kung marami sa inyo ay nag-aabang ng Pasko o Valentine’s Day, ako naman, All Saints’ Day.

Simula sa taong ito, ang Araw ng mga Patay ay hindi na dapat ginugunita. Ito ay dapat sini-celebrate! Maraming rason kung bakit dapat ipagdiwang ang All Saints’ Day this year pero hindi ko na ‘yon iisa-isahin dahil masyadong marami – almost 4,000 na yata.

Hindi man sa pagmamayabang, ako ang presidenteng may pinakamalaking kontribusyon sa Araw ng mga Patay. Partida pa ‘yan, wala pa akong limang buwan sa puwesto. Tinutupad ko lang ang aking pangako noong kampanya.

If you would remember, (click here para maalala n’yo), nangako akong papatay ng lima kada linggo. Ngayon, kuwarenta’y kuwatro ang napapatay kada araw. Inuulit ko KADA ARAW! ‘Tang ina, ‘pag ‘di pa naman kayo natuwa n’yan, ewan ko na lang.

Sa mga may-ari ng punerarya at manager ng mga sementeryo, natutuwa ako dahil patuloy ang paglakas ng inyong negosyo. Kasama ‘yan sa ipinangako kong reporma sa inyo.

Sa mga taong bumabatikos sa aking pagtatrabaho, isa lang ang masasabi ko: PUTANG INA NINYO. Kinakampihan n’yo pa ang mga drug addicts at drug pusher pisti kayo.

Hindi ako natatakot mapatalsik sa pwesto, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you some more! Seventy-one na ako, kahit patayin pa ako ng putang inang CIA na ‘yan, ok lang sa akin. Pero ito ang tandaan n’yo: habang nabubuhay ako, PUTANG INA NINYO!

Mahal ko ang aking bansa kaya pumapatay ako. Kung hindi n’yo matanggap ang ginagawa ko, magsilayas kayo, mga putang ina n’yo!

At kayong mga Amerikano, ‘di pa kayo nagso-sorry sa mga pinatay n’yong Pilipino 110 years ago. Putang ina n’yo. ‘Tapos you keep harping on the issue of human rights? How dare you!?!

Hanggang dito na lamang at sana’y maging ligtas ang biyahe n’yo pauwi sa inyong mga probinsya.

Proud ako sa patuloy n’yong pagtitiwala kahit marami sa inyo – lalo na sa social media ay nagmo-mochang tanga na sa kade-defend sa akin. Walang iwanan. Together, let us KILL THE USER AND KILL THE PUSHER!

Daghang salamat! Schasleevava pootee! Xie xie!
————————————————————————————————————————
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
~Albert Pine

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/28/patay-tayo-dyan/1digong-2/
Miss International 2016
Kylie Verzosa won the country’s sixth Miss International title. Reacting to Kylie’s victory, President Duterte said, “I am always happy if our beautiful women win all the titles. Pero lahat kayo diyan sa human rights commission, mga pangit!” Human rights commission employees refused to give a reaction. But they’ll give President Duterte a mirror.

In a speech during the pageant, Miss Philippines Kylie Versoza emphasized the importance of ‘international understanding.’ To which, President Duterte said, “What’s that?!”

Conversations
In a presscon shortly after arriving from Japan, President Duterte said God talked to him and threatened to bring the plane down if he wouldn’t stop using cuss words. When asked if He indeed talked to Duterte, God said, “Hashtag dream on!”

According to President Duterte, God talked to him while he was on the plane from Tokyo. He’s getting worse. First, psychopathy. Now, schizophrenia.

President Duterte claimed he was able to talk to God while on the plane from Japan. In the words of presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella, ‘creative imagination.’

https://professionalheckler.com/2016/10/28/patay-tayo-dyan/1dutertejapan-2/
Interview
Controversial Duterte fanatic Mocha Uson who has been critical of legitimate media organizations was recently invited by the Philippine Daily Inquirer for a sit-down interview. Apparently, the Inquirer heeded Sun Tzu’s advice: In war time, keep your friends close and your enemies, closer.

Critical of legit journalists and media outlets, Duterte fanatics and Mocha Uson labeled some news organizations like the Inquirer, ABS-CBN, GMA 7, Rappler, Philippine Star, and CNN Philippines as “presstitutes” – a portmanteau of press and prostitute. When someone told her, “Ikaw din naman ah – presstitute!” – Mocha Uson replied, “Excuse me, hindi ako press!”

Sound Bites
“I was looking at the skies as I was coming over here. And I… everybody was asleep snoring. A voice said that you know ‘If you don’t stop (inaudible), I will bring this plane down now.’ And I said, who is this? Of course, it’s God. Oh, OK. So, I promised God not to express slang, cuss words.”
~President Duterte

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
11/3/2016 7:30:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
MONKEYS
by professionalheckler

SIX DRUG USERS were killed by unknown assailants in Mandaluyong and Pasig last October 31. The gruesome murders were dubbed by the media as “Halloween massacre” and by Malacañang as “campaign promise.”

Post-Halloween
President Duterte spent the Halloween weekend with his family in Davao City. His grandchildren enjoyed their costume party. Some of them arrived as Marvel superheroes while some as Disney characters. But one apo, who tried to scare his lolo, caught the ire of the President when he arrived as a ‘human rights advocate.’

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/11/03/monkeys/1digong-abc/
Broken Promise
A week after God “talked” to him while on a plane from Tokyo, President Duterte broke his promise not to use another cuss word. Cursing yet again the United States for reportedly scrapping an arms deal, Duterte called the Americans “monkeys.” Apparently, Duterte never saw the irony in calling them that.

Broken Promise II
When God allegedly threatened to bring down the plane carrying him from Tokyo, President Duterte vowed not to swear again. The other day though, he broke his promise. God can’t wait to board Duterte’s next flight to Malaysia.

The Fall
Citing our foul-mouthed president's cursing of trading partners, Credit Suisse Group AG and Rabobank Groep predict the peso will weaken past 50 per dollar next year. In the words of Michelle Obama, “When Duterte goes low, the peso goes lower.”

Pacquiao
President Duterte said Manny Pacquiao should knock out welterweight champion Jessie Vargas in the early rounds of their scheduled fight this weekend. To be specific, Duterte wants Pacquiao to finish off Vargas in 3 to 6 rounds.

Safety First
A proposed bill in Congress will require PUV drivers to undergo and pass a mandatory traffic test to keep our roads safe. In response, angry PUV drivers said lawmakers must undergo and pass a mandatory honesty test to keep our taxes safe.

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/11/03/monkeys/1cult/
Filipino
Foreign Affairs Sec. Perfecto Yasay has denied an online report he has dual citizenship. Yasay insisted, “I am not an American. I am a Filipino in thought, in word, and in deed. Xie xie!”

Imelda
Miss Earth Philippines Imelda Schweighart was in the news recently for her bad behavior. Apparently, Schweighart has been badmouthing a fellow Miss Earth candidate. The fearless Palawan native who is not afraid to speak her mind has since resigned as Miss Earth-Philippines to focus on her next target: the presidency of the Philippines.

The Reason?
http://professionalheckler.com/1dutsinquirer/

“Ganito kaliit ‘yong sa akin kapag ‘di ako nagmumura.
Kaya pagpasensyahan n’yo na kung ‘di ko mapigilang
mag-'Putang ina' araw-araw. Kailangan ko ‘yon
para mabawasan ang insecurity ko.”

Da Who?!
I am reprinting a juicy item from the Philippine Daily Inquirer written by award-winning business journalist Daxim Lucas.

Freebie-minded Cabinet official
The owner and officials of this large real estate firm couldn’t believe it.

One Duterte Cabinet official was recently at the shopping mall of this company and was being assisted by its officials, as is customary whenever a VIP guest is on the premises. And as part of their polite small talk, the mall people gave the Cabinet official the usual line: “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.”

Well, it was soon apparent that there was something they could do for this Cabinet official and they were soon regretting their polite pro forma words. That’s because this Cabinet official asked an assistant the very next day to get in touch with the executives of the mall and ask them for 150 tickets—that’s right, 150—for a musical that was being staged in the theater owned by the firm.

Why? Well, the Cabinet official wanted other employees of the department to watch the musical, too.
But here’s the thing: This real estate company has firm guidelines when it comes to dealing with government officials, so the request was—gasp—turned down.
Instead of an outright rejection, however, the real estate firm sent this Cabinet official VIP tickets for the Cabinet official to watch the popular musical. And so the Cabinet official watched the musical. But it didn’t end there.

After the show, the Cabinet official went window-shopping at the mall and promptly found some interesting items. Thus, this official asked staffers to call the mall executives to inform them that the official wanted two pairs of designer shoes seen in the shops right that minute.

But the mall official reasoned that such a request could not immediately be granted. Instead, the stunned mall executive suggested that the shoes be sent to the Cabinet official’s office the next day.

The mall executive also rejected a suggestion by the Cabinet official’s staffer saying that the official should just be given a complimentary P50,000 spending spree, with purchases over this amount to be settled by the official.

Anyway, the shoes were promptly sent to the Cabinet official’s office the following day, with one mall executive even advancing the money for the purchase.

And you think that’s the end of the story? Nope. The shoes were sent back—to the consternation of everyone at the mall and real estate firm—because the Cabinet official said they didn’t fit correctly.
Of course, the matter has reached the tycoon who owns the mall and real estate firm who could only shake his head in disgust. Too bad they have to work with this Cabinet official’s department and agencies as part of their business operations. —

For more Bizz Buzz, click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.”
~Stephen King, Under the Dome

Soundbites
“Tingnan mo mga unggoy. ‘Yung 26,000 na baril na bibilhin natin sa kanila, ayaw nang ipagbili. ‘Tang ina mo!”
~Rodrigo Duterte

“Putang ina! Maski makipagsuntukan na kami sa mga drug lord na ‘yan kung kailangan, basta lang matapos natin ang giyera sa droga.”
~PNP Director General Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa on the reported scrapped arms deal with the US

Diplomacy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever


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Leo Beligan
11/12/2016 1:44:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
http://professionalheckler.com/author/professionalheckler/
LET THERE BE LIGHT (2016)
by professionalheckler

http://professionalheckler.com/2016/11/12/let-there-be-light-2016/untitled-131/
Light bulb jokes, anyone?

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One but it will probably take him 3 to 6 months (or even longer) to accomplish it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to buy a new bulb from China and another to change it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to curse America out of habit.

Q: How many Vitaliano Aguirres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insist that Leila De Lima was responsible for the old bulb burning out.

Q: How many high-profile inmates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends. What do they get in return?

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to initiate a probe on the possible involvement of President Duterte in the old light bulb’s death.

Q: How many General Bato De la Rosas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll only do it in front of TV cameras and photographers.

Q: How many palace spokespersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. One to change it and four to interpret what just happened.

Q: How many Alan Peter Cayetanos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to downplay the light bulb’s “death” saying more light bulbs “died” during the previous administration.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to tease the ‘event’ on Instagram, another to officially announce it in a presscon, and the third to actually change it.

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 14. Five to change it and nine to bury the burnt bulb at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Q: How many Official Gazette editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb and another to screw it in again – but with a new twist.

Q: How many Duterte fanatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t because the light bulb is “dilawan” and they hate anything “yellow.”

Q: How many Mocha Usons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insinuate on Facebook that the “dead” light bulb took drugs and it deserved to die.

Q: How many Sandro Marcoses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is: does he even know what a light bulb is?

Q: How many La Salle basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to import a reliable and really good light bulb and another to shout “Animo La Salle” while the third is changing it.

Q: How many UST basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would rather change their coach.

Q: How many UP Pep Squad members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They rather not. Maybe next year.

Q: How many Alma Morenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“To fight evil, you have to understand the dark.”
~Nalini Singh, 'Heart of Obsidian'

Soundbites
"President Duterte, please give me a chance. I hope one day mamahalin mo rin ako.”
~Kris Aquino on Duterte’s snub of a scheduled interview

Do not insist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



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Leo Beligan
11/17/2016 9:06:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler


IMMORAL
by professionalheckler
1kerwingmanews
ALLEGED DRUG lord Kerwin Espinosa, who was arrested in Dubai last month, is back. He’s very much alive – as of this posting.

Interviewed by the media at the airport, Kerwin Espinosa apologized to President Duterte and asked for a “second chance.” To be fair to the President who's in Peru for the APEC Summit, he didn’t ignore Kerwin. He replied, “Second chance? Ano ‘yun?”

Justice Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre is confident Kerwin Espinosa will implicate Sen. Leila De Lima in the illegal drugs trade. Between doing that and death, the choice is obvious.


Confirmed
Sen. Leila De Lima has admitted her past relationship with former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Asked by ‘Bawal ang Pasaway’ host Winnie Monsod why she fell for her driver/bodyguard, Senator De Lima replied, “frailties of a woman.” When sought for reaction on Senator De Lima’s ‘frailties’ comment, Ronnie Dayan said he would first consult his family, his lawyer, and a dictionary.

Senator De Lima has confirmed rumors she had an affair with her former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Or as the Manila Times and the Manila Standard would say, “De Lima admits drug links.”

Immoral
Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre wants Senator De Lima disbarred because of “immorality.” To which, Presidente Duterte, Manny Pacquiao, Bong Revilla, Joseph Estrada, and 85 percent of Congress said, “Pwede bang mag-focus na lang tayo sa drugs?”

Andanar
According to Communications Secretary Martin Andanar, people opposing the Marcos burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani were “temperamental brats” who have an “awesome capacity for nurturing hate.” Human rights advocates and lawyers for Martial Law victims described Andanar’s opinion as “lunatic.” In other words, “presidential.”

After drawing flak for his controversial statement, palace mouthpiece Martin Andanar wrote an apology on Facebook. He said, “I am sorry for calling you temperamental, brats!”

Martial Law
Communications Sec. Martin Andanar says, “Martial law never crossed” President Duterte’s mind and “it’s far from reality.” He didn’t say though whose “reality” – ours or Duterte’s.

Blackout
The Department of Energy has ordered a probe into the power outage in Luzon including Metro Manila last Tuesday. Some are blaming power generation companies while others believe it was the fault of distribution utilities. Malacañang has instructed energy officials to figure out a way to blame it on Leila De Lima.

Sexist
Interviewed by the Judicial and Bar Council, Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta, an aspirant for associate justice of the Supreme Court said laws on adultery and concubinage must be tougher on women - to the utter shock of gender equality advocates. Worse, when asked what punishment would be most appropriate for cheating wives, Acosta said, “We should burn them at the stake.”


Grilled
Lawyer Persida Acosta was recently grilled by the Judicial and Bar Council. When asked by JBC execom chair retired Justice Angelina Sandoval-Gutierrez on the issue of the Marcos burial, Acosta faltered and was interrupted by the 78-year-old Gutierrez. It got more awkward when everyone in the room shouted, “Face to face! Face to face!”

BB Gandanghari
The actor formerly known as Rustom Padilla is now legally a woman. An Orange Country court granted her request to change her gender to female and her name to Binibini Gandanghari. As a woman, BB vows to campaign for LGBT rights and to campaign against Atty. Persida Acosta.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ignorance is not bad faith. But persistence in ignorance is.”
~Joanna Russ

Sound Bites
“Huwag n’yong solohin ’yung kapangyarihan niyo. Kayo lang parating tigas eh, kaya lang, you threaten us as if we are your laborers. I’m the President of the Philippines. I’m not their President. I don’t care. I don’t give a shit.”
~Rodrigo Duterte to APEC leaders

Inaano ka ba?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
11/22/2016 7:36:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler


MISSING: ALAN PETER CAYETANO
by professionalheckler
EVEN HITLER is wondering why Alan Peter Cayetano, Bongbong Marcos's harshest critic during the 2016 elections, is mum on the biggest issue in the country today - the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.



[Note: If you can't see the subtitles, turn on your Subtitles/Closed caption settings]
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“I decided it is better to scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.”
~Nadezhda Mandelstam, 'Hope Against Hope'

Sound Bites
"In all honesty, I’m telling you: wala akong alam."
~Rodrigo Duterte on the burial of dictator Ferdinand Marcos

Joke of the week.
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Leo Beligan
11/25/2016 11:24:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler


CLIMAX: CONGRESS UNCENSORED
by professionalheckler
IF THERE’S a case against Leila De Lima, she must be charged and tried in the court of law. If the allegations are proven to be true, she must face the consequences of her actions. But first, Leila De Lima must be shamed - at least according to Filipino congressmen and their online cheering squad.

Just when you thought, the Lower House couldn’t get lower, Nov. 24 happened. In case you missed it, here’s the unedited, uncensored transcript of the sexually-charged portions of Thursday’s hearing at the House of Representatives.

1house
SEX
Congressman A: Minahal mo ba si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Minahal ko po.

Congressman A: Totoong pagmamahal?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman A: Kung ganun, ilang beses kayo nagse-sex noon sa loob ng isang linggo?

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong kuneksyon niyan sa droga?

Congressman A: I would like to remind you Mr. Witness. You are under oath! Inuulit ko: ILANG BESES KAYO NAGSE--SEX SA LOOB NG ISANG LINGGO?!

Ronnie Dayan: Sige, sumigaw pa kayo. Ilakas n’yo pa para malaman ng lahat kung gaano kayo kaatat magtanong tungkol sa sex! May mikropono na, sumisigaw pa. Sige, heto ang mikropono ko para dalawa na. Go, sigaw pa! Pati sexual position, gusto n’yong ikuwento ko?

Congressman A:

Ronnie Dayan:

Congressman A: ‘To naman. Nagtatanong lang. Ang dami agad sinabi!

UNDER OATH
Congressman B: Ikaw ba ay nangulekta ng pera mula sa drug lords sa Bilibid para kay De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman B: Sigurado ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman B: I am reminding you, you are under oath.

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi nga eh. ‘Tang ina.

Congressman B:

Ronnie Dayan: Sorry naman. Na-carried away lang. Ang kulit n'yo kasi.

TAKSIL!
Congressman C: Ito na lang: kung hindi ka nangulekta ng drug money sa Bilibid para kay De Lima, minahal mo ba siya?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman C: Ilang years naging kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Pito po.

Congressman C: Ibig sabihin, nagtaksil ka sa iyong asawa?!?

Ronnie Dayan: Sino po bang hindi nagtaksil sa asawa? SA MGA CONGRESSMAN NA NANDITO NGAYON, SAGUTIN N’YO PO AKO, SINO SA INYO ANG HINDI NAGTAKSIL SA ASAWA? IKAW SIR, HINDI KA BA NAGTAKSIL SA IYONG ASAWA? SINO SI CATHERINE, ‘YONG DATING SCHOLAR MO SA PROBINSYA NA GINAWA MONG RESEARCH ASSISTANT?!? SAGOT!!!

Congressman C:

Ronnie Dayan: Nagtatanong lang sir. Kung ayaw mong sagutin, ‘k lang. Walang pilitan.

NECESSARY
Female Solon: This line of questioning is necessary to establish your closeness to Senator De Lima. Sana ay maintindihan kami ng publiko. Moving on, may asawa ka ‘di ba?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo. May asawa po ako.

Female Solon: May asawa ka pero nakiapid ka kay De Lima. May mga anak kayo pero iniwan mo ang iyong misis para sa kanya. Anong klaseng asawa ka? Anong klaseng ama ka? At anong klaseng tao ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Bakit ganyan ka manghusga ma’am? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ipatayo mo ang Cebu International Convention Center noong 2006 na walang public bidding? Hinusgahan ba kita nang sampahan ka ng 11 counts of graft ng Ombudsman? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ma-indict ka dahil sa katiwalian?

Female Solon:

Ronnie Dayan: No further questions ma’am. You may proceed. Thank you.

1belar
CLIMAX
Congressman D: Ang pagmamahal mo ba kay De Lima ay tapat, wagas, at dalisay?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po sir.

Congressman D: Ibig sabihin, hindi lang ito init ng katawan?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman D: Saan ito nag-climax?

Ronnie Dayan: Ba't po ganyan ang inyong mga tanong?

Congressman D: ‘Wag mo akong husgahan gago. In aid of masturbation legislation ang ginagawa namin.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Congressman E: Totoo bang nag-away din kayo ni De Lima noon?

Ronnie Dayan: Totoo po sir. Kasi nalaman kong may iba na s'ya.

Congressman E: Anong ginawa mo noong nag-away kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Sinampal ko po siya sir.

Congressman E: SINAMPAL MO!?!? Ka-babaeng tao sinaktan mo? Wow. Sana nag-isip ka muna.

Ronnie Dayan: Sana sir inisip n'yo rin 'yan bago n'yo sinaktan ang asawa n'yo noon!

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Tumatakas pa nga siya noon para makaiwas sa pananakit n'yo 'di ba?!?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Humingi pa nga s'ya noon ng tulong sa women's groups 'di ba?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: And worse, nang 'di na niya makayanan

Congressman E: 'Tang ina mo manahimik ka gago!!%$# Mr. Chair, I move for a one-minute suspension.

SEX VIDEO 1
Congressman F: Totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po. Eh kayo sir, totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ng dating sexy actress na si V***** V**** noong 1980s?

Congressman F: Dapat kasi 'di na ako nagtanong eh. No further questions Mr. Chair.

1harry-roque
SALAT
Congressman G: Sabi mo, may dinala kang pera kay De Lima galing kay Kerwin Espinosa pero ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman G: Sigurado kang pera? Bakit ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po sinilip. Sinalat ko lang.

Congressman G: Ang hilig mo kasing magsalat!

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong pangalan n’yo sir?

Congressman G: Harry. I am Congressman Harry Roque.

Ronnie Dayan: Ang baboy n’yo po.

Congressman G:

Ronnie Dayan: Joooke.

KABIT
Female Solon 2: So inaamin mong naging kayo talaga ni Senator De Lima.

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Female Solon 2: Pamilyado kang tao. Ibig sabihin, kabit mo si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po itinatanggi.

Female Solon 2: No further questions Mr. Chair.

Ronnie Dayan: Excuse me ma’am, kayo po ba si Congresswoman Baby Arenas?

Female Solon 2: Oo, ako nga. Bakit?

Ronnie Dayan: Kababayan ko po si dating Pangulong Ramos.

Female Solon 2:

Ronnie Dayan; #justsaying

SEX VIDEO 2
Congressman X: Totoo bang may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Sex video po??

Congressman X: Oo! SEX VIDEO!

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: I am reminding you Mr. Dayan: you are still under oath! Again, ang tanong ko: may sex video ba kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: So hindi totoo 'yung napanood ko sa Pornhub.com?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman X: Edited lang 'yong nakita ko sa MangKanor.net?

Ronnie Dayan: Malamang sir.

Congressman X: Punyeta! Bukas na bukas din, I am going to file a bill that will punish people who upload fake videos on porn sites. Panloloko ang ginagawa ng mga 'yan!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Did freedom have to mean abolishing common decency?”
~Francine Rivers, 'A Voice in the Wind'

Sound Bites
"It is not surprising that there is a surge in the number of sexual harassment cases against our women both online and off. The dishonorable behavior of our lawmakers has reinforced this despicable culture since the beginning of these investigations.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

Bay of pigs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Screen caps: Rappler]

professionalheckler
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apdo
11/29/2016 7:25:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler


MEANWHILE, IN HELL…
by professionalheckler
1imelda-femc
SATAN IS FURIOUS. Nawawala kasi ang wallet niyang puno ng pera. Sumigaw:

Marcoooos! Hindi ka na ba talaga magbabago?!?

Day 1. Hell. Attendance.
SATAN: Welcome to hell. Pangalan…

MARCOS: Ferdinand E. Marcos

SATAN: Kasalanan…

MARCOS: Naging pangulo ako ng Pilipinas.

SATAN: Hindi ‘yan kasalanan. ‘Wag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa.

MARCOS: Wala akong matandaan.

SATAN: Pagtortyur, pagpatay, pagsisinungaling, pangangaliwa, pang-aabuso, pagnanakaw… admit it! You’re guilty!

MARCOS: Huh? Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko nun.

SATAN:

MARCOS:

SATAN: 'Dagdag mo pa ang plagiarism, gago!

Unafraid
SATAN: Welcome to hell!

MARCOS: Hello! ‘Musta?

SATAN: ‘Di ka natatakot sa akin?

MARCOS: Hindi.

SATAN: HINDI KA NATATAKOT SA AKIN?!?

MARCOS: Hindi nga!

SATAN: Bakit ‘di ka natatakot eh ako si Satanas.

MARCOS: Exactly. Satanas ang pangalan mo, hindi Imelda. Bakit ako matatakot?

Homesick
SATAN: O, ba’t parang ang lungkot mo d’yan?

MARCOS: Walang gustong makipag-usap sa akin eh.

SATAN: ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Bibigyan kita ng kausap. You have a lot of things in common. Magkakasundo kayo.

A minute later:
CNN Breaking News: Cuban leader Fidel Castro dead at 90

marcos
Phone Rates in Hell
MARCOS: Pwede bang makitawag?

SATAN: May bayad!

MARCOS: Magkano ba? Tatawagan ko lang si Cory, hihingi ako ng tawad.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos dials Cory’s number. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
A minute later…

MARCOS: Puwedeng pagamit ulit ng phone? Tatawagan ko lang ang human rights victims noong Martial Law.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos phones the human rights victims. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
Seconds later…

MARCOS: Last na. Patawag ulit. Kailangang-kailangan ko lang makausap si Imelda, si Bongbong, at si Imee, my family.

SATAN: 3 pesos per minute.

MARCOS: Huh? Ba’t kanina 100 pesos tapos ngayon 3 pesos per minute lang?

SATAN: ‘Yong kay Cory at sa human rights victims, long distance ‘yon. ‘Yong sa asawa at mga anak mo, local call lang ‘yon. Within the area lang sila.

The Deal
MARCOS: Sobrang init naman dito sa kuwarto ko. Pwede bang lumipat sa may aircon?

SATAN: Pwede naman pero may kapalit.

MARCOS: Ano ‘yon?

SATAN: Kukunin ko ang kaluluwa ni Imelda, ni Bongbong at ni Imee.

MARCOS: Ganun?!?

SATAN: So, ayaw mo?

MARCOS: May sinabi ba akong ayaw? Deal!

Satan allows Marcos to transfer to an air-conditioned room.
Minutes later.

SATAN: Bumalik ka na sa dati mong kuwarto!

MARCOS: Bakit?!? May deal tayo ‘di ba?

SATAN: Manloloko! Wala silang kaluluwa!

In Other News…
An improvised explosive device was found near the US Embassy along Roxas Boulevard the other day. Authorities detonated the home-made bomb -- successfully completing Day 1 of the martial law dryrun.

PNP Chief Ronald De La Rosa says the home-made bomb could have been planted by the Maute Group, an Islamic rebel group that has pledged allegiance to ISIS. De La Rosa refuses to make conclusions though since he has also received reports Leila De Lima was spotted in the area two days ago.

balero-rappler
Congressman Climax
Heavily criticized for asking Ronnie Dayan questions like, “Mahilig ka ba sa sili?” and “Kailan kayo nag-climax?” during last week’s Lower House hearing, 1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr. blamed the media for what he called “selective reporting.” Apparently, the media failed to report that Balero also asked other questions such as: “Mahilig ba si De Lima sa lollipop?” “Nakailang putok ba ang kanyon?” and “Kinain mo ba ang tilapia?”

According to party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., his questions were necessary to establish "power relations between De Lima and Dayan." In fact, his questions were so relevant, he compiled them into a booklet called, “A Guide to Insulting People’s Intelligence.”

1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., who has earned the monicker ‘Congressman Climax,’ denied rumors his party-list group’s name has been changed to 1-Ang Maledukasyon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant."
~Maximilien Robespierre

Sound Bites
“I will include you because you are the reason why their numbers swell.”
~President Duterte threatening to kill human rights activists who criticize him for extrajudicial killings

“At this moment in our history, every voice counts and I wish to place mine on the side of history: not the history that the Duterte [administration] ignores, but the history that beckons our people to demand justice that even the highest court of the land will not bestow.”
~Maria Serena Diokno, Resigned chair, National Historical Commission of the Philippines

Make a stand. #MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos Burial 1: FEMC; Marcos Burial2: Philippine Army; Salvador Belaro Jr: Rappler]

professionalheckler
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lintik
12/6/2016 7:01:00 PM

BANNED
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, ‘wag na siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Pare naman, ba’t ako ang magsasabi eh hindi naman ako ang pangulo?

DUTERTE: Mismo! Sino bang pangulo? Ikaw o ako?

BONG GO: Ikaw.

DUTERTE: So sino ang masusunod?

BONG GO: Ako.

DUTERTE:

BONG GO: Heto na po ite-text na!

1bongdutz-rappler
The Choice
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, simula sa Lunes, ‘wag na ‘wag na siyang a-attend ng kahit anong Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Sige pare. Sasabihan ko na.

DUTERTE: Teka muna! Paano nga pala ‘yong tuhod na lagi kong tinititigan?

BONG GO: Pare, you have to decide. Tuhod o Bongbong? Alin ang mas gusto mo?

DUTERTE: ‘Tang inang tanong ‘yan pare! Tuhod ‘yon ng babae. Si Bongbong, lalaki!

BONG GO:

DUTERTE: Bongbong siyempre. #MarcosPaRin

The Text Message
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening Madam Vice President. ‘Wag ka na raw umattend ng meetings sabi ni Bong Go.

LENI: Wait. Sino po ulit ang nagsabi? Si Bong Go ho ba o ang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI: Akala ko si presidente.

EVASCO: Oo nga.

LENI: Huh? Sino bang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI:

EVASCO: Sorta.

1dutzevasco
The Text Message II
BONG GO: Pareng Jun, i-text mo si Leni. ‘Wag na raw siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting sabi ni Presidente.

SECRETARY EVASCO: Teka pare. Ba’t ako ang magsasabi? Sino bang inutusan ni Presidente?

BONG GO: Ako.

EVASCO: Eh ‘di ikaw ang mag-text.

BONG GO: Wala akong load eh.

EVASCO: Pasahan kita.

BONG GO: Lobat na ako eh.

EVASCO: Pahiramin kita ng charger.

BONG GO: Android ‘to eh. iPhone ka.

EVASCO: ‘Tang ina naman. Wala kang bayag! Sige na nga, ite-text ko na!

The Text Message III
LENI: Hi Secretary Go. Nag-text si CabSec Jun Evasco. ‘Wag na raw akong a-attend ng meeting starting Monday. At ikaw raw ang nagpapasabi. Totoo ba?

BONG GO:

LENI: ‘Pag ‘di kasi ako umattend ng Cabinet meeting, mai-skip ko ‘yong trabaho ko. So totoo ba ‘yong tinext ni CabSec Jun?

BONG GO:

LENI: Secretary Go, last text ko na ‘to. Can you confirm na hindi na ako pinaa-attend ng Cabinet meeting?!? Please reply.

BONG GO: Uy Bongbong, ano bang isasagot ko dito kay VP Leni? Sunud-sunod ang text eh.

LENI:

BONG GO: Ooops. Sorry po. Wrong send.

Resignation Letter
LENI: I accepted the appointment as Chairperson of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council (HUDCC) given our shared commitment to the poor and marginalized.

DUTERTE: O, tapos?

LENI: I have exerted all effort to put aside our differences, maintain a professional working relationship, and work effectively despite the constraints because the Filipino people deserve no less.

DUTERTE: Ano pa?

LENI: However, your directive for me to “desist from attending all Cabinet meetings” has effectively made it impossible for me to do my job. Remaining in your Cabinet has become untenable.

DUTERTE: Ang tagal naman ng “With due respect… “

LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

DUTERTE *typing*
Dear Bongbong, You’re welcome. Merry Christmas!

1leni-inquirer
The Text Message IV
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening again Madam Vice President. Ipinasasabi ni Bong Go na may kapalit ka na raw bilang housing czar.

LENI: Wala pong problema. Pero ang bilis! Wala pang 24 hours, nakahanap agad. Sino po bang kapalit ko?

EVASCO: Ako.

LENI:

EVASCO:

LENI:

EVASCO: Txt back.

Heavy Heart
LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

ANDANAR: The President accepts your resignation as housing czar. With a heavy heart.

LENI:

ANDANAR: Czaring!

1bong-inquirer
IN OTHER NEWS…
Denied
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba idi-dismiss ng Korte Suprema ang kaso ko ‘pag nasa pwesto ka na?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong.

DUTERTE: Marcos?

BONG REVILLA: Hindi! Si Bong, Bong Revilla!

DUTERTE: Sorry, choppy ka, choppy. Text ka ulit.

Denied II
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba mananalo ako sa kaso pag-upo mo?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong! Bong Revilla.

DUTERTE: Teka naman, isa-isa lang. Kapapanalo lang ng Marcos burial eh. Baka mahalata.

BONG REVILLA: So pa’no? Ganun na lang ‘yun?! Matapos ka naming papanalunin sa Cavite, kakalimutan mo na ako? Matapos kang mangakong lalaya ako bago mag-Pasko, iiwan mo ako? Matapos akong umasang madi-dismiss ang kaso, ganyan ang sasabihin mo?!?

DUTERTE: Manahimik ka tangna mu! Ako ba ang nagbulsa ng 200 million? Ako ba ang kakuntsaba ni Janet Napoles? Ako ba ang nakinabang sa pork barrel?

BONG REVILLA:

DUTERTE: Sorry naman! Nagtatanong lang. Hindi ako nagbibintang.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Tyranny seldom announces itself…In fact, a tyranny may exist without an individual tyrant. A whole government, even a democratically elected one, may be tyrannical.”
~Joseph Sobran

1bongdutz-rappler
Sound Bites
“This is not the time for fear. It is a time for conviction. It is a time for courage.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Fight on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
12/12/2016 6:25:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler


RIGHTS, ROOTS AND OTHER STORIES
by professionalheckler
1ejk
AFTER several hearings on the reported extrajudicial killings, a joint Senate committee report concluded (that) the non-stop slaughter of drug suspects (almost 6,000 deaths to date) were NOT state-sponsored. Apparently, the senators prefer a more specific term: Duterte-encouraged.

Death Penalty
Voting 12-6, the House justice committee approved the proposed bill seeking to restore the death penalty –- to the surprise of many Filipinos who asked, “Wala pang death penalty?!? ‘YUNG LAGAY NA ‘YAN, WALA PA PALANG DEATH PENALTY?!?” #AllCapsParaIntense

Human Rights
Last Saturday, December 10 was International Human Rights Day. Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Ana Marie Banaag said Malacañang was one with the international community in celebrating Human Rights Day. That was the latest joke from the palace.

Coddler
An NBI probe concluded that Albuera, Leyte Mayor Rolando Espinosa was murdered by the CIDG led by CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, a suspected drug coddler. Despite the findings, President Duterte said he would not let Marcos and his men go to jail. Even Duterte fanatics were like, “’Tang ina! Ano ba talaga?!”

1marcos-abscbnnews
Roots
CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, who is reportedly involved in criminal activities, traces his roots to the family of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. You know the idiom, ‘it runs in the family.’

No Intention
Vice President Leni Robredo says she has not read and has no intention to read the Facebook blog of starlet Mocha Uson who has consistently spread malicious and baseless information against her. That’s understandable though because there are certainly better things to do than reading Mocha Uson’s blog. For example, anything.

Pregnant
The Vice President has recently denied malicious rumors that she is pregnant. Some of her supporters believe it’s Mocha Uson who’s probably pregnant because Uson reportedly wakes up in the middle of the night craving… attention.

1lendutsphilstar
No Intention II
According to Vice President Leni Robredo, she has not read the blog of starlet Mocha Uson and has no intention to read it. Or as Mocha Uson would say on Facebook, “Vice President Leni Robredo, naglilihi, galit na galit sa blog ko.”

Employed
Reports say the number of jobless Filipinos has dropped in the third quarter of the year. In totally unrelated news, online trolls thanked the government for giving them a job.

Fake
Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news. You’ll be jobless soon government trolls!

1miss-u
Miss U
Miss Universe 2017, which will be held on January 30 next year, has been officially launched in Manila. You can see the excitement on their faces: Pia Wurtzbach, the candidates, and Chavit Singson.

Tourism undersecretary Kat De Castro is very visible these days. She’s the pageant’s biggest supporter.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Never be content to sit back and watch as others' rights are trampled upon. Your rights could be next.”
~DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Tingin ko kailangan mo lang ng trolls kung kailangan mong humanap ng kakampi. But because marami namang like-minded and pareho nating pakiramdam sa mga bagay, tingin ko hindi natin kailangan sumama sa bandwagon.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Ignore them.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
12/26/2016 10:38:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler


NOW SHOWING
by professionalheckler
HERE’S your complete guide to HMMMPFF 2016.

1xmas
DIE BEAUTIFUL
Synopsis: Si Sassha Sutsot ay isang parlorista na huminto sa paggamit ng droga nang maging presidente si Rodrigo Duterte. Isang araw, habang mini-makeup-an ang sarili, ni-raid ng mga nagpakilalang pulis ang kanyang parlor. Sa sobrang gulat at takot, nahawakan ni Sassha ang isang nail cutter. Nang makita ng mga pulis ang nail cutter, sumigaw ang mga ito: Sige bakla, manlaban ka! Manlaban ka nang makita mo ang hinahanap mo!

Manlalaban kaya si Sassha Sutsot? Bubuhayin kaya siya ng mga pulis? Sakto na ba ang kanyang make-up? Mamamatay kaya siyang maganda? Kung may anak o kapatid kang lalaki, ano ang mas nanaisin mong mangyari sa kanya: maging bakla o maging adik?

VINCE & KATH & JAMES
Synopsis: Very popular sa kanilang school si Kath kaya’t hinikayat siyang tumakbong presidente ng student council. Tatakbo namang vice president si James at gusto nitong maging runningmate ni Kath kaya’t kinulit niya ito. Pinuntahan pa nga niya ito sa kanilang bahay. Dahil sa pamimilit ni James, pumayag rin si Kath. Ngunit nang kampanya na, ilang beses nag-joke si Kath na baka ang manalong vice president ay hindi ang kanyang running mate kundi ang ubod nang yamang si Vince, ang mahigpit na kaaway ni James.

Pagdating ng eleksyon, nanalo si Kath. Talo pareho sina Vince at James. Pero si James, hindi tumigil ng kasisipsip at kasusunod kay Kath dahil umaasa ito ng endorsement mula sa dalaga sa susunod na eleksyon. Si Vince naman, hindi matanggap ang pagkatalo for vice president at nag-file ng protesta.

Hanggang kailan magiging tuta ni Kath si James? Siya kaya ang sunod na iendorso ng dalaga? Bakit ayaw pang tanggapin ni Vince ang pagkatalo? Dahil ba marami silang pera at kaya nitong gastusan ang manual recount of votes? Totoo kaya ang tsismis na meron nang teenage son si Vince sa London at itinatago niya ito dahil ubod nang bobo ang binatilyo? Sandro kaya ang name ng anak ni Vince? Malamang. Bakit sinagot ko ang aking tanong? Ang bobo.

KABISERA
Synopsis: Naninirahang mag-isa sa kanyang mansion ang hacienderong si Benito. May kanya-kanya na kasing pamilya ang kanyang mga kapatid at siya na lamang ang naiwang walang asawa.

Umaga, tanghali, gabi… mag-isa siyang kumakain habang nakaupo sa kabisera ng mahabang mesa sa maluwang na kusina ng mala-palasyong tahanan. Ngunit sa kabila ng yaman, malungkot si Benito. Hindi ito ang inasam niyang buhay. Ayaw niyang mamatay na nag-iisa.

Oras na ba para muling humanap ng babaeng mamahalin si Benito? Hindi pa ba huli ang lahat? Bakit ba tila mailap ang pag-ibig sa kanya? Dahil ba lagi siyang may ubo at plema? Kailan niya ititigil ang paninigarilyo?

SAVING SALLY
Synopsis: Sally Lim ang kanyang tunay na pangalan, a suspected drug lord. Nang makasama sa listahan ng high-profile drug targets, sumuko si Sally sa mayor ng kanilang siyudad. Galit sa droga ang kanilang mayor at binantaang papatayin si Sally kapag nagkita sila. Ngunit sa ‘di inaasahang pangyayari, natameme ang mayor nang makaharap si Sally. Nagpakita kasi ng maraming pictures si Sally kung saan kasama niya sa iba’t ibang okasyon si Mayor: may kasal, binyag, libing, tuli, Miss Gay pageant at Mr. Bikini Superhotbodies. Nang makita ang mga litrato, nagbago ng isip si Mayor. Sa halip na patayin, pinatakas nito si Sally.

Nasaan na si Sally Lim? Bumalik pa kaya siya sa Pilipinas? Bakit ganun siya ka-close kay Mayor? Totoo bang may kinikilingan, may pinuprotekahan at may kasinungalingan si Mayor? Bakit ba tanong pa tayo nang tanong eh alam naman natin ang sagot?

SUNDAY BEAUTY QUEEN
Synopsis: Modernong babae si Mookah. Ginagamit nito ang kanyang katawan para kumita. Ngunit nabago ang takbo ng kanyang buhay nang manalong congressman ang isang dati niyang kliyente. Pinahinto siya nito sa paghuhubad. Dahil malakas ang hatak sa publiko lalo na sa mga kalalakihan, ginawa siyang PR consultant ng kongresista. Siya rin ang in-charge sa paninira sa mga kalaban ng pulitiko gamit ang kanyang sikat na blog sa Facebook, ang Mookah Mo Uupuan Ko.

Recently, na-appoint siyang Ambassadress for Hadhad, Buni, and Alipunga Prevention na ikinataas ng kilay ng mga dermatologists. Wala raw kasi itong sapat na background sa trabaho. Deadma si Mookah sa mga kritiko.

Ano ang susunod na puwestong ibibigay kay Mookah? Special envoy for garbage collection? Presidential adviser for TODA concerns? Commissioner for live webcam shows? ANO PA?!? ANO!!!??? Also, bakit ganito ang title ng movie? Sunday Beauty Queen pero walang kunek sa synopsis? Bakit parang nanloloko? Si Mookah rin ba ang may pakana ng misinformation na ito?

SEKLUSYON
Synopsis: Sina Leni at Patricia ay mga bagong salta sa bayan ng San Isidro. Volunteer social workers ang dalawa at tumutulong sa mahihirap na residente. Isang araw, naka-receive sila ng text message mula sa kapitan:

Madam Leni and Madam Patricia,
Sabi ni Kap, tigilan n’yo na raw ang ginagawa n’yo. Feelingera raw kayong dalawa. Feeling n’yo raw kayo lang ang magaling. Feeling n’yo raw walang ginagawang mabuti si Kap. Kaya mabuti pa, lumayas na kayo. Or else, ipatatapon kayo ni Kap sa isang secluded na lugar!

Walang nagawa si Leni. Umalis siya sa nasabing bayan at ipinagpatuloy ang gawain sa ibang lugar. Ngunit naiwan si Patricia at pinanindigang walang sinumang makapipigil sa kanyang trabaho.

Ano ang gagawin ni Mayor upang mapalayas sa kanilang lugar si Patricia? Sisiraan din kaya nila ito katulad ng ginawa nila kay Leni? Bakit pilit na pilit ang title ng pelikulang ito? At bakit pilit na pilit din ang synopsis? Ganun ba talaga kahirap magpatawa?

ORO
Synopsis: Tatlong buwan nang nakaburol ang pinatalsik sa puwestong si Gov. Fernando Narcos. Nangangamoy na nga ang bangkay ng matanda dahil hindi pala ito binalsamo bilang pagsunod sa kanyang huling hiling. Hindi mailibing si Narcos sa pinakamalapit na sementeryo dahil sa pagtutol ng taumbayan. Noong nasa puwesto pa kasi ang gobernador, ibinulsa nito ang milyun-milyong pisong kinita ng kapitolyo mula sa mga minahan ng ginto sa kanilang lalawigan.

Nag-demand ang mga residente na ibalik ng pamilya Narcos ang kanilang ninakaw. Ngunit dahil ubod nang kapal ang mu